My boyfriend has a secret kid. Should I leave him?

[Anonymous]

I’ll try to make this as short as possible. I need advice. I’m 23 years old, a senior in college and dating a guy. He’s 27. Already graduated. Even though we’ve only been together for a short bit ( 3 months) I like him and from what I can tell it’s mutual. Things were going great until he told me he has a kid. ( 1 son - 5 years old ) Don’t get me wrong I love kids and it’s actually what I’m in school to pursue. Twice he’s told me he don’t have kids. ( said he wanted me to get to know him before he mentioned it because he wasn’t sure how i would react since I don’t have any and I’m not ready any time soon) I’ve never dated anyone with kids. My question is should I continue with him? I love the dates & spending time with him just being around him.. Not to sound mushy but he makes me feel something I thought I couldn’t anymore. Yes I know I’m young but I don’t know. When I always imagined myself having kids it will be with my husband after I finished university and live in my own house when we are both financially and mentally ready. He said that he wants me to meet the kid but I don’t know if I’m ready for all of this. I like him a lot and I know being with him means that I have to accept him having a kid. I don’t mean to sound immature or but I wanted my first child to be with my husband. He said that him and the child’s mother get along good and the relationship just didn’t work out. I don’t know how to exactly explain it but it’s a big responsibility and I have no clue what to do... ADVICE? guys and girls are welcome.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

It's not even the fact he has a kid, it's the fact not only did he hide it, he downright lied saying he "didn't have kids"... Any relationship that starts with lies should be a big red flag... So anytime in the relationship that he thinks something will upset you or you might not agree with or agree to, is he going to lie and then justify? There is never a justifiable reason to lie, but especially about something as major as having a child. It's not what you want to hear, and noone can really make the right choice for you but you... But if it was me personally, I would not stay with someone that kept a lie that serious from me for 3 months. You deserve someone that will be upfront with you from the get go and someone that will take your wants, feelings into consideration not just their own. That is not just the actions of a liar, but also a selfish person. Is that the kind of person you want as a husband or future father for your future children. Or if gootd forbid you guys break up/divorce will he lie about your children to hook the next girl. It may be hard because you already have feelings for him. But better now then after you would marry and have children with him

[Sbgirl]

If I were in your shoes, I would dump him. I am also 23 years old and am dating a guy older than me. However, he has never been married or had kids. I just couldn't do that. I don't mean that to sound horrible, but seriously its young to take on the responsibility of someone else's kid. On top of that, their child will always come first (as they should) and its just a lot of extra baggage which isn't really needed for young child-free people who are looking to date. For separated parents who share this in common, it makes a lot more sense.

What I really would have an issue with here is that he lied to you twice on something so important and so early on in the relationship. Just think - if he can lie to you about his own child then what else is he capable of lying about? Also, it is only three months in and he not only lied but then decides to drop this bombshell on you around the time you will begin to start having feelings, confusing you which has led you here. To be perfectly honest, if you are going to date a guy with a kid you would at least want him to be good dad, right? He doesn't sound all that great as he just denied his kid twice. I know if my dad turned around and told someone he didn't have kids just to get a woman to like him, that would be pretty hurtful and I would question how much I really meant to him. His skills as a father now also reflect what he would be like in the future should you have kids. Some people change, but generally speaking don't assume he will change for you.

It's best not to continue if you are not sure. Meeting the kids and being involved suddenly makes everything more complicated and you'll feel like you can't leave him if you and kid grow attached. Plus it's not fair on kids to be put through meeting a partner for them to only be gone in a month. Obviously it is your decision, but since you are asking for advice, that's mine. Breaking up is a whole lot easier at 3 months than 3 years.

[Anonymous]

I dated someone off and on for 6 years and would frequently joke n say he was hiding an entire family or children.. he'd tell me he wasn't a dad and didn't have a wife. Well, one day I got pregnant n wanted to keep it bc i dont believe in abortion especially of yourenolder and can financially support child. He broke down n begged me not to keep the child bc he was already paying child support for a kid he has and had been keeping it a secret from me for years. What I've found out is he is a liar all together. A person who will keep a secret that big is not to be trusted. I have a child that he was/is aware of. I would NEVER deny my kid to anyone. I think that says a ton about what kind of parent someone is. He should have given u the choice right up front to decide whether or not that was something YOU wanted to deal with. I know u like him but I say, cut your losses before you are head over hills in love with this guy. If he lied to u about this then what else will he lie about? Trust is already broken n you will constantly wonder about his honesty. I get him being afraid if you would want him but yo deny your own children takes a certain type of shifty. Drop him.

[Chiefbenttwig]

For what it's worth the penny for your thoughts I've always believed and honesty and forthcoming everyday I've always believed also that if somebody will lie about something small renewed insignificant issue in a relationship lying about something major will be no problem at all take your issue at hand that is not something small the life of a child that he hid from you should be pretty good Warning Sign he is selfish self-centered type of individual he lied to your face so he could get what he wanted liquid into your panties excuse my bluntness but to get you into bed he said whatever it took to get you there and with that being said he will continue doing the same to get whatever he want from you those are just my thoughts I'm not a bible thumper but I do believe in this verse of the Bible I'm paraphrasing if a relationship is built on a weak Foundation it can't stand against the storm The Rage of life but if you build a relationship On Solid Rock has a lot better chance of surviving the storm the rage of the sea just something for you to think about

[sejla]

Lying about having a child could be a red flag

Do not meet his child unless you are in a long term committed relationship with him.

Plus you just said you want your first child to be with the man you love. If you don’t think you can accept the responsibility of helping raise someone else’s child don’t start something if the man or you both want a serious relationship

[mindNsoul]

And why do you think he was so perfect in those three months?
That's literally every married man excuse! I lied because I was afraid to lose you. Well by your ethical standards is that acceptable?

I'm sorry but would you want to live with someone who will decide for you what's best for you to know and what's not? And when it is suitable for you to recieve an information!

Look at it this way, lying to a woman about having a child does not ensure that she will accept the child. Lying to you was for him to attempt to control the outcome and got nothing to do with you. He should of been honest with you so you come into that relationship fully ready and accepting of the child. Not because you like his father and now you are too in love to leave. He didn't do what's best for you or for his son. He did what is more convenient to him. And that should tell you a lot about him.

You deserve to make decisions without manipulation and without being swayed. Your heart and love should not be used as a tool to get you to do what he wants you to do "I'll make her like me so she would accept or agree to me".

And since when telling the truth was the easy path to take? That's why honest people are hard to come across. It is difficult and it requires you to have values and character to be honest and deal with the consequences.

And the only thing worse than leaving a liar after three months is leaving him after three years or ten. The longer you stay the more attached you will be and the harder it is going to be for you to leave. He is manipulative and my advice to you is to be with someone kind, open, spontaneous and honest as you are. Don't be naive just because you like him.

[Anonymous]

1. I would have a problem with the fact that he lied about having a kid in the first place. This is no way to start a relationship because you are NOW in the predicament you are in because HE wasn't upfront and honest.
2. He doesn't get to decide for you how you should feel about him having a kid or whether you want that responsibility. That is something you must decide for yourself.
3. You are still really early into this relationship---I mean you haven't even made it to 6 months, so now is the time for you to decide whether you want to go forward or not.
4. You don't have to meet the kid and you should not feel pressured to. I frankly think it's a bad idea to introduce a date to a child so early on in the relationship because things tend not to be 'that' serious yet and it can really traumatize the child if you see him and then you decide you don't want to be part of this.

I would suggest having a serious conversation with your guy and lay this all out for him and let him know what...if anything...you are actually ready for. He's responsible for his kid, but you are responsible for your own mind and heart and where that takes you, so be frank and honest. If this is not for you, don't string him along because that will also only suck later too.

[Anonymous]

To be fair, the kid's not really a secret since he wants you to meet the kid. The bigger issue to me is that he lied about it, but I also kind of understand why. A good friend of mine is a single mom, and she has had the hardest time dating because guys don't want to date a woman with a kid. I normally wouldn't forgive such a big lie, but this is one that is understandable to me.

The other part of your question is whether or not you want to stay in a relationship with someone who already has a kid. Having kids is a huge life-changing moment, so I can understand wanting to share the birth of a child as a first-time experience with your other half. BUT, there is a silver lining to all this too. You get a sneak peek at how he is as a dad. The fact that he has stayed a part of his kid's life and has a good co-parenting relationship with the kid's mom is a testament to what kind of man he is. In my friend's case, the kid's dad (my friend's ex-husband) has zero involvement in his kid's life. They live 20 minutes apart from each other and the dad has only seen the kid twice in 3 years.

On a personal note, when I was 22-23, I dated a guy who had a kid. I felt much too young to be dating a guy with a kid, but I absolutely fell in love with his daughter. That relationship didn't work out for different reasons, and honestly, one of the hardest parts of the breakup was losing touch with his little girl.

[Daniela1982]

I think you already know the answer and just want to hear it said. You don't want another woman's kid. You want your kid. So if it's really a deal breaker the only option you have is to move on and hope you find someone who makes you feel the same and who you can have your own kid/kids with. If it's not really a deal breaker then shut up, stop the self doubt, and instead embrace it. You may not find a guy like this again and you rarely get 2nd chances. As an added bonus you already know he will be a good dad for your future children and a 5yr old is easier to get used to and love than say a 12 year old. So stop playing Dard Ass and go for it!

[Espresso-Grande]

Disowning his own child, twice, by pretending he hasn't got one is a huge red flag about who he is as a person. There's a difference between not mentioning his child and actually saying outright he doesn't have any when he does.

Personally, I couldn't be with a guy who would deny his own child, regardless of his excuses. He lied because he was concerned about how you'd react, but that doesn't justify lying about having child. He has shown you what his potential is with you in the future. He will lie to you if ever he thinks you will react negatively.

It's strange not to mention his child when he met you. You'd think he'd only want a woman in his life who would accept his child. Yet, he seemed to fear telling you about someone who should be priority in his life in case it affected his relationship with you.

Is your issue that he lied, or that he has a child? Or both?

[Reaperbot666]

being a single partner myself. I can somewhat relate to waiting. to tell someone they am just starting to date. about the fact they have one or more children from past relationship's. since most people don't want to deal with. the drama from the persons ex. happens to both single mothers and single fathers often. because in many cases the child's other parent. may have partial custody and visitation rights. they they will be coming around every so often to visit or pickup/drop off the child.

however waiting 3 months to inform. a possible new partner about the child. does seem a bit extreme to me. typically I'll bring it up after a few dates unless a woman I am dating asks me sooner. about if I have any kids or want to have any kids in the future.

[Reaperbot666]

typo *which means they will be coming around. every so often to visit or pickup/drop off the child.*

[wingattebaby16]

tbh, the fact that he LIED to you 2+ times when you started dating is a RED Flag to me.

If he can't be honest up front from day one, then what else is and will he lie about?

He could simply not mentioned having a kid until you asked... that is not a lie.

I would move on at your age of 23yo...

He is looking for a "mommy" for his kid, first and foremost. He wants to be able to hang with his guy friends, but needs a "babysitter" at home to be able to go enjoy himself.

[Via_8662]

Someone lying about having a kid would make me really uncomfortable. I understand that he may have been worried about scaring you off, but being responsible for a whole other human is not something to lie about. Is he active in the kids life? As far as the rest, that's a decision you have to make yourself. Ultimately you have to decide if you would be comfortable staying with him and maybe eventually becoming a step parent. If it really bothers you and you think it would effect how you acted towards the kid then that's going to bring about a lot of issues. If you're not comfortable possibly being a step parent there's nothing wrong with that. Just be honest with yourself.

[AshViper]

Well here's a few things.
1) He already had a kid young (22).
2) He is still in good relation with the mother

That he didn't tell you is understandable. That's a little much when first dating someone. And it's more responsibility than asking hey girlie do you like dogs or cats on the first date cause he's got a dog or a cat.

If you can handle the idea of a kid that's good. Question more the man. Like said he's already had a kid young which shows a lack of responsibility / maturity & he's in good with mother. Ask yourself HOW good is he with the mother, just cause the relationship didn't work doesn't mean eithers above a quickie, one-night-stand, etc.

[missangelavoss]

All I have to say is that if u stay be prepared to be put 3rd it’s always going to be his kids first his baby mother second and you third


And 3 months is not long enough of a relationship for you to meet his son I would give it 9 months and he needs to make sure that he sees a future with you before you meet his child because of not and you both break up it’s gonna effect his son more then you since he’s been though it already with his father and mother...
If u don’t mind me asking where do you live?

[goodgirl82]

Mmmm, I believe it might not be a big deal, but be aware that a man with a kid, is not looking for wasting his time, he might want an official relationship, and evaluate how willing are you to include his kid in your life, since he would be part of your life as well. If he is a good man, the kid is not a problem at all, and if the mother is not problematic, you could even create a healthy bond with the kid, or even get to love him, so I would say it is not the big deal, what I dont like, is when a guy feels less for having a kid, I dont like that kind of insecurity. I like men that accept themselves, a kid is not a defect or something but I dont know, I dont have any kid to really understand his motives. If you feel something, give him a chance, but maybe you can set some boundaries, like not wanting to do things with the kid together, that would create unnecessary commitment, set healthy boundaries and you will be okay.

[nandinikhaneja]

I would say if he is nice towards you, if he genuinely nice to you, then I would say go for him. If you feel there is a connection between the two of you, he has been honest with you from the start, if he has supported or took care of you. I think it wasn't okay for him to hide things from you about having a kid, but honestly I would also be scared. If the kid is nice to you, if he behaves nicely with you, doesn't bully as I have seen most of the kids doing that! I would recommend you to think about the relationship that you guys have and if everything you feel is good, then you should go for it!

[Moonchild714]

Normally I would say get out. But it is hard to date when you have a Kid people tend to suddenly lose interest. I know I always until one I fell so in love with this Man that by the time I found out ablut his Son I wanted them both in my life. NiwcI was in my late 40s and knew I'm not going tonfind tjis kind of love again.

If he really makes you feel the way you're describing maybe see what's there.

There's a saying "Man Plans and God Laughs" No one person's life goes as they Plan, and if someone's does it's a pretty sad life because they didn't risk a Damn thing...

[dandiecandie]

It seems like he wanted to trap you by getting you to fall in love with him and then telling you after 3 months. You're only 23 and from ehat can read you're not ready to be a mom and not do you want to. I'd say you have to pick between him and you. Who do you love more? Yourself or the boyfriend? If you pick yourself you'll end it and Perdue the things you want in life. If you pick to stay with him you'll have to accept the fact that he has a kid and whether you like it or not they are a package deal.

[MillieBrunette]

Dont even know em

[dandiecandie]

Who are you talking about

[Anonymous]

I dont think you should get involved with it because its not what you want.

Being a step person is really fucking hard, its a shitty place to be even if the kids are great etc.

This other woman is going to be in your life for the rest of your life basically, if it were to last.

Its not wrong to want your own family and not have to deal with this shit and in anycase, he fucking lied to you and why? Because he was afraid you wouldn't be interested but instead of respecting you enough to allow you to make that choice he concealed it until he thought you were emotionally invested in him enough that you wouldn't want to back out because of how painful that would be for you and guess what, that is exactly the situation you are in.

What a fucking cunt he is, thats reason enough to cut him from your life without the considerations of the child.

[jestergent]

It's your choice to stay or go on that one. However, if you were upfront from the get go of no kids, before learning of kid, you need to go because that is a lie. You don't lose to say no I don't want this bc I want my own kids , it's a no brainer on choice.

If he just didn't mention kid and you weren't upfront. You just say sorry I can't do this. Or decide to work with it.

If you were upfront and he lied by saying he had no kids... Then that's a lie. You leave even if want stay with him. Because that a different problem.

If he lied but you want to be nice, you just say you want your own. But it's best "if" he lied to punish by saying the truth.

If didn't lie, leave /be nice

[DavidDong]

You clearly like him, he likes you
He isn't experienced dating and saying he has a kid, clearly.
Tell him to be honest about these things.
Bear in mind having a kid young like that at 22 if he's 27, kid 5 years, that can scare people, he wants a wife but that failed.
He does want you.
If your fine with the kid and my impression is that you are, then you can break off from a guy you flutter so much for.
Understand a bit what it's like for him

27 and not married, you hear stories and that but he's actually getting older and a point where he can't marry and find a wife easy. I imagine if you leave him he will be torn apart.

[scorpy04]

I can understand what your saying I am a single Dad but rightly or wrongly I would never deny my Children It's something I couldn't do His sons birth was obviously well before your relationship but to tell you twice he had no children He knew the truth would happen one day but to deny his sons existence Unforgiveable If he can lie about something so important then who knows how many other secrets he holds Your have to be very careful that you don't become a glorified baby sitter when he is busy Your maturity ha been shown that you want to wait before children which is the right thing to do for you If you wish to continue with him be mindful of his lies

[Truthatanycost]

The kid isn't the problem... him hiding that he ha done is. He lied which demonstrates that he cannot be trusted. Regardless of how he makes you feel, the facts speak for themselves. if you want to have a relationship, then there needs to be trust. Continue at your own peril...