What should I do about my son"?

[Anonymous]

I am hoping to get some insights into this situation because I don't have people to discuss this with. My son is 18, recently he has been leaving our house and not telling me where he's going. At first it was just sometimes but then it began more often. I was worried so I decided to go into his room and check all of his stuff including his laptop. I managed to find messages between him and an older man. The man is my friends parent and they are having sex from 3 days after he turned 18. The man is 56 and it grosses me out. I confronted my son with the evidence and he confessed the man invited him home and seduced him, but my son says he wanted it and is fine with it. I told him he is being used and that the older man is a pervert. He got mad that i went through his stuff and that i want to ruin his fun

I went to my friend and told her what her dad is up to. Shockingly, she thinks since they are both adults, i should let them be. I told her she should be ashamed of herself and her father and distanced myself from her. At this point, what is there to do?

[TheSpaceGnome]

"she thinks since they are both adults, i should let them be."

She's correct, not only that, but because they are both adults, if you don't let them be, they can file a harrassment suit, or the older guy can file a restraining order against you. You can also get pegged as a pervert for spying on a couple, or for spying on your son's sex life. Either way its not a good look for you.

You're going to have to let your son decide if his choices were a mistake or not.
Only time will tell that. In my opinion large age gap relationships usually fail do to one dying much earlier or not enough in common, but exceptions exist.

[DryGermanGuy]

Here you claimed you have no children:

Anyone else’s kids have expensive taste?

Are you the blue account version of Pedowoman?

@Agape93

[sage2021]

I am usually against telling a grown up child that they can no longer live under your roof while he's having sex with some old man.
I'm sure this whole thing sickens you are personally I wouldn't even want to look at him coming through the door of your house knowing that he just has nasty sex with a man. It's sick!🤢
I would tell him since the guy is 56 to go and move in with him and let him support you!!

[JaneDoe93]

That’s grooming. 18 years old is still young.


However, since society thinks he’s of a legal age and he doesn’t respect you enough to take what you have to say into consideration, I would kick him out and let him fend for himself.


I’m sorry you’re going through this.

[Madgedays]

Terrible advice and very contradictory.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Thats not grooming, grooming is what you do in front of a mirror or in a barber shop or salon.
Kicking out your family over them having a relationship, mistake or not, is fucked up.
Please don't breed or adopt until you have your head on straight.

[Madgedays]

@TheSpaceGnome Yeah especially considering she thinks he is a child, yet is ok with kicking him out like wtf

[JaneDoe93]

I’m not sure how asking an 18 year old to take responsibility over their own lives is bad parenting. If they can make their own romantic decisions, they should be able to get a job and pay for a roof over their heads.

I never said anything about cutting them off. A parent’s love is unconditional and in a healthy family dynamic, you should have the security that regardless of your decisions your kin will always be there for you. However, as a parent you don’t have to agree with everything your kid does. If your son wants privacy, he can move out and make his own decisions. He’s of legal age.

[Madgedays]

That's because you say he is being groomed and is still young yet act like he's an adult and should take responsibility. You are contradicting yourself.

[JaneDoe93]

He is being groomed. The mental development of a 50 something year old vs. a teen is drastic.

However, if we’re going to normalize this as a society and say that legally an 18 year old can make their own decisions, who am I to stop it?

As a parent, I can only advise and hope my child will listen. I wouldn’t go as far as invading my child’s privacy but once the truth is out, there is no reason for me as a parent to have to put up with it in my home if I choose not to. He has made his own decision and the law and society are on his side. He’ll make his mistakes and hopefully learn from them.

Me stopping him from meeting this man or pretending it doesn’t bother me will only build resentment which will only sever our relationship in the long run.

[Madgedays]

Doesn't mean he is necessarily being groomed, but if he is then that is just letting the groomer have his way with his prey, its like you are giving him your son.

[JaneDoe93]

Yeah that’s true but let’s play out the scenario.

If the parent can’t prove the older man had sexual relations with the son while he was a minor (before his 18th birthday), legally the parent cannot do a thing. The older gentleman is free to “groom”, “manipulate”, “romantically pursue”, “seduce”, “marry” whatever have you with the teen so long as the teen consents to it.

As a parent, this really sucks because you know it in your gut that it’s wrong. You try to talk sense to your kid but technically he’s allowed to do what he wants. And now he only resents you for interfering in his relationship. Next, you try to talk to the older man and his daughter but they can also technically do what they want. What options is the parent left with?

Now as a parent, you’re heartbroken. I think at this point self-preservation should be the priority. And that means letting your child go to make their own decisions. My heart goes out to the parent because it’s a really tricky situation to deal with. However, the only thing worse than this could be a permanently damaged relationship between the parent and child where both parties resent each other and waste years not talking to one another.

[Madgedays]

I wouldn't do anything. He is old enough to know what he is doing. Most likely he's just horny for the older guy lol

[TheSpaceGnome]

Mental development isn't based on age. Its based on comprehension.
I was smarter than both my parents at age 5, people are not equal in comprehension or experiences and will not develop knowkedge, understanding, or skills at the same rates.
That said, its never a good idea to kick out family unless they are being a danger to people in the household. The whole "grooming" thing is just nonsense under your context, as it implies that people are suddenly idiots just because they are younger than someone, which certainly isn't the case.

[Anonymous]

he's a grown he has to learn in his own. The more you tell him no the worse he's going to act.