How do I deal with not being anyone's favorite person/being the last choice?

[Anonymous]

I feel like I'm the last choice. Today my uncle and cousins visited, and my uncle said hi to everyone, gave my sister a big hug and then said hello to me at last. (When he had said hi to all my 9 family members, I was last) And last time he visited he said he didn't even notice I was here even though I was in the same room as him with all the others. And my cousins won't even say hi, they come to my siblings and scream and shout out of happiness, and when I say hi they don't respond. And my uncle is talking to my sister right now even though she's a pretty quiet person.

My siblings don't hate me but they don't favour me either. I'm the eldest out of 7 children, and I'm the least favorite to my siblings. My younger siblings don't like me but don't hate me. But my sister who is a year younger than me they absolutely love.

I just feel like I'm the last choice all the time or that I'm invisible. My parents are great but everyone else seems to pretend I'm not there.

My grandpa likes my sister a lot as well. Compliments her, talks to her and me, I'm invisible.

I'm invisible to everyone, strangers, siblings, uncle's and aunts, cousins, grandparents, etc. I feel so alone although I have a big family.

[SnowedIn]

This is such a great question. I'm really sorry this is going on in your life -- it sucks. And that's okay. Your feelings are valid.

I won't try to guess the "why" for your situation. It's different in every family group but this is similar. (My oldest son came to his mom and me and pointed this out, so you're not alone.) I will say that it happens a lot for oldest children. That doesn't make it right or any more understandable, but I want you to know you're not alone in what you experience.

I want to draw a distinction between what you're experiencing and the words you used in the title of your question: "being the least favorite/being the last choice". Your feelings are valid -- no question about that. That said, you aren't necessarily the least favorite or picked last by choice or out of spite or malice. In no way am I minimizing that it sucks and hurts but just to share that it may not be a case of who is more favorite than the other, just that that's the order it ended up in in whatever the situation is.

To your question of how you deal with it. There's a bunch of things. If it bothers you enough, I'd find a time and talk with one of your parents calmly, unemotionally, and not accusatorily. Just say, "hey, this really bothers me. Maybe it isn't deliberate or a conscious choice, but it hurts." One of their jobs is to minimize hurt for you and to manage family interactions such that this stuff is as infrequent as possible. Another possibility is to be as assertive as possible. Be the first at ___________ (whatever the thing is) -- give whoever no chance not to recognize you first. One thing I used to do is just not be in that situation. I'd back out or not show up. My parents asked why and I told them. Things changed somewhat but that way it was my choice.

Finally, though, here's what I implore you to internalize: whether favorite or not, whether first choice or not, there actions don't define who you are or your worth or your value to yourself, your family, and other people. I beg you to adopt that thinking -- and it is terribly terribly hard to do so. Wanting the validation from our family is so important and your feelings are valid. At the same time, start to examine yourself and identify the things you love about you. Praise yourself for them. There's your value. And before you tell me there's nothing good about you, that's not true. Sure, we all have things we can improve and challenges to overcome and weaknesses to conquer, but we all also have strengths and super powers and stuff to be proud of. Find those things and celebrate that part of you. And... find the things in your day and in your life that bring you happiness and joy. A cup of great coffee. A cold soda. A walk. A certain flower. Clouds that look like hamburgers. Whatever. Identify those things and do/take/observe those things -- they're yours and no one can take them away from you (except for the cold soda when my kids don't fill the refrigerator, but that's another story... ;) ).

Keep your chin up and know that you're awesome.

Best wishes!

[Mynameisbobby]

I totally understand how this feels 😢 I felt like this with my immediate family I grew up with an older sister who absolutely hated me and so did my mother. My sister got all the attention from my mother and in my mother's eyes she could never do anything wrong. I send you hugs!!

[Guy13]

Living under the Eldest Sister "Mom" rule is not easy and apparently #2 Sister does it well and the young ones are learning from her...

[Asker]

My younger sister by one year is a greater "second mom" than me for sure. She's also funny, beautiful and smart.

[Guy13]

You got me then...

[Asker]

What do you mean? I don't get it.

[Guy13]

Large families Eldest are usually leader. If not the case then i do not know why they dislike you. What do you think? Your guess?

[In_Trance]

is that you in the picture

[Asker]

No it's not, it's just some random girl I found on Google.