My boyfriend and son don't get along?

[Anonymous]

I've been with my partner for 4 years. He and my son don't get along at all. I feel our relationship is nearing the end. Here's a little bit about my partner. He is the sweetest guy I've ever met. He goes above and beyond for me. Massages my feet or rubs my back. Takes me out to dinner. Came to my counsellor when I needed to talk to someone. Comes for doctors appointments. He backs me up no matter what. We live far apart and he drives 10 hours every month to see me. During his stay, it is almost torture dealing with him and my son. He is constantly watching my son and telling me things he's doing. He's always on him for the smallest things. For the past year, my son has been grounded off and on every other week because my partner points out everything he does. Then gets upset at me if I don't deal with it according to what he thinks. I am so drained. It upsets me because he's so perfect in so many ways but at times he can be downright mean to my son. My son hates him and has begged me to date someone else. I feel I am letting my son down. I feel I am not the same person when my partner is around. Don't get me wrong, my son can be a little shit at times but he seems to act up more when my partner is around. I don't think my son is as bad as what my partner makes him out to be. I just don't know what to do. Just need advice. I don't know where to go from here 😔

[Anonymous]

I think you should prioritize your son, as a mother. I know it's hard when you already found the perfect guy. But, remember, this is your son. You can get any man like him later.. but, once your son's heartbreaking or he thinks you don't care about him, the truth is, you lost him a little by little. Trust me.

Seeing a mother with someone new, which is not his father, might be so hard for him. I think you should be there for him, makes him understand. Maybe, he can't yet accept there's someone new enter the family. Maybe, someday he will. Or, he gets a sense if that man is not the one for you and him. Please, prioritize your son. Listen to his opinion.

[rebekahj391]

Honestly, this doesn't sound like anything that can't be fixed. How old is your son? Are your man and your child both getting enough quality, one on one attention with you? What sort of things does he get onto him for? Can't you agree on things and be consistent with punishment rather than grounding off and on constantly? Would you consider couples counseling to help you get on the same page? I understand your concern but unless this is something that can't be compromised on, I don't think it's worth throwing away a 4 year relationship with no effort.

[Asker]

My son is 12. He's on him for not washing his hands, keeping his hands away from him face, trying to catch him in lies, on him for making his bed, keeping his room clean, going to bed on time, just the stupidest things. My son doesn't get much alone time with me because he's either grounded and can't, or my boyfriend comes along with us. If my son picks something up at the store he's in trouble because he doesn't need to pick everything up (in my partners eyes) we can't agree on any kind of punishment because my partner believes the worse he is, the harsher the punishment. He thinks he should be grounded constantly. For all the things my son gets in trouble for, he would be grounded for the rest of his life. I'm in such a shitty spot. Trying to please my partner but also trying to be a good mom is so hard. My son's behavior has greatly improved but I feel one day he will resent me and run back to his father. I fear that day if it ever happens. 😭😭

[rebekahj391]

I'd tell your partner to stop nitpicking so much and agree on which behaviors warrant punishment and which ones don't. If he does anything your boyfriend thinks needs to be punished, talk about it first and agree on a punishment before addressing it with your son. Also, if he's grounded it should just be from one thing. It certainly shouldn't interfere with your quality time with him. Maybe schedule some one on one bonding activities for the two of you to do?

[owned_kitten93]

Honestly, your son comes first. My stepson and stepdaughter are always first for my husband and I know this. What I'd do is set some ground rules. Your boyfriend can help parent but he needs limits. Pointing out every little thing is going to cause resentment with your son. Not every tiny infraction needs punishment. You're Mom, you decide what he's punished for, not your boyfriend unless he's legally adopted your son. Good luck.

[Uziel_007]

I second this!

[Asker]

@Uziel_007 . Thank you very much. He hasn't legally adopted him. So what I say goes. It's just causes a lot of resentment between us.

[Uziel_007]

Yeah, I mean if I was in your place. My son would be my priority.

That doesn't mean I'd mistreat my significant other but he's definitely the adult here and he's basically being a control freak from what you've described.

Ground rules go a long way in resolving issues such as these.

[Asker]

@Uziel_007 yes he is a control freak. I've tried asking him politely and talking about it and it always ends up in a fight. Im juat tired. Its been going on for the past 3 years. Too many talks unfortunately. 😢

[Uziel_007]

Cut your losses, let him go. Your son deserves better and, quite honestly, you do, too!

[momomu]

You should definitely leave him, he's trying to assert his dominance and Authority wayyy too much. Your son will probably wind up resenting you if you stay with him.