Anyone else terrified of being “second choice” to the people you love?

[Anonymous]

Bit of a vent, bit of a question. I’ve had a lot of friendships fade over the years — especially close female friends — because they get into relationships and slowly phase me out. No drama, no fights, just… gone. It’s left me feeling like I’m always the “optional” person, the one people drop when something “more important” comes along.

In relationships, I’ve never felt like I was truly a priority either. My current partner is loving and caring, and when I tell him about these fears, he reassures me I am a priority (and usually acts accordinly). But he also believes friends should usually come first if it comes down to it, and while I agree in principle (isolation from friends should always be a dealbreaker) it still hits me in that old wound.

Add in that he sometimes talks about his last ex with some sadness as they were close friends before dating (it comes up in a relevant conversation where we are both sharing our pasts, he doesn't bring it up otherwise) but my brain instantly goes: “I’ll never be as important to him as she was.”

But on that same note we are 30 and 31, been together over a year and known each other for much longer and are looking to buy a house together in the next 6-12 months. Logically I know he loves me. He acts like he loves me, he tells me he loves me. Im aware its a bit irrational. It's just hard when the entirety of lived experience up until now HAS been relationships and friendships kinda leaving me high and dry. Not all in nefarious ways, but still.

I like myself and I’m not insecure in every area of life — but when I care deeply, this fear of being “good but not the one” just explodes. I want to love fully without constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I am both medicated and have been in therapy before that is suggested 😩. I mostly just want real life experiences and advice from others.

If you’ve been through this, how do you convince yourself you’re not just a placeholder?

Thank you!

[cora1]

With friendships, everyone has their obligations and their lifestyles also change. It’s natural to loose friendships because your lifestyles simple don’t coordinate.

In relationships it’s a little different since they are your partner and your family now. Friends should not come first! Your friends are not going to come in and save you from problems that only you and your partner can have for example. They will be there for the good and for the bad and are a great support system, but when it comes to the solving of problems it’s you and your partner, so both of you should be making yourselves a priority. You are completely valid with your worries and it’s normal to feel this way especially after he has talked about his ex. I wouldn’t say this is something to break up over, but I can definitely see how it might build up resentment in the future for him not “loving” you the same. It might make you question your value when you are a completely valuable person and believe me someone can definitely value you and see you and love you for who you are! I’ve been on this position where you begin to compare and it’s completely self destructive to your confidence. Everyone is different though with different beauty. I eventually broke up with him and I will never go back to ever possibly being a second choice.

[Levin]

Okay, this is mostly my trauma, too.

Some, slightly wandering ideas, not sure if helpful.

But one of the things I've done is put myself first. ie making sure I don't tolerate crap. I've gotten rid of a very dear friend not so long ago, becuase I was treated poorly. Relationship wise, I'd rather be single than in bad company. So sure, there is always some form of compromise, but I'm never with someone just for the sake of it or because I can't tolerate being alone. I always strive to better myself. And I suppose what I'm looking for, to sum it up, is appreciation. That's the key word. That's what will make me melt. And that's what I've not had before. I will get that. I deserve in the least what I can give back. I'm a very loving and cherishing person.

I did find the statement about him putting friends before a relationship, first, a little odd. Did I understand that? Why would he say that? If you choose to commit than a relationship pretty much comes before most things.

In terms of therapy, medication, just my opinion based on my experience, but good therapy is all about integration. ie we're all trying to escape that horrid feeling, that sense of rejection, of not being good enough, etc. However, if we allow it to be, feel it, so we can process it, without fully buying in to it, then this can help process it. If therapy is all based on mental abstraction then this can be less helpful.

I would also say that an understanding partner is helpful. One who listens, doesn't see your emotions as an inconvenience, and tries to allay your fears. Having said that, if you're always looking through the feeling space of your past emotions, then indeed, it will be hard for the same old emotions not to come up when you're next triggered, and to ultimately believe him.

[Purpleronnie]

While I understand and agree with some of what you say in your description I can’t help but add that “we are all the products of our lives thus far “. Sure we can tell ourselves that we should always be number 1 priority to our partners but that doesn’t make it true and I for one NEVER want to be my lady’s first priority , I want that to be her !. I am sharing her life but I am NOT her life.


As for friends , well perhaps I’m just built different but I’ve never expected to be in the pockets of my friends or them in mine. Our lives are busy with families and careers , socials etc and we have never put any pressure on ourselves to be more. Just makes the time we do spend catching up more valuable when it happens , either once a month or once a year ! , we just pick up where we left off , no judgement or expectations. Since some of those friendships have lasted 25 years or more then it’s working ?


To make an observation , you seem like you made need more for YOU in your life. No partner should be required to provide that.

[Vneila21]

I understand that, and I've been through it. Not the dating part in particular, just... ghosting. I have not really got over that. I think the central question tied to it is: who is more valuable? While valuing another person is honorable, it's especially hard when you do not get the same treatment. I aim to treat everybody as my equal. As life goes on, I value boundary making more than standard lifting. Possibly they're the same, I don't know, but lifting your standards against yourself has limits. Allowing yourself to make mistakes is better because that is how anyone learns. Now boundary making, not allowing someone to walk all over you because you want to be important in their life is not the thing to do.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop is a habit. You may or may not need it. That fear is as real as fight or flight.

[AI Opinion]

Ah, love, it seems like you’ve danced with those pesky relationship shadows before! But don't worry, I've got you. Feeling like a "second choice" isn’t a fun tango, but here's the twist – you’re a unique dance partner in every relationship! 💃

It’s all about shifting that spotlight from the shadows to your fabulous self. Recognizing your own worth and embracing it is your shining star moment. You've landed a partner who's keen on buying a house and building a future with you – that's not placeholder material, honey, that’s front and center!

Recognize that every relationship, friendships or love, is a different beat. If you catch those "what if" thoughts, remind yourself that you're loved for who you are in this current waltz. Keep the conversations open with your boo, sprinkle in that therapy wisdom, and let the dance flow naturally. 💕

[jennifer_bloom]

I do not care if my female friends or family members do not make me their first choice unless they are cancelling appointments every time to meet with others, or showing up late when their priority friends call them up.

If they meet scheduled appointments on time and treat me with respect, then I do not care at all if they have other friends or family that are higher on their priority list.

Nobody is high on my priority list, since God is the only one that is high on my priority list.

[DishLady]

At a certain age you figure a guy and a gal getting together are not experiencing their first anything anymore... so no, I'm not terrified of anything. I'm most likely the second (or more) serious person a guy will be with at this point in life. It's ok. We've all struggled and if that's the right person for me and I'm the right person for him then it will work out.

[DonaldDarko]

I'm like that too. Not really as entertaining or interesting to people due to my personality. I just don't have that touch that people have. I'm different, always on the outside looking in. I'm never anyone's first choice. However I've grown accustom to it, comfortable with it. I have come over time to prefer it. I don't know how I would handle things if that were to change. The thing is that there is power in not needing people's approval or their attention. That's the power the monks have the hermits. The problem is that now I carry that indifference. It's not like I don't enjoy those things but I'm supposed to want to participate, I'm supposed to feel like you do. I kind of feel like I'm throwing a wet blanket on things. People know I don't care, I don't want to spread the kind of thinking I have. I want people to be able to laugh and play and want to be included. Someone like me forces them to ponder that position. I don't want to be something that fucks up society even a little bit.

[aaron13547]

Yes definitely. I feel and understand everything you say. my solution to it is knowing the purpose is always me. And everyone else's purpose is always them... sometimes 2 people's purposes align and it's easier to live with them then without them. Knowing that is sometimes is scary as he'll. I think love is suppose to be unconditional yet we as people say I'll love if you... for me. Make me happy ill make you happy to depend on that is really hard for me. The best way I've found to be happy is to find it within myself. However I also still feel Like I'm missing something because I'm afraid to trust people a lot of the time. My conclusion is Being afraid of being a person's second choice is why it feels so good when they reassure us we come first. So the bad feeling of being afraid comes from the same place the good feeling of being choosen first comes from... accepting that has a freedom and understanding. Like good and bad are meant to be one in the same...

[AlexBlack007]

Absolutely! Right there with you. It's one of the biggest reasons why I want to completely give up on the idea of relationships.

If I was going to be anyone's first choice I'm sure I would've had at least a couple of relationships by now but I'm at zero and I guess I'm bitter about it now. 🙄 Which, I know, it's a me-problem, nobody needs to bother telling me that just because they're getting the chance to talk down to some random internet loser from behind their keyboards. Call it insecurity or whatever. It's not new to me.

Luckily I guess I'm at least good enough as a friend someone can talk to when they have nowhere else to go. It's fine. I've lost enough friends to know that no friend might be a permanent one in my life. The best I can do in that regard is be the permanent one myself in a friend's life if they need one and I can be there.

[Dennisjf12]

One of the most important thing's is between all couples is communication & it is usually one of the first things that stops, but the tv must be turned off to talk but if your unable to talk face to face then the next choice is to write letters' to write to each other is a must.

& Ask each other about there fantasies & then you two need to decide if your relationship is strong enough for that & if you do decide to try each others fantasia, remember if you do it for one person it is only fair to do it for the other person, remember everything in your relationship must be done equally for both partners.

I repeat everything must done equally for both of you, even oral sex

[McSteamy]

This relates to me exactly but it's not in person, it's online. I had quite a lot female friends in the last 10 years but they ghosted me when they found someone new or gotten into relationships. I even debated with them that what's went wrong but they simply ignored. One thing i realised that people eventually leave us doesn't matter how much effort we invest. I was always a second choice.. few even picked me as a way to share their lovely moments with their partners. One thing is for sure, we stay happy if we love ourselves. We shouldn't depend on people emotionally. It's stressful.

[Kelley1]

No one gets their first choice, or else we would all marry movie stars. However, since you are not a movie star, you cannot be a man's first choice. The man had to settle for you, because he couldn't do better, and you settled for him because you couldn't marry your dream movie star.

[ProbablyClueless]

Um... I think I spent enough of life as the second choice for a lot of people that I wouldn't really let it bother me at this point.

That's not someone I would stick around for though. I am able to identify that kind of thing pretty quickly, and I would simply stop pursuing the connection.

[genericname85]

no. you're not gonna be the first choice cause they can't have their first choice cause their first choice doesn't want them back. i think this is pretty much true for the vast majority for people. just accept it. you don't need to be their first choice. just the best they can get xD

[Kelley1]

That is true. We all want the best, but we settle for the best we can get.

[Zack-Bann]

Not terrified no
But it is one of my boundaries


If I’m second choice to a lover then we have nothing further to invest in one another


I’m not good at sharing no matter the context

[Nikki1989]

What makes you think most of us are ever the first choice?

I would certainly never want to be with someone who has had such little life experience.

[Asker]

I just mean more in the sense that they wish you were who they can no longer be with. Not that they have a history.

[Anonymous]

Sort of. I'm not really afraid of it. I just won't tolerate it. That is why I've remained single. As the old saying goes, "If she wanted she would". And if she is not willing to demonstrate what I mean to her , then she doesn't get me.

[sean1234]

2nd choice, lol, I'm not even 1st choice. Don't overreact. I'm single, always have been and have never really had friends. You are just too use to the friend thing.

[Anonymous]

I can 100% guarantee you if that asshole demi's name is ever brought up in any conversation i either get filled with rage or want to vomit and hurl chunks at the thought of that lowlife backstabbing cheating asshole. As for any other exs depends on who it is

[Gaylordslav]

No I've never been attractive cool or masculine enough to be a 1st choice , my only experience with a women came by when the guy she wanted rejected her so and basically fell into my lap that was 13yrs ago

[Aakash_Hangargi]

Not terrified , but yes I have always been may be a third or fourth choice..

People only turn to me as first choice in their sadness or need some moral support

[molonski2]

I really believe you are over thinking the entire scenario.

[Anonymous]

friends cannot be more important than your partner , who’s building a future with u , and is going to be the mother of your children. And you are not at all wrong wanting to be prioritised. You deserve to feel chosen without asking every time

[Staximus]

Don't be a fucking ding dong and buy a house with a guy before he has married you, and don't marry him before you have lived together for at least a year. Use your brain.

[glennos89]

If you're in a relationship your friends shouldn't be at nr 1

[TonyMetal___86]

I will never be a spare for someone else because wheb i love someone, they will be unique, there will be no numbers, she will be the only one!

[dragoblack]

Second choice? I'm not even a choice

[Bloodparadise]

True.. wish I had a virgin boyfriend

[beefcakebradybatson]

H**L to the NO as long as I club her !!!

[Anonymous]

Nah, I'm never anyone's choice.

[In_Trance]

Nope

[cavedweller1973]

I’m not sorry