Is "Avoidant Mentality" fake justification for poor behavior?

[DishLady]

I was researching a little in response to a different question about folks who "flake" or "ghost" or whatever you want to call the hot-and-cold game some folks like to play. I've always dismissed it as "this guy's a jerk" or "this gal's wasting your time" but now there's a clinical term to justify poor behavior -- "Avoidant Mentality"... meaning the poor schlub who is ghosting etc is "not doing it intentionally" though it looks, feels and sounds intentional... "they're trapped in a cycle caused by the traumatic past in which they learned that if they ask for care they won't get it."

On the one hand, I'm an understanding person. I know some people have faced trauma and have a hard time trusting, but this isn't what's being explained. "Avoidant Mentality" is being used as a carte blanche for mistreatment of others -- wasting time, wasting mental and emotional space, etc. etc. etc. It's next-level gaslighting bc later the person comes back and wonders why you're not ok...

It's more than just "ghosting" -- it's cyclical toxic gaslighting... next-level functional dysfunction. Folks are trying to normalize it, which is scary.

Bottom line is we all go through hell at some point in our lives... someone broke up with you in the past? Get in line! You're not the only one on the planet who has suffered. It's no reason to drag good people into a spiraling vortex.

We all have our low moments -- Lord knows I've had mine -- but it's not ok to make someone feel like they're "your person" one moment then play the "avoidant" card as an excuse for your dysfunction.

[MicahRaine]

Avoidant mental issues are a real thing, but they shouldn’t be an excuse.

I’ve talked a bit on this platform about having some light trauma, and I have some avoidant/dissociative issues and instincts. Like I’ll be hanging out with my favorite people in the world and just feel myself shutting down and wanting to hide away in my own world. But I don’t, I just push through it and continue to interact with people. And I’ve always felt better for it.

So yes, it’s real. No, it’s not justification for poor behavior.

[Bitter_Sweet94]

Sometimes, yes but not always.

“Avoidant mentality” is a real attachment pattern.

It explains why someone struggles with closeness, vulnerability, or conflict.

What it does not do is excuse behavior.


Avoidance can explain,

* pulling away when things get real

* needing space to regulate

* discomfort with emotional intensity


It does not justify,

* ghosting

* mixed signals

* lack of accountability

* consistently hurting people and calling it “how I am”


Healthy adults still take responsibility for how their patterns affect others.

So when someone uses “I’m avoidant” to dodge conversations, empathy, or repair that’s not self awareness, that’s deflection.

Insight without effort is just a label.

Growth is what turns understanding into change.

[WhitneySnow]

It’s like using antisocial personality disorder to justify being a horrible person. I agree with you.

[BonzoInBitburg]

Avoidant mentality is real. I was dating someone for almost a year and a half and we decided we were going to go on a 3 week vacation. That's when things got real for her and she broke up with me 3 days in. Then we were back together 24 hours later. Then she broke up again 24 hours after that. Found out later that her dad was an alcoholic and she rarely saw him sober. Her mom would leave for weeks at a time. The entire family needed therapy. It doesn't show up until things get serious.

[OlderAndWiser]

There is s common mentality that if you put a label on someone’s behavior, it relieves them of responsibility. “They can’t help it; they have an avoidant personality.” I say bullshit!

[Staximus]

It might be psychological conditioning from childhood trauma which may have been caused by getting beaten when they said something their parents didn't like, fear of confrontation, or they're just shitty people

[DishLady]

The research equates it to childhood abandonment issues. The person then grows up abandoning everyone in their lives.

[DishLady]

Ironically, walking away from them is the thing that makes them want you and giving them attention turns them off. So they're just mentally damaged.

[Spencer10]

I find that people seem... some people anyway... seem to use all kinds of excuses for poor behavior. This is just another to add to the list.