What can I do about boyfriend's son?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a while now. His son is 14 and I have only seen him twice the entire time we've been dating. The first time meeting him, when my boyfriend/his dad kissed me goodbye, his son got mad and went outside. The 2nd time we went to dinner and an arcade and the son sulked the entire time and wanted to go to his mom's house as soon as we got to their place. The mom said that the son didn't think I should be sleeping over and possibly having sex when I'm not married to his dad. He will immediately leave whenever I am at my boyfriend's house or if his mom can't pick him up right away, he'll hide in his room until then. He told his mom that he feels uncomfortable around me. H hides in his room with the door closed. I figure he wants to be left alone when he does that which is 100% of the time that he has been there when I was. I don't know what to do or how I'm supposed to get to know him and vice versa. I feel like he's automatically not liking me just because I'm not his mom or maybe his mom is jealous and making this stuff up since everything is coming from the mom telling my boyfriend what the son allegedly said. They've been divorced for 6 years. We're engaged and supposed to be moving in together next month. We were going to do a trial run, try to go out to dinner, have me play videogames and board games with them as a family. As soon as he came home from school and saw me there, the boy went to his mom's for 11 days and refused to come back home until I left. I'm worried that his son might never come around and that we're going to eventually end up breaking up if his son keeps leaving like that. My boyfriend tried talking to him to find out why or what exactly is making him uncomfortable and he refuses to talk to him about it. I'm at a loss.

[DarkWinterNights]

Ouch. That’s a tough question I’m not sure I have any experience to offer- so take this with a grain of salt.


If I had to guess the primary factor here is their divorce happened while he was 7-9 which is a really crucial age for development, so there is definitely some trauma there. If the mom is telling the dad these things, it’s more likely than not- her inserting these ideas into his head, either directly or with him overhearing her talking to friends or family.


I would say he probably views you as a replacement for his mom and he doesn’t trust you or your intentions. It’s definitely going to be an uphill battle, but maybe it’s time for the three of you to sit down and have a discussion. You’ll have to be very forgiving and gentle for him to come around, but I wouldn’t give up if you are really in love with his dad.

[Billlewis]

I think you should have a talk with your boyfriend about this as soon as possible.

[Anonymous]

It's possible deep down he was hoping one day his parents would get back together. If you and this guy have been together for more than 2 years and the son hasn't come around, I would say it's unlikely he will come around.

He probably sees it as his dad trying to replace his own mom

[TruthBeTold77]

This is why I don't date people with kids. Who wants to deal with bratty kids they didn't make. I'd just leave I doubt it's going to get any better when he won't even stick around long enough to give you a chance. You've wasted enough time.

[butterly248]

The mother seems like an issue. Jealous of her ex moving on and she is gonna make life very difficult for you.