Is he being sexist or I'm overreacting?

[Anonymous]

I have been talking to this guy for two weeks and it kind of seems like he's interested in me or he is looking for a girlfriend. I've a very neutral feeling about it and I'm not sure how I feel about him yet. We're both working as researchers at different universities. In the beginning the conversation was very normal and nothing too personal or nothing that would warn me of anything. We just talked about our works, the books and shows we like, the weather etc. However, recently he was asking me what was my plan for that evening was and I said that I've an important class to attend. His immediate reaction was: "is it a cooking or household management class?" I kind of felt weird. It's not that I think cooking or household management are bad things, I can do both pretty well but it seemed to me that his assumption was quite sexist. However, I replied lightly and said that since there are easier ways to learn recipes online, there's no point in attending a cooking class in a busy schedule. He said: "no, I think you should be attending cooking and household management classes, it's not bad." I asked him if he knows any such classes or he attends any and he said that he doesn't think cooking is for him.

I live in a very conservative Asian country and dating or marrying a sexist man would be a nightmare. Financially we are at the same page but it would be a bad decision to marry a man who'd think that an important class for me is necessarily one where I am taught cooking and household management. Being the daughter of a housewife mother, I was taught these things as easy life skills throughout my life and I am never planning to be a full time housewife, I can do what is required but I will complete my research and teach at some university as well. Also it bothered me that he thought it is not something he needs to learn but he thinks I should, when we both are pursuing the same career and same lifestyle.

Am I overreacting? Please be respectful in the answers. Thank you.

Updates

1 y

Please ignore the errors made while writing in haste.

[AI Opinion]

Hey there, love! With those glasses, I can totally see why you’d be cautious about this. His comments definitely sound like they're dipped in a pot of classic sexism sauce! 🍳 It's understandable to feel weird about the assumption that you'd be hitting up cooking classes just because you're a woman. Red flags are waving when someone applies outdated gender roles to you, while holding different expectations for themselves. Trust your instincts and look for someone who respects your professional dreams, as well as your personal expertise—because babes, you deserve someone who can handle everything you bring to the table! 🥳

[SteveSmith1985]

I don't think you're overreacting. In fact I know you're not. I had this beffuddled smile on my face, right up until you mentioned you were from a conservative Asian country.

So, what I'm worried about here is that we might not be using the same definition of "sexist"

So the reason I was amused at first, was because it seemed unbelievable that any guy would ever say that to you... in 2025. It seemed like a problem that would have been almost a trope in the 1970s. It's old old old school sexism... that just sounds absurd (to me).

I can tell you that at least by the standards here (I'm in Canada by the way)... what he said to you is blatantly sexist. It's based on some 1950s idea of the domestic housewife who stays at home, raises the kids, and keeps the house tidy.

The assumptions underlying his view is definitely sexist. It's sexist in its domestic division of labor. He didn't think he had to learn that stuff, because he expects his wife to know how to do it for him.

This is exactly as sexist as you think it might be. You most definitely aren't overreacting.

Now, he is conservative. He believes in the traditional division of labor within a marriage (meaning, women keep house, men are the head of household and breadwinner). So that "traditionalist" conservative view is inherently sexist. This is sexist insofar as it's in line with a traditional view of gender.

When you say you're from a conservative Asian country, and marrying a sexist man would be a nightmare... I'm thinking you may be talking about a more overt sexist attitude that goes beyond the traditional conservative (still very sexist) norms.

I just don't want a misunderstanding because we're thinking of different kinds of "sexist" This guy seems to be conservative for sure, with all its sexist assumptions. If he's more sexist than that (if he would be abusive to his wife) I don't see that kind of sexist in what he said. But... considering your research and career goals this guy might indeed have a very different idea of what the proper role of a wife looks like.

[slatyb]

He's an ass.