Would you prefer a partner who is brutally honest 100% of the time, or one who tells gentle, well-intentioned lies to protect your feelings?

[HawkPerception]

Let's say you've put on more than a few pounds and your partner lets you know that you've gained weight and finds it unappealing. Do you appreciate their honesty and try to change, or are you offended by it?

(That's just one example)

Updates

1 mo

Just because someone is brutally honest, does not make them rude or mean. It just means they say it how it is. You can be brutally honest, yet tactful

Updates

1 mo

Not at all surprised the guys mostly said they wanted brutal honesty and the girls felt like they'd be offended by it.

[ShellyB]

Well I see you edited to say that you can be brutally honest yet tactful, but, it’s hard for me to imagine someone being brutally honest and tactful at the same time. I might have a different answer if you had just said “very honest” instead of brutally honest.

With that in mind, I would rather not be w someone whose normal way of communicating is that they choose to be “brutally honest.” I think even though that may be well intentioned, it’s like a persona where maybe they feel like they are contributing if they say unpleasant things that may not really matter much. For example if he didn’t like the top I wore that day and he just blurted out “I don’t like your top” what would be the point of that? That is what I think of when I think of “brutally honest.”

Meanwhile it is normal for people to tell white lies for all kinds of reasons, basically they don’t hurt anything and they make people feel better. So for example even if I don’t totally believe him, I’d rather he said my top looks nice in this example. That kind of white lie doesn’t REALLY deceive people in any harmful way and the fact that someone is TRYING to make you feel good matters even if it is a white lie.

JMO!

[FreyaRed]

I'm fan of brutal honesty, even if I use the sweet bonbon to bitter pill tactic often by people who don't like blunt sincerity.
In your example I would instantly write an ozempic prescription for myself and run to fitness club faster than light to lose my fat butt. It's rather matter of self-criticism than how other sell you some opinions.

[HawkPerception]

Love it!

[Summeroflove]

I would take being honest over lying… at least if someone’s telling the truth in certain cases we can break off the relationship if it’s never going to work or fix problems.

People who lie are disingenuous and many times there is darker reasons people are lying. Such as faking even being attracted to you all together because they want something out of you. It’s not about protecting you 99 percent of the time. That’s just another lie they tell when they get caught.

I am not saying… someone who says things in a way that’s mean or being a asshole intentionally. But at least if someone did that I would know their true colors…

Sure, there are people that tell well intended lies. That causes more damage down the road and a lot of times resentment on their part. Until that boils over and you don’t even know why they’re mad.

But more times then not… those lies aren’t to protect you. And when they tell you they are once they get caught… That is just another lie they're telling.

[Cidknee]

No lies! Slay me with the truth!!

[Rei13]

I don’t want a partner, or a friend, that is brutally honest 100% of the time since I associate that with someone who is cruel. Personally I would prefer someone that is honest but says it in a kind way.

In your example, if your partner gained weight, it is okay to acknowledge that but rather than tell them you find them unappealing (which is mean) maybe instead sign up for a class together so that they lose the weight and you’re doing an activity together. Also make adjustments to what you’re both eating.

[AviatorTom]

Don't try to protect my feelings. It's probably something I'm going to find out eventually anyway. I can be tough when needed, and cry when it makes sense.

[HawkPerception]

Well said

[Purpleronnie]

I don’t need to choose either fortunately because it’s never binary is it , not black and white … it’s a spectrum..


There is simply no need for “brutal” honesty in a partner just “honesty” clearly and concisely communicated and understood perfectly and the trust that they are not ‘massaging the truth’ or telling half a “lie” on purpose and that’s the thing.. it’s the clarity of communication “AND” understanding and whether the mis-information was intentional.


I need reciprocal honesty , or mutually agreed honesty with my partner but I’m not naive enough to think that means “absolute” or “radical” and no partner deserves honesty with a side order of brutality, that would signify the end of a relationship for me


in my opinion , couples need to agree on where there is a need for full transparency, that’s a simple boundary.. agree on that at least.


The benevolence of ‘white’ lies always seems to make an appearance, the occassional fib to protect someone feelings , to maintain harmony and as much as some may think they need 💯 truth ALL THE TIME ! , try it out for a month.. then see how you feel 😂😂😂😂

[Crimsyjo]

You can be honest but not brutal.

Brutal is cruel and I don't want a cruel partner. I'd be offended.

Taking your scenario I think it's kinder to try increase activities, decrease treats, talk about getting healthy and fit first before laying it on about weight and attraction.

[Crimsyjo]

In response to your update - the word brutal is by its very definition "harsh and unpleasant".
To be completely honest or directly honest is very different to brutally honest...

And tactful is the opposite of brutal lol

[HawkPerception]

So in the example I gave, would you say that's something you can't handle?

[Crimsyjo]

I'd be offended yes. Even if I know it is an issue (putting on weight) and agree. Because to say he isn't attracted to me because of it hits my self esteem and confidence and maybe triggers depression. All things that say willpower smd strength. As well as the enormous pressure of "I have to look a certain away or I'm not good enough" or "he will leave". That's unfair. And damaging. And someone who loves you won't want that. But if he says positive things about doing things together, hey let's go hiking, let's join a dance class, let's go gym together? I'm feeling sluggish from all the take ours we having. Do you think we should try be healthier? All those things offer bonding, togetherness, positive things. Because most people know they put on weight and already feel bad about it. So encouragement and a non shaming way to tackle it is much kinder.

[Crimsyjo]

*sap willpower and strength

[PeachyPie93]

I would prefer a partner who loves me more than himself lol Since I was with my partner who was skinny and I still was into him when he got fatter.. but I guess I would want a partner who is honest so we could go our separate ways if he isn't attracted to me anymore.

[RandomGirl42]

What exactly do u mean more than a few pounds? Do I have a fat ass, is that you're saying? Are u calling me a Miss-fuckin'-piggy or something? Do I look like Porkahontas to u now, is that it? So what I got into the Christmas candy a little fuckin' early! You don't have to be all , "Oh look, my partner is a big, fat, cow so now I'm gonna' post about her on social media", about it! You could've just told me I was fuckin' pretty!

[MyFreckledEwok]

Honesty is a core value, so brutal honesty. I may need to take a step back and let myself sit in the discomfort of what I'm hearing, the way I'm hearing it, but that's easier than the rumination of being with liars.

[HawkPerception]

Love it. Well said.

[YourExLover69]

Honesty and loyalty is what I want in my partner for serious longer term relationship. That matters the most. Currently I'm single 😊

[Miristheiss]

One who speaks the truth but speaks the truth with love.

[NervousIndividual]

I feel like these are two extremes. An alternate approach is to have frank and loving consultation; that is, each partner should express love, patience, sincerity, be in a state of mindfulness, detachment, and humility, weigh one's own opinions with calmness and composure, and then freely express his/her own view to the other. One can be frank and discerning without using criticism, and one can express love without hiding his/her intricate feelings, or lying.

[Alex-Snow]

A good relationship involves honesty and trust

[Finchie40]

The honest one for sure

[purplepoppy]

Someone who is tactful. People who tell brutal truths never do it for the recipient they do it because they enjoy hurting.

[Crankor]

Brutally honest. I would appreciate them much more from that than avoiding issues

[RxR0954]

Honestly dating an unfiltered person is exhausting, been there and that just made my anger issues worse lol

[Batsy01010101]

Why because you don't like accountability for your actions

[RxR0954]

lmfao being unfiltered here doesn’t mean being assertive. It could mean being an asshole and telling your partner you prefer her without makeup cuz of the “natural look”

[Batsy01010101]

That's where you're wrong i don't care either way if she wears makeup or not

[RxR0954]

dude i didn’t even specifically talk about you

[HawkPerception]

@RxR0954 Just wondering, how does preferring you without makeup = being an asshole?

[RxR0954]

Alright since you could take this personally as a man, i’ll get one thing out of the way: i date women and women say shit like this too. It’s not only being unappreciative it’s also misogynistic to tell women (or people who wear makeup in general) on what you prefer them to have on their face. It’s also an ass move to tell women that you prefer them with makeup on. The best way to answer this is to just say they look good either with makeup on or off and show your appreciation for both.

[HawkPerception]

@RxR0954 I don't think you have the correct definition of misogynistic and I encourage you not to be one of those women who tosses it around casually. A misogynist is a person who dislikes, despises, or is strongly prejudiced against women.

A man stating his preference in terms of appearance does not make him misogynistic. And if anything, the woman should be flattered that he prefers her natural facial features to all the fake stuff she puts on to cover them.

Do you believe it's also misogynistic to prefer fit women?

[RxR0954]

I meant by the tone is misogynistic, and people who don’t want to sound misogynistic would pay attention to the undertone and the history of what was said. I’m not gonna convince you or further dive into why it has a misogynistic undertone. We have all said shitty things, and a lot of them have all the icky undertones, we just don’t recognize it because a lot of things aren’t interesting enough for us to try to understand it

[Batsy01010101]

Just admit you're wrong.. oh wait you're a woman so obviously you can't because women don't take accountability for their actions

[RxR0954]

Sure sure Batsy, as if you do lol

[whiskeyontherocks]

Would prefer kind hearted 100% honesty
But if that’s not a option roast me lol

[AngryCarl2]

Brutally honest. Like me!

[Jennz6]

I want to know the truth

[Jennz6]

@HawkPerception
And don’t whip me

[Vevv123]

100% honest

[fish5505_87]

A little of both!!!

[Batsy01010101]

Gentle truth