My son isn't taking my relationship with my boyfriend to well?

[Funnyluvbug13]

Ok I need some advice, I have been dating this guy for a little over a year. My oldest is not a fan of other people in my life especially men. He is 12 and any friends that I bring over he is very quiet and distant usually stays up in his room and will not come down. He is twice as bad with my boyfriend. And my boyfriend feels that my son hates him and he doesn't feel comfortable being around when my son is around, but the only way to get my son to get comfortable enough to come out of his shell is for my boyfriend to come around more often. What can I do?

[Flatmanlewis]

Well, I have been both the 13yr old boy with a dating Mom (I hated it too) and the man dating a single mom (my childhood made me better at that role.). I can offer advice based only on my own optic.


First, this little man spent more time in an abusive environment than not, in the course of his lifetime. He may finally be in a place where home represents peace and security and now sees some other dude trying to step in. Idle promises like “so-and-so would never hurt you” or “I’d never let that happen” are impotent words. He HAS been hurt and you were present. You need yo absolutely OWN the mistake of allowing him to be hurt. Rather than empty promises pledge that you have learned from the mistakes of the past or better yet - allow him to tell you about his view of your guys past. How it felt and what fears linger still.


That man is in an impossible position since at some point he will have to set a boundary for your son, or address a behavior issue, and the moment he does your son will mentally identify him as trying to exert control over him and confirm that this man is a threat to his own place of comfort and safety.


You NEED to speak with your son and do a few things: own and accept your own fault in his being in an abusive situation before. Admit you tried to give his father every chance to be better and when it became obvious he couldn’t do so, you moved on and did it for the purpose of protecting him.


Next, you need to explain to your Son that as a family you are an inseparable unit and nothing will ever change that. Reinforce his place in your life and the hierarchy. It seems silly but may bring him some comfort. I’d also create a safe timeline. As I grew up family Fridays were ours and ours alone. Mom, sisters, and I and nobody else. Even when my single mom started dating a guy this Friday ritual was our time. We grew to cherish those nights. There was a comfort as a young boy knowing that I had this consistent and reliable time with my Mom. It helped us see that our Mom still chose to spend her prime time with us. She allowed us to pick family days and family trips that nobody else was allowed to be a part of and it did wonders for connecting us all. To this day we have fond memories of them.


Probably most importantly hear what he has to say. He is not comfortable for a reason and I the end that reason is more critical than my theories.


Your son no doubt needs counseling and to process being abused. If his dad is still a part of his life you can probably count on him pipelining propaganda and toxic ideas into your sons mind.


Your boyfriend needs to also come into this understanding that he’s dating a whole family, not just the mom. It takes a unique mindset to succeed at that. A ton of patience. A true understanding of the long game and where this would eventually lead.


You say your oldest so this implies there are other siblings. Are they adapting well and if so, then part of their insight and input will be critical as well. Believe me - siblings know more about each others opinions than parents do. Each child sharing opinions and having a voice you recognize is critical too.


Best of luck - I commend you for having the strength to leave a toxic relationship.

[ohsheeT]

There's a lot of things going through your son's head the first one is is he doesn't want to see you get hurt no guy's going to be good enough for you in a roundabout way that guy is taking part of your son away from you that's what you son is thinking..

When it's just you and your son at home is there good vibes is there a good communication is there fun and laughter and then when the guy shows up you're with the guy and your son kind of feels like he's an outcast

Your boyfriend he needs to put himself in your son's shoes is what he needs to do and then he needs to figure it out they're both wrong and it's not going to get any better if your boyfriend since he's the adult doesn't think of something quick I mean do you guys have go-kart tracks there do you have something crazy that you've never done that your sons never done that's what your boyfriend needs to do is say hey come on let's go someplace all three of you and if you had go-karts go drive race each other create a bond.. . What is your son into does he like cars does he like building things is he just a homebody just plays video games it's really an easy thing to do. .

It's the best thing is for your boyfriend don't kiss ass don't kiss ass and don't kiss ass he needs to be real he needs to be himself he needs to be honest he doesn't have to be a friend but he can speak with his eyes instead of his mouth sometimes and do something fun that your son become a friend of some sort they need to create a bond and it's just not going to happen overnight but it would if you had something fun to go do that you've never done before go karts are always fun.

I don't know how long you guys have dated but I guarantee you if I would have been dating you I would have already been his friend we would have something going on something stupid something silly something crazy something wild but something to connect with there's millions of things out there to do you just got to pick one..

[StarWarGirl]

Your son is reaching adolescent. In this phase it's normal to behave this way. You need to have open talk with him. Try to talk with him and try to find out that what actually bothering him. (Even if you know already still make him to say that himself). And after that you share your heart too and try to help him to deal with his insecurity. Ask him what he wants and how can it become better. How to make him feel comfortable? What is thing what he dislike about your relationship. Try to make him understand you also need companionship in simple words. He is no more child hope he may understand.

[Anonymous]

Maybe deep down he was hoping you and his dad would get back together if dad is around. If dad isn’t around, he might be feeling overwhelmed having a male figure around.

although him being close to turn 13 it could just be him going through a teenage faze where they start to distance themselves.

[Oliverlogan263]

Aw man, that's super awkward. Being a teenager is hard enough without having to deal with your mom dating. A few things you could try:

- Talk to your son and reassure him that you and boyfriend love him, that won't change. Make sure he knows you're not replacing his dad or anything.

- Ask your son what would make him comfortable around your boyfriend. Compromise so everybody feels heard.

- Invite boyfriend over when son has friends over too, so the focus is less on your relationship and more on everyone hanging out together.

- Plan low-key activities you can all do together like video games, movies, cooking dinner - things your son likes that your boyfriend can join in on casually.

- Be patient. Force him too fast and he'll resent it. Go at your son's pace and let him warm up over time. Praise when he makes any effort to interact.

- Lead by example showing your son your boyfriend treats you with respect so he learns healthy relationships.

Hope some of that helps! Communication is key, you guys will find what works with patience. His feelings are valid too while he adjusts to changes. You got this!

[slatyb]

Have you spoken with your son? What does he say? Maybe he's still hoping you will reunite with his father.

I suggest that you do not bring new men around for a while after you meet them -- some months.

[laly520]

u need to talk with ur son without being pushy or forcing him to accept anything

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

Your son is acting a bit immature.

In this case you can't force your son to like someone he doesn't like.

Don't worry about it. Your son is just going to have to live with it. Leave him alone.

[exitseven]

I taught soccer for 11 years. I knew lots of kids who had stepfather or the mother has a boyfriend. I never met any of them that liked the guys and most hated them.

[Luckycharms12]

Tbh most sons don't like there mothers boyfriend all care about is treating there mothers right

[moneymagnet24]

Yoir son is just a kid..
Your boyfriend should act maturely

[DrPepper12]

It's a tough adjustment. Family counseling would be a great idea

[Staximus]

If your boyfriend is a good guy then just keep bringing him around.

[Bklynbadboy12]

Believe it or not this is normal behavior for a boy. Tell your boyfriend to spend a little time bonding with you son he'll come around

[JacobJordan]

Why is the father not in the picture?

[Funnyluvbug13]

He was very abusive to both him and myself

[JacobJordan]

That would likely be why. The last time he had a father figure he was abused. That leaves marks. Not physical marks. You as a mother need to understand that your dating life doesn't matter when it comes to keeping your son safe. Any man who comes into your life also needs to understand what he went through because this will affect you and him (your son) and that man will need to actually put in the effort to show that he is not the boys father. Not to pry but this is important. How long was the father in the picture/abusing you both?

[Funnyluvbug13]

8 years

[JacobJordan]

... well that is a staggeringly long time for a child to suffer without protection. Well realistically when he is 32 he will have overcome what he went through and fixed any of the mental or emotional damage.

[Twalli]

Talk to your son about it.

[jahaims]

Talk to your son