My husband has gained a lot of weight lately. How can I bring this up without starting a fight?

Question

So, my husband used to be pretty fit, but over the last year or so, he’s put on quite a bit of weight. I love him no matter what, but I’m starting to worry about his health and, honestly, sometimes I miss the old him who was more active.

I don’t want to hurt his feelings or make him feel bad about himself. Whenever I try to joke about it, he just gets defensive or shuts down. How can I encourage him to be healthier without causing drama?

Ladies, have you dealt with this? And guys, how would you like your partner to bring it up?

Screenwriter · Accepted Answer

Wow. Sounds like your husband is depressed and has used food as his medicine. The fact that he's stopped being active and has stopped his healthy routine and caring about himself means something serious is wrong.

Approach him about these facts. Don't joke about it because it's not funny and his negative reaction shows you he's completely aware of the fact that he's not taking care of himself. Clearly, he doesn't know WHAT to do to get himself out of the depression and worry he's fallen into.

Tell him you miss the fit version of your husband and you don't understand how he's stopped taking care of himself, both of which are true. Harsh, but true. Ask him what is going on to make him so changed.

Could be something about his job, or a host of other issues that he's clearly not telling you about.

Suggest that you get marriage counseling together to get to the bottom of this. And ask him to take walks with you every evening. At least that's some exercise. Aim for three days a week, then up it to four or five.

Make that appointment. If he refuses, you tell him you're going to go by yourself, because you have to deal with this significant change in your spouse. I bet your bedroom activity has dropped off too, hasn't it?

These are all very bad signs and indications of some serious stuff going on inside his head with him.

Tell him you love him and want to see him at his best. How he is now is far off that mark. This is about his mental AND physical health. Major heart attacks start with men near age 45. Deadly ones. Mention this, too.

None of the above is about drama or a fight. It's all rational and reasonable for a wife to want a fit, active husband. He's not 100. He's still young. Don't forget to mention THAT. He's too young to be so out of shape.

Ultimately, though, it has to be up to him. He may need therapy and an antidepressant. Getting him to act on getting better, may be difficult since it's been a year and a half of him doing nothing to help himself.

Tell him you're up for supporting him through getting better because he's a good man. If he can hear that cries and gives you a hug, there's. chance he might start on his way. Even if he doesn't, he has the right food for thought planted. Good luck.

jennifer_bloom · Accepted Answer

I had people in my family try to motivate me with criticism or social discipline which made me very very angry and resentful. I think if you want somebody to be athletic, you should make the athletic lifestyle fun and interesting for them.

I read that when a child is engaging in recreational play and enjoying the process of learning and gaining knowledge, they learn skills over 25 times faster than a child who hates learning and gaining knowledge and is only doing it because they fear their parents will whip them with a belt for not working hard enough.

And I learned in my university textbook that positive reinforcement is more effective than punishment at motivating people to be productive and sacrificial in their lives. So making exercise fun is more effective than telling your partner they are ugly and fat.

I also believe personally, that leading by example is more effective than scolding or giving instructions to people about what they should or should not do.

Purpleronnie · Accepted Answer

Well firstly , he will absolutely be aware of his weight gain and likely completely understand the reason (s) for it. He is also really quite sensitive about it hence why your humor is causing him to be defensive and he isn’t laughing along with you. This could also be a sign of him being somewhat concerned

A change of tact may be the way forward. Show him and tell him you love him even if he is a little rounder / heavier than before , after all both bodies partners in a relationship go through many changes as they age , not all of them complimentary , both of you will need that re-assurance as you age. This is why a relationship always demands more than physical attraction after all. Assuming his weight gain is not for any medical reason and that he is otherwise happy mentally speaking , what do a few pounds matter.

I feel from what you have said however that he knows full well and wants to loose the pounds and that’s good. Maybe after you re-assure him for a little bit and stroke his ego you could work off a few pounds together?

Maybe_Maybe_not · Accepted Answer

I usually consider that gaining a lot of weight is only the surface, a "symptom" of something psychological pressuring for him, a consequence. Not a cause. So, by talking with him about the consequence (weight gain) instead of the cause (why this weight gain), it might lead to improductive, misconceived, or useless fights.

So, in that case, I wouldn't talk to him about weight, I would talk to him about "what's really going on with his (mental) life lately?"

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

As a relationship coach, my aim is to sprinkle a bit of love and understanding into such spicy discussions. Try starting with shared activities like inviting him for a walk or cooking a healthy meal together. Focusing on mutual health goals rather than his weight alone might make it feel less personal and more about shared love. Encourage him by caring for your health as a team. Team effort for the win! 😄 Just communicate out of love, not critique, and always highlight how important he is to you, regardless of size. 💪❤️

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Summeroflove · Answer

Well sometimes being honest respectfully is better then not being so. It’s okay for you to want him to be healthy and loving someone is wanting to see someone at their best. Not shaming them but helping them and being with them through the process. Such as for instance you working out with him

ShellyB · Answer

This is a tricky subject, I think what I would do is, when there is news about a celebrity dying young when the celebrity wasn’t in great physical shape, I might mention that and then say something like “I want you around for a long time, you have to outlive me” and that might at least get the conversation started in a loving way. Just a thought!

AviatorTom · Answer

You probably can't without starting a fight. Your best chance is to let him know you care about him and his health, that you notice he's put on weight lately, and that you'd be happy to help him lose it.

Finchie40 · Answer

Just be honest and upfront that you noticed his weight gain and tell him you are concerned because he was never like this before , and tell him if you need some help getting motivated again, they you are there for him no matter what

TrueConfection · Answer

Why do I get the impression this is a guy asking about his girlfriend (not even wife)?

WindAtMyBack · Answer

He knows he's gaining weight. That is even more true if he used to be fit. Fit people pay more attention to their body and probably hold the bar higher for themselves as well as others.

Losing weight is almost entirely about self discipline. That's on him and there's not much you can do in that regard. You can lead by example. It's important that you not contribute to it - for example wanting to go out for ice cream or ordering an XL pizza.

Also, try to find out if there is a medical or psychological reason for it. Is he under a lot of stress? Does he have insomnia?

You can talk to him directly about it. It doesn't have to be done in a confrontational or accusatory way. It can be a quiet couples talk.

Cormac995 · Answer

Make it clear that you're not trying to shame him about it but you're concerned about his health and don't want him to get sick. If it comes from a place of love instead of judgement, he will likely be far more receptive. You're right to be concerned but I will say the weight jokes were a bad idea because those poke at insecurity more than you think even if they're well mannered. I can laugh all day long if me and my friends joke about my mental illness because I have a dark sense of humor but weight gain stings more because it makes you feel unwanted and undesirable. Even those little jokes can sting that nerve. Women forget men have a lot of the same emotional responses and insecurities as women do. How would you want him to bring it up to you?

Caroline91 · Answer

Maybe pick a time you can both give full attention to a discussion and start with "Babe, I'm really concerned..." Then say exactly what you said in your post. Also, kiss him before you start and touch him while you are speaking to him, with good eye contact. If it were my husband, I would sit on his lap with my arms around his neck while I spoke to him. Tell him how much I love him and then say it.

Zack-Bann · Answer

“Are you pregnant or something you fat piece of shit?”

Nah just kidding that wouldn’t help.

An easy trick is to innocently sit down and look at old pictures then start gushing about how fit he looks in them.
It will imply without saying that no longer looks like that

If he brings it up first you can say tell him that you think he still got it in him to be in shape

It might motivate him to workout a bit more

Prin97 · Answer

You have to ask yourself the most obvious question here is it something that annoys you? If it does annoy you then yes have you out with him, And just tell him that you think that it might be very unhealthy for him and maybe go on a diet for 2 to 3 months in order to get his cholesterol levels down. Use any excuse

virgo2267 · Answer

Answer is very simple…. Are you ready for it?

FUCK HIM DAILY.

Before bedtime or better yet, in the middle of the night. Get him worked up and watch him sweat all those calories overnight…

Trust me, it took me a couple of months to fit back into my old jeans in no time. That of course, and modifying my diet. No more junk food and avoid sweet drinks. Zero sugar all the way !!!

genericname85 · Answer

well you may not be able to avoid confrontation. but you can always frame it as you trying to help him. like you can say that you couldn't help but notice that he put on weight. you can immediately follow that by saying you still love him but you'd like for that to change for the better so ask him for what you can do so that you can have that. maybe if you're framing it as a "he does something for you" thing, he's more likely to engage.

BarryLiverstone · Answer

He used to be fit. Why was he fit? Did he exercise or enjoy a hobby or passion that kept him doing athletic things? Was he eating healthy? How about stress and sleep habits? Something changed last year and instead of calling him fat or saying he’s gained weight can you help him figure out what all had changed in his life?

Staximus · Answer

Is he stressed out or depressed? Or stopped exercising because of an injury? Also if you are not physically fit yourself then you have no room to talk. Don't keep unhealthy snacks in the house and cook him some healthy meals of mostly vegetables and lean meat.

PeachyPie93 · Answer

Ask him if he wants to do something active like hiking or something he used to enjoy doing.. If he doesn't then he probably has something wrong mentally that is bringing him down.. You should try to see if something is bothering him..

hannamontana · Answer

The best approach is to be honest and direct with him. You should kindly let him know how you feel and what’s on your mind, so there’s no confusion or misunderstandings between you.

NoDecision · Answer

Buy him a bra as a joke. When he asks why you tell him. "Because if you keep gaining weight you will need it for your  moobs ."

Flower7 · Answer

Don’t make jokes about this. That’s rude. Just say that you’re worried about his health and that you liked when he used to do the more active things.

Anonymous · Answer

Best way is to control his diet, you know what he eats and the portions and encouragehim to go to the gym. That's what I do. When he's been to the gym and eating right, I let him know by telling him how turned on I am by his muscles.

exitseven · Answer

He already knows he is getting too fat. The trick is to find out why. The other piece of this is how are you doing in the weight department,?

BonzoInBitburg · Answer

Brutal honesty works best. Then cheer him on and support him when he gets active again.

strateguy632 · Answer

As you said you are worried about health say that be honest. If you are turned off, looks gross, be honest too.

Likes2drive · Answer

Maybe just tell him that you’re concerned about his health and the extra weight is definitely damaging to the heart and can cause diabetes

Anonymous · Answer

Organize exercise you both do together. Evening bike rides or something you would both enjoy. Slightly demanding routes.

fonduegirl · Answer

Is he sensitive about his weight? If not, it's not a problem

qwerty2469 · Answer

Men aren't women. Tell him directly to his face that he got fat and he needs to do something about it

Notherndude84 · Answer

That’s a difficult situation, I would try a positive approach, cook healthy, slowly get rid of junk food in the house, help him without him knowing it

SotiCoto · Answer

Live by example.  You want to change him, change yourself and encourage him to follow.

jahaims · Answer

You should bring able to be honest with you husband without it being a fight

nawtee_me · Answer

He is your husband, just tell him you want a paternity test to see if those twins he is carrying is yours….

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Jeff51 · Answer

I may be mean but say. You know what Hon. Lose the wight

Bklynbadboy12 · Answer

Have you talk to him and told him how you feel. You have to communicate let him know maybe he'll change and if he doesn't that dump him

beefcakebradybatson · Answer

Get some of his buddies to talk to him about better self-care.

Texasgal95 · Answer

just be honest with him that you are concerned

andreasderjuengere · Answer

Begin with: cooking smaller portions :)

Babygirl_S · Answer

Ask him to join you for a jog

Anonymous · Answer

Just be honest with him.

Anonymous · Answer

Stop giving the lard ass free pussy.

Herofin · Answer

Be honest

James994 · Answer

Honesty is key

RossyBoi · Answer

Divorce him.

My husband has gained a lot of weight lately. How can I bring this up without starting a fight?

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