Is it fair to be upset if your long term partner/spouse doesn't want to move with you for work?

Question

Let's say you've just gotten your ultimate dream job but you find out you are going to have to move as part of the deal. You tell your partner, and they don't want to move. They support you, but their family, their friends, their job, their life is in your city. Is it really fair to be upset with them for not wanting to move or "if they love you," they should make the sacrifice?

Angelo75 · Accepted Answer

On one side (your side) its a fair feeling. On the other side (your partner) its unfair simply because "YOU" changed the terms of the relationship.
If you would have said at the beginning that you want to move to another city for your job, your partner might have avoided such a relationship.
Now he/she is emotionally attached to you and risking being forced into a situation he/she didn't want.

The funfact about this whole question is, if true love is about GIVING instead of getting... How do you get to a point that you would be upset because you're not getting what you want in the relationship?

The way the relationship should work (based on true love) is that you wouldn't even consider taking such a job, because you want your partner to have a steady life. (giving)
But your partner might even get upset when he/she finds out that you are actually sacrificing your dream job without even asking him/her.

See how the point of view of the main question is totally backwards? Relationships should be about "giving", not about "getting".

But hey... I'm old-fashioned like that.

SteveSmith1985 · Accepted Answer

I don't think there are any set rules about this. This is something every couple would have to decide based on their own specifics. Somebody is going to have to make a sacrifice to figure out which of the two options makes more sense.

This is where having a loving healthy relationship is important. If you both love each other, then there should be one of the two answers that makes the most sense... to both of you. You work it out as a couple. Not as two individuals with competing interests.

DishLady · Accepted Answer

Upset? When they met you they didn’t automatically sign up to relocate and uproot their lives just for you. It’s understandable they’d either need time to come around to your perspective, to reconcile themselves with a parting of ways, or to find some other viable option. No matter what, there will be a consequence….

The question is which consequence is closest to what you both want?

PeachyPie93 · Accepted Answer

I learned the hard way that moving from your support circle for someone else isn't usually worth it especially when you are both from the same place. It's understandable to be mad but you are the one choosing to move and if they don't want to, it is what it is.

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

Oh, it’s perfectly normal to feel a sprinkle of frustration mixed with a dash of disappointment, isn’t it? 🌟 You're balancing love with personal aspirations, which can be trickier than a rom-com plot twist. While it's tempting to feel like love should make sacrifices, it's essential to recognize their attachments to their current life too. Everyone has those red flags waving around when it comes to big changes. The lovebombing shouldn't overtake personal boundaries. It’s all about finding that magical middle ground together! 💙

Finchie40 · Answer

It’s not fair to your partner that you are choosing a job over them , if the job is more important to you , then it’s best for you to go your separate ways ways if they aren’t willing to go with you

OlderAndWiser · Answer

"if they love you," they should make the sacrifice? What about: if you love them, YOU should make the sacrifice? Or how about: you two should have discussed this before the decision was made.

AviatorTom · Answer

If you expect them to make a sacrifice for you, why don't you make a sacrifice for them... and stay where you are? Putting work above family will not survive for long.

AMS700CX4u2 · Answer

In 40+ years of employment we moved 9 times. I was chasing the bucks, I will not advise anyone to try that. There are advantages and disadvantages. The worst is that when you hit retirement years you will not have a house payed for. But that was a relationship that started in 1972, my wife and I had the same training. We never had problems finding jobs. Things are so different now. My wife's income alternated between ancillary and finally necessary. You can always make new friends and anew social platform but in today's world her professional side cannot be ignored. She m, ay not be in a position to easily break away.

abc3643 · Answer

Realistically, there is no right answer for this question.
And, one reason is that you only get one life but, as American capitalism illustrates, jobs are rarely permanent.

I guess my realistic answer would be this:
Go ahead, take the job, and move.
Have an LDR at this point but accept that this could lead to the end of your relationship... and that may be fine - trust me on this.
If the job is good and stable and looks like it's going to last for 20 years, then maybe bring this issue up again with him; maybe he'll want to move at that point - especially after visiting you a few times and gets to know the place.
However, if it doesn't work out, it wasn't going to work out anyway because deep love was not involved between you too. And, most important, there are other fish in the LOCAL sea.

Lliam · Answer

#1. I wouldn't even consider moving for someone if we weren't married. If we were married, it would be another thing.

#2. What about the partner's job/career? Are they in a position to just start over?

If I wasn't in a position to be able to follow her to her new destination, no matter how much I wanted to, I wouldn't be upset with my partner. I would be upset by that fact that circumstances were forcing us to separate. I'd be losing the person I loved.
I would be crushed, but I would be happy that she had won her dream job and wouldn't want to hold her back from chasing her dreams.

Sun_Kim-Ai · Answer

Good question, I'm going through a similar situation right now.

I was a bit disheartened at first - I didn't even ask her to move, just to visit every once in a while, apparently that was too much. Now I have accepted and making the best out of it - I have a home in an area I love, it's all mine to decorate and keep the way I want. I can take long walks in the fields, and there's a nearby monastery that holds Mass multiple times a week for me to attend. I even rent a boat to go fishing and enjoy the lake.

Purpleronnie · Answer

Well hypothetically I would say that it should have been spoke about before the position was applied for because at that point it was a possibility. For me , being in a relationship MEANS you should communicate with your partner, it’s just BASIC respect.

Also , in your hypothetical , not to pick holes , but who says that dream jobs on the face of it are actually that in reality?

In that scenario I’d say they can be upset but that’s on them for “expecting” their partner just to up end his life sacrificing everything else they hold dear for them. That’s not love , that’s being taken for granted.

Anonymous · Answer

Sure you can be upset, heartbroken. Doesn’t mean they have to move w you. What if they’re working their dream job. Now you want them to move w you cause you found your dream job. Is this dream job a job that’s going to bring in a lot of money? If so are you going to take over as the provider in this relationship? I’d probably feel a little upset myself. But you’re trying to guilt someone into making that sacrifice of if you loved me you’d do this. That isn’t love. It’s manipulation. Someone could easily ask you to give up your dream job for your partner. If I said well she should give up her dream job for me if she loved me, how would that sit w you? If it’s that important to you then take it. But don’t try to guilt the person into it by using their feelings for you against them.

Anonymous · Answer

It's not fair to your partner.

Let me put it a different way. Say hypothetically I'm married, right now I'm the bread winner. My wife gets her dream job two states away. But said dream job makes half what my job makes. I'm sorry in that situation keeping us in a house and at our current lifestyle is more important. It would be wrong for her to force us to move for less money and at the cost of my job. On that same token, if her salary was higher than mine (unlikely because I'm already 6 figures, almost 7) I'd be okay moving..

Basically the only way it's okay is if it betters our current situation.

Anonymous · Answer

This comes down to, "for the good of the relationship". If there's a future between you it has to be about what's best overall. If he makes more than you, then NO. If you make more than him, then YES. Now it doesn't always have to be about money. But that's generally why we work.😆. Partner is one thing, SPOUSE is another. If you're already married this probably should have enough a conversation already (unless the relocation was sprung on ya).

One things for certain if he unwilling to relocate he's made a statement about your relationship.

Miristheiss · Answer

Women "leading" the relationship?

A woman's career dictating evwrything in a couples life? Even dictating if the relationship can continue... her career?

The thing men do not even care about?

Go marry your career. You are not a legitimate long term option. You are a rabis feminist if you think a man should live his life based on some woman's job.

Shiprex · Answer

Being upset is fair enough but they may not want to lose THEIR dream of being in the job and relationship (S) they have right now.
They may value YOU AND their life as it is and are also disappointed you want to destroy that in a bid to get the career opportunity you want.

slatyb · Answer

You feel what you feel. How long have you been together? This is a big ask. You are asking him to give up his friends, his work, his activities to move and start over. You should be understanding, but it's possible that this is the end of your relationship.

ProbablyClueless · Answer

It's fair to be upset about that, but it's also fair for them to not want to move. It's just one of those situations that's gonna suck no matter what.

The decision to make that move represents a fundamental split in the road of the relationship.

Joshydavid25 · Answer

Yeah, I wouldn't be quick to move either if everything I had known is already there.. Just for a job.. I mean you have the right to be upset if they don't want to move, but you gotta question if it's right to be upset with them seeing you want to uproot them for a job..

exitseven · Answer

I got through grad school and I was on the short list (their words) for a job with NASA. It was in Florida which is where I always wanted to live. This big envelope with the NASA logo on it shows up at my house. When I got home my wife said if I was moving to Florida I would be going there alone.

Aakash_Hangargi · Answer

It's a situation that only you two can decide there no right or wrong it's just a choice to be made based on what you need further.

Take that job move to where ever you want see how it turns out whether you will like your job or not take time be apart so then will you come to know what to do further you have to take the first step to get your answers.

Anonymous · Answer

are you married? that could make it a different story. married people who want to make things work will usually start packing to move with their wife/husband. because they love them more than their job. others who don't see things long term will say "bye"

nawtee_me · Answer

First off if you are in a long term committed relationship is it fair for you to take that job if your partner is working at his own job and you would be asking him to quit it. But the real question is what is more important the new job or the relationship? This possibility was always there so you both discussed it prior to you getting the job, right? Because you should have talked about it so it wouldn’t be a surprise.

lyrem04 · Answer

A spouse  can  consider it, although I think it’s a serious thing to talk about like what it involves cuz she is indeed leaving her entire support system and probably her job to follow your dream so…

NicholasRedone · Answer

Broadly speaking : sure in a hypothetical, I'd feel like she was honest that were not serious / we're not long term and I'd be a mature adult about it. After all, a man shouldn't force someone to do something they don't wanna do :) 💍

Babebytheshore85 · Answer

Has he married you? No.. so what does that tell you?

soe11 · Answer

Should be precondition with each other. To be sacrificed for each other. Should not be upset, rather negotiate and adjust between two. To get positive and constructive conclusions.

BonzoInBitburg · Answer

My wife wouldn't even consider applying for work in a different city without talking about it first.

MikkiM · Answer

It takes time. Decision would change at the right time. For now dont push boundaries but hint that you want to move.

tylrswftversion · Answer

I think you should have discussed that before applying to the job

LauraJ00 · Answer

All emotions are fair. It’s the actions/decisions we make that we need to be careful with.

RingOfFire · Answer

No, if you love them you should make the sacrifice and stay where you are. It's a matter of priorities. Which is more important the job or them?

WhitneySnow · Answer

Hopefully you guys can work it out. If you can’t agree, you need to go your separate ways.

TheSpaceGnome · Answer

This scenario shouldn't happen, couples should have the same interests, hobbies, and career goals.

blackeagle007 · Answer

This one is tough. Depends on the stage of the relationship. I couldn’t hold someone back from a good opportunity. I’d love one too. I really can’t give a good answer with this

JesseP1nk · Answer

So you want your partner sacrifice family, friends, their job just to make you happy... yeah... thats bit narcissistic, no? Its all about you and not about him.

Nikki1989 · Answer

That would depend heavily on the specific circumstances of the relationship.

Sal_Monella · Answer

What would this dream job do for the best interests of our family?

LiamS95 · Answer

That's a hard one as it could ruin your partners chance for promotion and growth.

bddddd · Answer

I wouldn't use the word 'upset'. But it is definitely the end of the relationship.

chocolatetwopointo · Answer

nope, u dont share lifes u still have different lifes and goals

Fury_storm · Answer

no one makes sacrifices for a woman your age. you are old as fuck

JasonOrlove · Answer

I dont think you can force your long term Partner to move ib with you anywhere

Gwendoline · Answer

Largely depends.

DrPepper12 · Answer

Life is about choices

Jamie05rhs · Answer

This is why college relationships end in breakup.

Staximus · Answer

Work is not your life

Anonymous · Answer

I think it's quite normal.

Cheerfull009 · Answer

I don't like long distance relationship

Is it fair to be upset if your long term partner/spouse doesn't want to move with you for work?

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