Boyfriend hates my kid's dad.

[Anonymous]

Me and my boyfriend have been going out for about 3 years. He has been the main father figure for my children in that time. Recently my two older girls( ages 5 and 6) have started to see their dad who was MIA for about a year and a half. Legally I had no ground to deny him any kind of visitation and it would have just turned into a nasty custody fight that would have ended with him getting visitation anyway, so I decided not to fight and to try to work with him and so far for the girls and me this seems to be working. Unfortunately I am getting hell from all sides of my family including my boyfriend. To the point where they are saying they wouldn't trust him around little girls because they hate him. (No history or current issues with abuse at all) It seems that my family is just trying to find reasons why he shouldn't be around the girls. I thought about my decision the let him see the girls long and hard for about 2 months before he even got to see them and I asked my boyfriend what he thought. I got 2 answers 1. I don't know. Then that changed to 2. He shouldn't get away with having kids without taking care of them. So I made a tough decision. Well now I am pretty much hated for the decision. He is so mad at me he had no problem reaming me and telling me how I am screwing up my kids on my birthday which was a couple days after he blew off mother's day. I have tried talking to him and I end up feeling like a crappy person in the end and crying (which I normally don't). He almost hates me as much as my ex. I made the wrong decision when he didn't really even help me make one. So now I am stuck where no matter what I do my whole family is mad at me. At this point I am told that I have screwed up bad and that he may never forgive me. I feel like I would have been treated better had I cheated on him. Instead I am verbally attacked everyday by at least one person. I'm stuck how do you make things better in a situation like this? I am super lost and every day feels like I am living a private hell.

Updates

+1 y

well basically I got told that if I let them see their dad that he will leave ( which will hurt the kids) and if I don't he will stay( but they still get hurt). I explained my situation to my ex ( we are on mutual terms) and he really feels bad because he know it is his fault. He offered to sign over custody to my boyfriend but that would still hurt the girls so I decided today that my boyfriend has some soul searching to do and that the kids come first. Not him and his selfishness.

Updates

+1 y

He needs to do some soul searching and think so I am throwing him out today. He can go stay with his dad until he figures it out and if he never figures it out I'm just gonna say see ya. He is the one throwing away and breaking up the family because he felt hurt. I did not mean to hurt him in any way and I have said that and told him I am sorry. But my kids do come first. I am not the kind of girl that needs a man to take care of her. I had my own place, car, and job when I met him and nothing

Updates

+1 y

has changed enough that I can't do it again. Thank you all for you input. I just felt completely lost.

[hubbolicious]

I completely understand where you are, and am actually going through the same thing only not to a full extend that you explained. My fiance pretty much raised my daughter who is going to be 3, he dad walked away at about 6 months, My finace has been there since she was 1. My daughters father and I do have custody arrangements by the court, and I qoute "visitation with paternal parent are as maternal parent sees fit" Therefore I decide when, where and for how long. at first my fiance stated when asked that " he wouldn't like it if someone kept his child from him, and he thinks visitations are mandatory." Now he gets upset that my daughters father does not pay support ( he pays whatever when he can) ( I choose to support her on my own for legally reasons) and doesn't think he should have parental rights... my family doesn't like her father, they voice their opinion, but that is all. They know I strongly feel a child should be able to see their parents regardless of the situation the parents are in. (even if needed to be supervised for whatever reason) I would never try to keep her away, but its also not my duty to keep him around and make him take his visitations. Its up to him to initiate and I see what works with my schedule. Her father hates it, but he knows it is what it is... I think you and your boyfriend need to sit down and talk, maybe even with a counselor, keeping your children from their father may or may not hurt them, but it will effect them in some way.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to tell you what I did when I was in a situation like you, When the Father of My child randomly appeared back to my son's life and wanted to spend time with him, My Boyfriend also got very mad and asked me not to let him see my Kid since he didn't cared in the past, I was willing to let my son get visitation from his Dad I didn't think it was right to deny. For almost a week me and Boyfriend would fight about this subject until I decided to not make the decision myself but the custody judge. I told my Son's Dad that I wasn't going to allow any visitations until the court orders, which came up even better because when you fight for visitation you need to prove to court that you don't do drugs drink and all that, they also made him get a room for my son for when he would go visit and because he past all the requirements asked for the court I felt comfortable on allowing my son to go and because it wasn't a decision I made but the court did my Boyfriend didn't give me any more crap about the situation

[hubbolicious]

Oh and I forgot... Even tho your boyfriend has taken on the father role of your children, if he is stating that " you screwed up and is not able to forgive" he is forgetting that is not his place. Out of respect for him and the family you have you asked his opinion, and he didn't give a straight answer. He is out of line although most likely more hurt that he feels those are his babies. What I did was sit down and talk to my fiance, I put my foot down.. that legally she has a biological father, (she calls him wawa) but in her heart she has a Daddy, which is what she calls my fiance. There is a difference between the two and he needs to understand that. This isn't about the adults, this is about the children. If you put your foot down and tell him (and your family) this is what it is, this is what I am doing, and IT IS NOT WRONG they will either stand beside you or leave the situation. which if the boyfriend leaves he wouldn't have been worth holding on to, and could not have loved your children as his own

[Anonymous]

Custody arrangement should have been agreed upon long time ago. Parenting duties don't stop after a separation or divorce. Financial support based on the custody arrangement is also an important step to build a healthy and fair environment.

If I'm your boyfriend and have done all the parenting work and suddenly your ex comes in while he was not assuming any fathering duties before, it's hard to swallow, because he was their dad for all that time while your ex wasn't.

It's your duty as a mom and girlfriend to think about these things ahead of time. You have the kids from a previous relationship, you have to know what your game plan is before you get another man into your kids life. You shouldn't have to change things all of a sudden after 3 years.

I understand your situation is not easy, but it's your duty to work hard so a clear custody arrangement is finally defined, corresponding financial support put into place, and parenting responsibilities for future decisions (school choice etc...) clearly agreed upon.

[Opinion Owner]

don't do it. Take your time. Stay nice to your boyfriend. For you everything might seem obvious, but to him it's not. Imagine another woman coming into your kids life and being their mother figure. Wouldn't it be some hard adjustment too? I really don;t think you realize how lucky you are that this man took over the father role and obviously invested himself quite a bit. Your kids also created a bond with him. Don;t throw that away, it's not right. May be he needs more time to let his feelings settle.

[Asker]

I did think about that adjustment. I believe yes that it would be hard. It would also take some time to get use to. But I could do it knowing that it is important for me to suck it up for the children. That's why I started letting them see their dad. I don't like him really. But the kids love him no matter what and I set all my personal feelings and hatred of him aside to make my kids happy.

[Opinion Owner]

You made some efforts for your kids. Try also to be as strong with your boyfriend. Like I said, the choice to let them see their dads seemed obvious to you. Understand that it's not that trivial for your boyfriend. That you want it or not, it does appear as a blow to him because he was their father figure before, and now it must feel lije that bond is being weaken and given to someone who might not deserve it. He made a lot of effort for you and the kids. Repay him with respect and patience, he earned it.

[Anonymous]

Good Luck With That, But Being A Dad is Difficult and Its even harder to Be a Stepdad Because you need to built a Relationship with the children of somebody else, I think your not realizing that Your Boyfriend did a lot on raising children that weren't even his, and you need to appreciate it, plus how many more man are you going to introduced to your daughters? It's easy for you to say I'm breaking up with him, but I'm sure in the future you will want to start dating again and you will built a duty reputation for you daughters, I think that if you had already established a rekationship with this BF, work it out and til the end.

[Asker]

I understand that and he has been appreciated even for fathers day and that isn't changing. But don't assume that all women break up and then just move on to the next guy please. I know there are a lot of women like that but I am not. I take relationships very seriously and the options I was given weren't fair or thoughful of my children either and he knows that. In order for it to work out he has to realize the kids come first. They always will.

[hubbolicious]

Yes being a dad is diffucult and so is being a mother. Not all relationships can be worked out until the end and not every woman will subject her children to men coming in and out of their lives. But realize they are PLENTY of GOOD men out there that would not have came to this same conclusion. I do wish it could have had a better result, but I personally look up to her, it may not be something she wants to do, but also should she have to subject her children to seeing her stressed like this?

[Opinion Owner]

I understand that women Don't move to the next guy right away but wasn't the point the point is that your daughters see this guy as Their father and they will ask for him more that his biological Dad, so they will suffer with break up too. And I think that what your not realizing here is that you had a Family and He assume the roll of a father, His opinion Counts too, Not just yours, Its a family, I think your use to being a single mom that you don;t know how it is to have a FAm

[hubbolicious]

If your speaking with me, I do have a family. My fiance is also not my daughters biological father, and I have dealt with this problem and I do understand where you are coming from, his opinion does count, but it is just that in this situation, an opinion. she should not have to live with emotional anxiety if she choose to let the children have visits with the biological father. And I agree with her, the options that were given were not fair, there was no comprimise option.

[Opinion Owner]

No I wasn't talking yo you

[Asker]

I did ask him his opinion and he had 2 months to speak up before I acted on anything. I think there was ample time to give an opinion. He didn't and so I had to make a decision. I also never had my kids call anyone but their father dad. They called my boyfriend by his name. I also know what a family is like. I am a very fair person but it seems like you are judging more than anything. I am very much willing to comprimise, but he has to work with me too. He wanted to end it because of this not me.

[Opinion Owner]

Its not that I'm judging you, I just want you to see things from his prospective, like I say I was in a situation like you and My Fiancee reacted that way when my son's father appeared and I know he reacted like that because he felt like his father, I do allow my Son to call him Dad because he is and has been his Father. I'm just saying if he's giving crap about the your daughters Father its because he care for your daughter if he didn't care he woulnt had opened his mouth

[Asker]

He didn't just give me crap. He gave me 2 choices that were going to hurt my kids no matter what. Well my ex took care of it for me. He filed for full custody and legally right now he has it. But he is leaving the kids with me. He did it so that now no matter what anyone in my family says he gets to see the girls and they can't give me hell for it. I am trying to work with my boyfriend. I love him to death. But not at the expense of my girl's happiness and well being.