I completely understand where you are, and am actually going through the same thing only not to a full extend that you explained. My fiance pretty much raised my daughter who is going to be 3, he dad walked away at about 6 months, My finace has been there since she was 1. My daughters father and I do have custody arrangements by the court, and I qoute "visitation with paternal parent are as maternal parent sees fit" Therefore I decide when, where and for how long. at first my fiance stated when asked that " he wouldn't like it if someone kept his child from him, and he thinks visitations are mandatory." Now he gets upset that my daughters father does not pay support ( he pays whatever when he can) ( I choose to support her on my own for legally reasons) and doesn't think he should have parental rights... my family doesn't like her father, they voice their opinion, but that is all. They know I strongly feel a child should be able to see their parents regardless of the situation the parents are in. (even if needed to be supervised for whatever reason) I would never try to keep her away, but its also not my duty to keep him around and make him take his visitations. Its up to him to initiate and I see what works with my schedule. Her father hates it, but he knows it is what it is... I think you and your boyfriend need to sit down and talk, maybe even with a counselor, keeping your children from their father may or may not hurt them, but it will effect them in some way.
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I'm going to tell you what I did when I was in a situation like you, When the Father of My child randomly appeared back to my son's life and wanted to spend time with him, My Boyfriend also got very mad and asked me not to let him see my Kid since he didn't cared in the past, I was willing to let my son get visitation from his Dad I didn't think it was right to deny. For almost a week me and Boyfriend would fight about this subject until I decided to not make the decision myself but the custody judge. I told my Son's Dad that I wasn't going to allow any visitations until the court orders, which came up even better because when you fight for visitation you need to prove to court that you don't do drugs drink and all that, they also made him get a room for my son for when he would go visit and because he past all the requirements asked for the court I felt comfortable on allowing my son to go and because it wasn't a decision I made but the court did my Boyfriend didn't give me any more crap about the situation
Oh and I forgot... Even tho your boyfriend has taken on the father role of your children, if he is stating that " you screwed up and is not able to forgive" he is forgetting that is not his place. Out of respect for him and the family you have you asked his opinion, and he didn't give a straight answer. He is out of line although most likely more hurt that he feels those are his babies. What I did was sit down and talk to my fiance, I put my foot down.. that legally she has a biological father, (she calls him wawa) but in her heart she has a Daddy, which is what she calls my fiance. There is a difference between the two and he needs to understand that. This isn't about the adults, this is about the children. If you put your foot down and tell him (and your family) this is what it is, this is what I am doing, and IT IS NOT WRONG they will either stand beside you or leave the situation. which if the boyfriend leaves he wouldn't have been worth holding on to, and could not have loved your children as his own
Custody arrangement should have been agreed upon long time ago. Parenting duties don't stop after a separation or divorce. Financial support based on the custody arrangement is also an important step to build a healthy and fair environment.
If I'm your boyfriend and have done all the parenting work and suddenly your ex comes in while he was not assuming any fathering duties before, it's hard to swallow, because he was their dad for all that time while your ex wasn't.
It's your duty as a mom and girlfriend to think about these things ahead of time. You have the kids from a previous relationship, you have to know what your game plan is before you get another man into your kids life. You shouldn't have to change things all of a sudden after 3 years.
I understand your situation is not easy, but it's your duty to work hard so a clear custody arrangement is finally defined, corresponding financial support put into place, and parenting responsibilities for future decisions (school choice etc...) clearly agreed upon.
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Good Luck With That, But Being A Dad is Difficult and Its even harder to Be a Stepdad Because you need to built a Relationship with the children of somebody else, I think your not realizing that Your Boyfriend did a lot on raising children that weren't even his, and you need to appreciate it, plus how many more man are you going to introduced to your daughters? It's easy for you to say I'm breaking up with him, but I'm sure in the future you will want to start dating again and you will built a duty reputation for you daughters, I think that if you had already established a rekationship with this BF, work it out and til the end.
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