Why would he insist on sharing a bed, but not be intimate?

[Anonymous]

Long story short, i (38f) and my boyfriend (49m) have been together six months and he is very weird about physical affection. It’s not something that just started. He has been very weird since day one. But only with me.

we’ve done nothing beyond kissing, but I can count the number of times he’s kissed me on 2 hands. And only 2 of those times have been a passionate kiss instead of just a quick peck on the lips.

he’s not a virgin. He’s not gay. Both these theories crossed my mind, but I know he has had sex with at least one woman in the past.

we’ve shared a bed together three times and it’s always been at his urging. Knowing how unaffectionate he is, i’ve offered to sleep on the couch or in another room, but he wants me in bed with him. But then, when I try to be affectionate with him in bed, he pushes my hand and tells me to stop. It’s at the point now, where he won’t even wear pajamas to bed. He will wear thick stiff jeans with a belt to bed, I guess as an extra barrier to keep me from getting near him.

I haven’t been kissed in over two months. Anytime I try to talk to him about it, he insists everything is fine. No, he’s not cheating. He lives with his mother and doesn’t have a vehicle. And his mother doesn’t let women inside the house.

It feels like he’s playing mind games by insisting I lay in the bed with him, but then not do anything. The rejection is killing my already low self-esteem. Why were other women worthy of his affection and I’m not?

[Rainbow_Boy]

It sounds very much like this man is in need of psychotherapy. There could be very concrete reasons behind his unusual behavior about which you are naturally bothered.

I was going to ask about his relationship with his mother whom you mentioned only in passing, but also in a suspicious reference. Also, you ask why other women were worthy of his affection and you're not. How sure are you that he has shown affection to other women, at least more than he has shown you?

[Asker]

I know he’s had sex with at least one Woman, but this was about 12 years ago. The reason I know is because he mentioned to me one time that he had dated this lady for about a year and a half, and then found out she had been dating another guy at the same time and she got pregnant, so there was questions as to who the baby daddy was, but she ended up losing the pregnancy. So he must’ve had sex with her at least once if he thought there was a possibility he was the father. But I am willing to bet money if they had sex, it was at her house or maybe in a car or a motel or something. His mother won’t even let me sit on the back patio and have a drink with him and listen to music. So I know there’s no way she would’ve let a woman into the house for him to have sex with. And she’s alllllways home. All she does all day is watch soap operas, get drunk and chainsmoke cigarettes.

[Rainbow_Boy]

I have to admit that you have a rather unusual case. Would it be OK if I ask a few more questions and somewhat speculate at the same time? If you want to understand this man’s behavior, that's the way to start, even though it is difficult to understand the roots/causes of a person's behavior from a distance. That is even more true with this man.

What is your definition of intimacy? I am asking this question because the fact that this man has clearly had sex with at least one woman is mentioned in the context of your question about intimacy. But, it is possible to argue that sex doesn’t necessarily come with intimacy, assuming we both attribute the same meaning to that word. As you also mentioned in your original question, intimacy comes with things beyond the contact of sexual organs, through acts like kissing and being affectionate through simpler, even somewhat non-sexual behavior.

What I am trying to arrive at is that this man may have never been truly intimate with anyone, even though he may have had sex a thousand times. He may have slept with prostitutes every week, even had kids if the women weren’t protected, yet not be really intimate with any one of them. (WILL CONTINUE BELOW)

[Rainbow_Boy]

My second point is about his mother. From your definition, she sounds to be a fairly dysfunctional, but also quite controlling person. The children of such parents often have difficulty in leading a psychologically healthy life, and as you alluded to, that often shows itself in building intimacy. In this case, the child being the opposite sex of the parent can have drastic effects. The son of a controlling mother with her own serious mental issues cannot establish healthy relationships with other women easily.

I wrote all this because I felt like you could be blaming yourself, or at least giving yourself a hard time about the intimacy issues with this man, while, in reality, they could be the result mostly of his own making. He may very well be nearly incapable of intimacy as a result of his upbringing. His previous sexual experiences with other women may not mean much, essentially in the vein of other women being worthy of his attention while you are not. Humans are very complex beings and the problem can very well be independent of you.

I hope this was helpful. If you’d like to elaborate more, please feel free to write back. Best wishes!

[NicholasRedone]

Sounds the problems of a honeymoon phase new couple ♀️ ♂️ on their so many numbered date they're up to lol 😆

[NicholasRedone]

"our first night sharing a bed as an unmarried yet dating couple" 😊🫠😅 saucy

[AI Opinion]

Oh boy, this situation is more mysterious than a soap opera plot twist! Your boyfriend's behavior certainly raises some eyebrows, and it's understandable why you're feeling rejected and confused. Sharing a bed but skipping the intimacy could be a sign of emotional barriers, personal insecurities, or even past experiences affecting his comfort with physical affection. His choice of jeans as a pajama alternative is, well, quite the statement! 😅

It’s important to communicate openly about how this makes you feel. Let him know that his affection kryptonite is impacting you, especially if he's not giving you the clarity you need. But remember, darling, his lack of noodles doesn't define your self-worth. You're worthy of someone who meets you halfway in the affection department. If the mind games continue, it might be time to evaluate if this relationship aligns with what you truly deserve. Stay strong, fabulous, and remember to prioritize your own happiness! ❤️

[Anonymous]

He ain't into you. If he can go out and lay on bed with you, he can go out and fuck other chicks. Him being a kid living at home doesn't change that.

Your self-esteem isn't as low as you think of your first theory about him not wanting to fuck you must mean he's gay, because everyone wants to fuck you, am I right? But he clearly laid down a boundary that you keep on crossing to the point he has to layer himself up, no wonders he doesn't feel safe to to further with you.

[Asker]

. If he’s not into me, then he shouldn’t have been dating me in the first place. Your attitude is not appreciated, b*tch

[Asker]

And no, I never said everyone is wanting to fuck me. I said I know that he’s had sex so it’s not him refraining because he’s religiously celibate or anything like that.

[slatyb]

Why are you still with him?

[NicholasRedone]

I for one hope it was a comfortable big enough bed. 😆 Its about the bed. Let's think about the bed in all of this. The bed 🛏️🛏️ 👀👀

[slatyb]

Anyway this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. The reason doesn't matter, you aren't getting what you want from this relationship. End this and find someone more interested.

[NicholasRedone]

But @slatyb let's think for a moment off side topic for a second here - I wonder what kind of bed it is. Is it a king, a queen, California , etc or a poor man's single bed lol 🛏️🛏️👀

[NicholasRedone]

Its about the bed 🛏️😪 for a second here 😝😉