My boyfriend has a kid? What to do?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I are pretty serious. We've been together for 1 year and we're talking about settling down soon. Well, before he met me, he was in an almost 10 year relationship with his ex. They have a kid together. The relationship lasted for almost 10 years because of the kid. They saw each other once or twice a year only due to the nature of his job. They also had a toxic relationship. They didn't get married by the way. I met him 5years after they broke up. I know he constantly send child support. And it was fine with me. The kid momma would flirt here and there when she feels like it and my boyfriend is dodging it every time.

However, last night he confessed to me about him fathering a child when he was 20 years old. The kid and the mom's kid don't exist in his life unlike his ex whom he's with for 10 years. He just sends his child support to the kid's mom and that's it. He said he doesn't hear from them since the child support is paid timely. So basically he has 2 kids already.

I confronted him about not telling me about the 2nd child because I don't think it will make any difference since there's a first child. He said he's afraid that I might run away. He doesn't want me gone. The reason why he's telling me all these now because we are in the other level of our relationship and we're about to make our plans for the future come true.

I love him so much. I don't see anyone but him with me in the future. My current feeling right now is hurt. I'm not mad at him about having 2 kids but I'm hurt that he had to keep the 2nd child from me and him thinking that I might run away. He did the delay not for me, but for him. He's scared for me to walk out of our relationship. And didn't trust me enough not to stay in the relationship. After all of these, I really don't know what to feel anymore. What should I do for me to feel better about it? What should I do in this kind of situation. Any advice?

[Jenny-Marie]

The problem is, when is the right time to talk about the past? We all have a private life that we wouldn't talk about to a casual date.
As the relationship progresses, so does trust. He's told you now. Can you accept his past? Can you accept his future? Going by what you've written, he wants to share his future with you, so now is the time to decide.

[FilmGuy93]

This is a really good response. Because the second kid isn't even the picture, it's not like telling her about it would change OP's life at all. So in my opinion, it really comes down to when the right time to talk about something like that even is... in this case, I think the boyfriend generally made the right call.

[Anonymous]

Not much to do, he felt ashamed I guess so that’s why he kept it from you but now he came clean so I guess he trusts you completely so I wouldn’t worry about it anymore

[Asker]

He's not ashamed. But he's afraid I might end our relationship. He came clean because we've been planning for our future seriously and he said he doesn't want to keep anything from me before we keep moving forward

[Opinion Owner]

Well that’s good, it means he really wants a life with you

[Asker]

He does. I do. We do. But I feel hurt right now though

[Opinion Owner]

You’ll eventually get over it once you are together more and time passes, it’s just the initial shock of hearing about it, really not a problem for your future with him because it’s all in the past, everyone has one

[Asker]

I guess so. I'm thinking of not talking to him. But it's something he won't like. He thinks I'm doing it to overthink when there's nothing to think about. And he feels that I'm withdrawing. But how can I make him understand that I just want a silent day today

[Opinion Owner]

I guess you just need a day to absorb the new information that you were surprised about, but later on you’ll realize it’s not going to affect your lives at all and that it happened so long ago

[kylee2437]

I would be more concerned as to why he isn’t attempting to be in the first child’s life. Did you ask him why he isn’t an active father in the kids life?

[Asker]

The girl was a neighbor and it's an accident. He said the woman doesn't want anything to do with him even from the beginning. So she only asks for the child support. Also, the woman is happily married and the kid consider her husband his dad, not my boyfriend. So basically they have their own life away from him and been living in a different state eversince. He tried to check on them but she always says they're ok.

[kylee2437]

@asker hmmm I guess. I think a father should still be trying to fight for his child everyday, but to each their other. That’s just my opinion being and I don't know him to just assume that he didn’t fight. Off topic. But the real question is, is this a deal breaker for you?

[Asker]

He tried. And I believe him. He got to the point of demanding it. But with his line of work, he only gets to go back to the state once or twice a year, so he doesn't have much time to be doing a lot of things, too. But with the 2nd child, he's with him when he's there.

I already know about the 2nd child, the first day we met and that's fine with me. It's not a problem for me. I know what I signed up for when I said yes in pursuing a relationship with him. So when I got to know about the 1st son, I wasn't mad. I'm more hurt actually. It's not a deal breaker for me. Cheating and physical abuse are the deal breaker for me. I can't consider this issue cheating. But I feel really hurt right now.

[Guy13]

2 kids and you want to have one too?

[Asker]

Yes. He said the kids are accidents and he had to build his life for the kids. But he wants to have his love child, not oops child. He wants us to have a kid or 2.

[Guy13]

Are you engaged and everything on the table now? No more surprises like his sperm is dead etc...

[Asker]

His sperm is as strong as ever. No problem in that department. Not engaged yet because we're on a 2month LDR now. But we've been talking about finalizing the plan once he comes back. I don't know what he means about that yet.

[maximumpower]

What CAN you do?
Either deal with it or don't.

[Asker]

I can deal with it. He never gives me anything to worry about. But I'm really hurt right now. I told him about it and he's sorry. I know it's something that we can't change anymore. But I'm just hurt.

[likelyOK]

Run fast