Is it a red flag when the woman never messages me first (but always responds when I message)?

[Anonymous]

I’ve started to get to know a young woman who I met a social gathering a few weeks ago. It’s been friendly / playful but I straight up told her at one point I was interested.

That should be obvious to women when a man approaches them and gets their number. But some women still naively like to fall back on “oh I didn’t know you felt that way” (translation: I thought you were sucker enough for the friend zone). Don’t want to waste my time and I don’t want to leave any room for doubt.

She kept talking to me after I said that (good sign). I went back to keeping things light and funny. I never mentioned anything sexual.

Although she always responds to my messages but she never messages me first. That’s got me nervous.

She did recently break her leg in a skiing accident. She said she wanted to wait a few weeks until she is able to walk again to meet up in person. I’ve been supportive about giving her advice for mental health. I know what it’s like to be injured and not being able to walk. It can really screw with you mentally when you aren’t mobile

Her situation is understandable. But still her never messaging me first can be a very bad sign. Besides making texting her Merry Christmas I am thinking of going radio silent on her. I don’t want her getting to comfortable with the “virtual buddy” bs. I’ve seen this happen with other women in the past.

Thoughts?

Updates

12 d

I’ve decided that I’m going to go radio silent. I might send her a simple “Merry Christmas” in the next few weeks but nothing else.

I think I’m just disappointed. I got a very busy life (two jobs) and have little time to date / socialize. So I was hoping this prospect could lead to something. But I know it’s a really bad idea to over pursue.

Anyway she knows where I stand. I made that clear. So if I don’t hear back from her then I got my answer. But if she does reach out then maybe.

Updates

12 d

And honestly for your ladies saying “I never message guys first”. Ah I can understand that in the very early stages of dating. But it’s NOT okay to have that expectation after you have gotten to know a guy. Not in 2025

More often than not you just see him as quick validation but don’t have any real respect / romantic interest for him.

Just (politely) straight up with guys in this scenario. Tell him you appreciate his efforts but out of respect he needs to know you are not interested.

[HollyK21]

So what was her response when you straight up told her you were interested? Because when you follow that up with statements like:

“That should be obvious to women when a man approaches them and gets their number.”

“Don’t want to waste my time and I don’t want to leave any room for doubt.”

“I don’t want her getting too comfortable with the “virtual buddy” bs.”

It then sounds like she either rejected you or never gave you a clear answer. In any case, I believe that actions speak louder than words, so if she isn’t mutually reaching out/making effort then I don’t think she’s interested in pursuing the same thing that you are. She could enjoy the attention or just doesn’t want to be mean/rude by not responding because you seem like a nice guy and she doesn’t wanna hurt your feelings. If you believe that you’re someone who wants to act in their own best interest, then part of that means knowing when it’s time to leave a situation alone.

What you’re thinking of doing (going radio silent with the intention of reaching out on Christmas) is basically playing games and to me that’s just utterly unnecessary. You’ve only known her a handful of weeks, you should be fully capable of washing your hands of this situation that doesn’t seem to have a silver lining.

[Asker]

If she just wants the attention and validation I want absolutely nothing to with that. I’ve wasted plenty of time and got my hopes up way too much in the past.

There is a reason I told straight up told her I was interested (politely). It becuase I want my time and effort respected. Doesn’t mean I’m demanding or rude. But again it’s a respect issue.

Anyway I’ve decided to go radio silent. Might message her “Merry Christmas” but that’s it. If she never reached out then I got my answer.

[HollyK21]

What did she say when you told her you were interested?

[Asker]

Well she recently broke her leg and needed time to recover. It’s true because she put up an IG story about it. I joked around with her that “well a girl using a crutch would look hot on a first date”. But then said I totally understand her situation.

Then I had two short conversations with her later (I initiated) giving her advice about taking vitamin D (she’s been indoors a lot).

Anyway I get the situation. I was being friendly and supportive. But hurt or not the fact she has never texted me first is making me uneasy.

So again I’ll go radio silent. If she’s at least semi interested she’ll message. I already did my part. Ball is in her court now

[Asker]

Also I wouldn’t mind slowly getting to know someone. Actually I would like the friendly yet romantic connection. But it’s imperative I know she’s at least semi interested. Need to know if I hav a chance or not.

I’ve had way too many women in past exploit that. Far too many. Many women don’t have any idea just how insulting it is when they “play dumb” just because they want validation and attention. I HATE that. Hate it.

So I need to be careful who I invest my time / hopes in vs who to avoid.

[HollyK21]

I definitely agree, the game playing is more than just insulting, it’s exhausting. Before I met who I’m engaged to now, I got to a place where I was just very no-bs about my time and who I invested it in. I knew I wanted something serious, so that was an important page for me and a guy to both be on before even considering giving them a chance.

I really think you’ve got to have that same energy. Going radio silent only works if you intend on being done with the person. In your case it just sounds like some sort of test since you intend on wishing her a merry Christmas, aka leaving room for possibility. I think in your mind, sending that message would be your efforts to test the waters, see how her leg is, maybe try to reschedule the date. I personally wouldn’t have that in my plans. The only sensible thing would be going silent because you’re over it and putting the ball in her court, because that’s really where it should be. The effort needs to be mutual and since you’ve been the initiator, it’s her turn.

Getting to know someone slowly is always the best move, but to do so with intention behind it. For me, if I asked a guy what his intentions were for talking to me (yes I was that blunt in my late 20s at least lol), any response that carried uncertainty was not worth my time. If he said he wanted to have a relationship one day then I’d give him a chance, because then we’re actually working towards something vs hanging in limbo. I’ve “gone with the flow” several times in the past, not asking the right questions, worried about coming off too strong or chasing someone away. Now I realize that the things I was most insecure about putting a guy off were the exact same things that came with getting serious. I think the same could be said for women.

[Asker]

Women need to understand that a man’s time, effort, money, courage and patience are not an unlimited resource.

I already stuck my neck out approaching her. Not because I enjoyed doing that. Many women falsely believe that men enjoy approaching women and the truth is most of us don’t. It’s usually the aggressive trashy guys who “enjoy”approaching women. Also nowadays it’s far more risky and confusing (thanks a lot metoo). But I know most women still want that. Shows that guy has “confidence”.

Fortunately she was receptive. So she saw something in me. But she’s obviously not head over heels either.

But I just want my position to be respected. I won’t go psycho if she says “thanks but no thanks”. But I got a bad feeling it’s more about validation for her. You women like to say “go slow” but some women use that as an excuse to have an “orbiter” for validation.

Anyway she has never DM’d me first yet and we had at least 6 or 7 conversations. If she sees something she will reach out at this point. If she doesn’t then I know where I stand.

[Noredcarpet]

At this point it should be mutual so I get it that you feel let down. As shy as I could get and passive in the beginning of something I did make up for it later, it needs to be this way for a healthy loving relationship. If I did slip, missed something to then discover I had I right away apologized. I understand from my ex past love life and my partners past that you guys are on the alert on signs such as what just happened to you and I understand that 100%. I have understood why my ex, partner got defensive, suspiscious because of previous experiences. I hope it all works out for you so that you too get to experience what it should be like, mutual :)

[Finchie40]

Yes it is especially after you broke the ice with her and told her how you were interested in her , so by her not messaging first is a sign she really isn’t that interested in you but doesn’t want to hurt your feelings , so she is just being polite. So if I was
You , I would stop texting her and move on , if she reaches out to you then that’s up to
You whether you want to give her a chance or not , but when a girl really likes you, she doesn’t hesitate to reach out to you first , so that’s the best kind of girl to show interest in because she clearly likes you if she is messaging you or calling you on a steady basis , the ones that do not? Are just weighing their options which is making you not her top priority , she probably has other guys’ she is putting over you. Don’t fall for that shit whatsoever

[RavVid]

I'd take a lighter hand on the bridle. What annoys me is very short or emjoi messages in return back

You don't say how many times you have been texting. Maybe it's a lot and it might be sensible to cut down. You are being highly available and that lowers your value in her eyes.

I don't think it is necessarily that sensible to jump to radio silence. You mostly want

I'd be inclined to push for an earlier date. People do go out with broken legs and you could find a non-challenging place

[Asker]

She hasn’t been giving me own word responses. She engages. But overall her responses aren’t as long as mine.

But no I am not too available. I’ve intentionally spread out my DMs to her to be only once a week if that. Last time I DM’d her was last Wednesday and before that at least a week went

I hate that game but I know exactly what you are talking about when it comes to being “too available”.

To be far this can have a psychological impact on men was well if women are too available. But women are much worse quickly lowering a guy’s value. Much quicker at applying the “desperate” label. So I get it.

[RavVid]

Thanks for the clarification. Maybe you should push for clarification from her as to whether she has interest in you. In the intervening I have thought that if she was highly interested in you she would probably suggested meeting. People do get around with broken legs.

So maybe push a response from her as to interest in you cause you are on hold at the moment. .

[Asker]

She’s legitimately got a broken leg and can’t walk without crutches. So I’m going to cut her (some) slack because she feels self conscious about it.

But she did text me first for the first time yesterday. But her messaging was short.

[RavVid]

I see people going to cafes with crutches in my street quite routinely however. In fact a girl went to a restaurant with me in crutches but I had known her for quite some time.

It is a girl thing to not want to look bad so I guess it could be that.

Glad for you she has initiated messaging. It is a step forward.

[AI Opinion]

My aim at Girls Ask Guys is to spice up your romantic journey and help you decode those tricky signals. 🎉 So, let's unravel this mystery. The fact that she's chatting with you and responding to your messages, especially while she's healing from an injury, is definitely a positive sign. But yeah, it's true that her never initiating could be a potential red flag. 🚩

To avoid falling into the dreaded "friend zone," make sure your intentions are clear and don't hesitate to suggest light, non-pressuring dates post-recovery. Leave some mystery by pausing your texting spree; it might spark her curiosity or make her realize she's missing your presence a bit more! 😉

[MzAsh]

She can likely tell you’re playing games.

[Zionne]

It sounds like you’re balancing genuine care with wanting to gauge her interest, and her lack of initiating contact is a fair signal to pay attention to. Giving her space while keeping interactions light, confident, and value-driven is smart; it avoids the “virtual buddy” trap and shows you’re not desperate. If you want a structured approach to reading signals, escalating naturally, and making women like her pursue you too, Jared’s dating program is built for exactly this, it teaches how to maintain attraction while staying patient and high-value.

[Bitter_Sweet94]

It depends on the context.

Some women don’t message first because they’re shy, cautious, or don’t want to come off too eager.

Some just mirror the effort they’re given.

And some simply aren’t that invested.

The real sign isn’t whether she texts first , it’s the quality of her replies, her consistency, and whether she engages with you.

If she’s present in the conversation, you’re not being ignored.

If you’re doing all the emotional lifting, that’s when it becomes a red flag.

[Asker]

She texted me first for the first time yesterday. But she was very short in her messaging. So you might have a point there.

I’m going to cut her (some) slack given she’s recovering from a bad injury. I know that can mess with your head not being able to walk.

But if she keeps on being short then I might just have to pass this one up. I am not going to ask her out on a date unless she shows some more engagement/promise.

[Bitter_Sweet94]

That’s a fair read.

Injuries can drain someone’s energy and make them quieter than usual, so giving her a little space is reasonable.

Just pay attention to the pattern, not the moment.

One short day of texting means nothing, but if the effort stays one sided even after she’s feeling better, then you’ll have your answer.

Interest always reveals itself eventually, you won’t have to guess.

[Asker]

I just got to set my expectations properly. She did have my hopes up for a moment. But I am ready to walk if need be.

Truth is I am busy af and don’t have all the time in the world to socialize (and stick my neck out more). But she being a young attractive woman has a much bigger network and more options then I do. So unless I standout to her somehow she can walk away at any minute.

But I really wish women would be more (politely) straight up vs selfish (out of fear or worse wanting validation) when they aren’t interested.

Yeah I would be disappointed and even temporarily angry if she told me she wasn’t interested in dating. But I’m mature enough to accept rejection. Just because you hear about crazy violent stalker men in the news doesn’t mean all men are like that. Vast majority of men can handle rejection just as long as it’s done respectfully.

[Asker]

She just texted me “can I be honest about something” after waiting a day to respond to my last text (my last message wasn’t a question. Just told her where I was at on a short trip I took last week).

I decided to wait to tomorrow morning to respond. Match her pace. And I’m also bracing for her to say something I am not going to like to hear e. g. “can we just be friends”.

[Bitter_Sweet94]

That’s a healthy way to approach it.

You’re right, setting expectations protects your time and energy.

Being busy doesn’t mean you’re less valuable, it just means you’re selective.

And I agree with you about honesty.

Clear, respectful communication saves everyone confusion and resentment.

Most adults can handle a straightforward “I’m not interested,” even if it stings for a moment.

Waiting and matching her pace makes sense.

Whatever she says, at least you’ll have clarity instead of guessing.

And clarity is always better than mixed signals.

[Asker]

This funny and shocking. She texted me “I’ve been really morning lately”. 😆. Seriously that’s what she said.

I didn’t jump on it. I kidded around with “well what are you gong to do about it 🤔”. Even if she was asking me to “help out” I couldn’t at that moment given I am getting over a bad cold.

But anyway that was last thing I expected her to say.

[Bitter_Sweet94]

That actually tells you something important.

She felt comfortable enough to be honest and a little playful, instead of disappearing or giving a vague excuse.

Your response kept it flirty without overcommitting, which was the right move.

Now just keep doing what you’re already doing, don’t overinterpret one message.

Let her show consistency over time.

If there’s interest, it’ll keep unfolding naturally.

No need to rush it, especially while you’re recovering.

Pace and clarity are still on your side.

[Asker]

Unfortunately she blindsided me with a long rant about radical politics a few days ago. I tried to stay calm but she doubled down on it. It was brought up with zero provocation and I never once alluded to my political standings.

Honestly that’s a dealbreaker for me. And it’s not even about politics but the fact she would go on a unprovoked rant with someone she just starting to get to know says a lot about her mental health.

[Sunshinelips]

Two reasons she may not message first…


One: she isn’t interested in you in that way but she’s a polite, friendly woman and she won’t ignore anyone.
Two: she doesn’t like messaging anyone first unless she has something to say. I’m like this at times. I much prefer the guy to message me first because I’m in that “men are the chasers” mindset. If a man messages first, it shows he’s interested, he likes us and wants to talk to us. But I do understand that men might think that way too lol.

[JesseP1nk]

How old is she? If she's in her 20s then she still might have that "im a boss-bitch, i dont need no man" vibe. But yeah if you told her about your feeling and she is still corps cold and never message first i would bail.

[Asker]

Mid 20s. She knows my age. But you are exactly right about the age factoring into it. Single women in their 20s can be horrible unless they have a thing for you first.

But I’ve met women in their 30s who can be just as bad.

[JesseP1nk]

Women in 20s are hot and cold (i dont know if its because of hormones?) So you have to understand that they will be that moody during relationship also. Something to consider, because its not gonna be smooth sailing.

[Nikki1989]

Messaging alone is a red flag. It is astounding people still don't get it.

[Anonymous]

I never message a guy unless he's my boyfriend already.

[Anonymous]

It's a bit unusual, but not necessarily red flag.

[beenherebefore]

No, I don’t think so.

[guesswhereivebeen]

Not really… chicks like to be chased…