Is it normal for my boyfriend to defend a coworker who bullies me?

[seyan20052005]

There is a woman at my workplace. Since I started this new job, she has been verbally teasing or provoking me. I’ve told my partner about many of these incidents.
Today, I shared one of my achievements on WhatsApp. While talking to my partner, I said, “Now that woman will probably see it and get jealous.” He replied, “Why? What does that have to do with anything? Didn’t she earn this certificate?” I said, “No, maybe she’s ignorant.” Then he said, “Why are you calling people ignorant?” As the argument continued, he also said, “Why do you think she’s jealous of you? When she shares something, do you get jealous?”
I replied, “I don’t know how educated or knowledgeable she is, and I’m not even sure whether she’s jealous of me or not, but it feels strange that you’re defending her.” Then he said, “I’m just trying to understand.”
Do you think his reaction is normal? He doesn’t know that woman; he has only seen her photo. But that woman is also well-groomed, and her looks are average.

[Smart_Monk]

What were those "teasing"?

You seem to be teased by you boyfriend trying to help, too.

What did you expect him to do? Say "forget your coworker"? But then you would complain that he is telling you to push your own concerns down. ㅤ

[seyan20052005]

I think him saying “Why would she be jealous of you?” is normal. But afterward, saying “Do you get jealous when she posts something?” wasn’t normal.

Maybe she actually isn’t jealous — it was just something I said while talking with my boyfriend. There was no need to ask, “Do you get jealous when she posts something?”

In the end, I’m the one who feels like she’s trying to exclude me and that she sounds jealous in the way she talks.

[ohsheeT]

I like this question for a couple different reasons and I've kind of done the same thing before then the relationship and it wasn't so much that I was defending I was trying to project to hear yourself why are you acting this way towards somebody that you don't even know and it sounds like you're jealous why don't you try to become her friend or say something nice just because he trying to teach you something and it's just coming across the wrong way I think

Now the other thing is Is that you feel things so Just because I said that doesn't mean I'm right You also feel things for for different reasons And he has to understand that you have that right to feel what you feel and if it's a subliminal or a subconscious feeling you have to go with it you have to ask the questions because it means something so don't ever change your ways that way I mean be that person but

I shouldn't even answer this question because I don't know your boyfriend so I don't know what he was trying to do I just read the question and I could see me in the picture because I have done that before but it wasn't for anything bad it was like wait a minute how can you even say this why are you judging this person you don't even know why you going there you know and I didn't even know the person I just I hate people that talk about other people is what it is I hate people to judge people is what it is and I really hate people that judge people that they don't even know

So I'm going to say you have the right to do what you want especially if you feel something because you have to be true to yourself but maybe you have to say it in different ways but don't ever stop believing in yourself that's for sure

[ohsheeT]

Oh wait a minute wait wait wait wait I ran into this question a couple more times and I said something's missing I'm missing something no if a girl is bullying you your boyfriend should talk to you about it and then he should go have a little talk with her if that's okay with you but you don't defend anybody that is hurting harming bullying disrespecting their girlfriend or their friend even though he needs to wake up she is bullying you she is making you feel awkward it's not right he needs to do something and if he doesn't you need to walk away

[Taurus_Woman]

Yes, it can be normal. He’s questioning assumptions and trying to be fair rather than automatically agreeing she is jealous or “ignorant.”

The issue is more about communication mismatch:

You want emotional support.

He is responding logically and critically.

Not necessarily a red flag, just different styles.

[DishLady]

I think you're making a bog deal out of some dumb girl who your man is now going to think about and remember ONLY BC you made a fuss about her.

He IS just trying to understand. He doesn't get why this is triggering you.

[seyan20052005]

I think him saying “Why would she be jealous of you?” is normal. But afterward, saying “Do you get jealous when she posts something?” wasn’t normal.

Maybe she actually isn’t jealous — it was just something I said while talking with my boyfriend. There was no need to ask, “Do you get jealous when she posts something?”

In the end, I’m the one who feels like she’s trying to exclude me and that she sounds jealous in the way she talks.

[DishLady]

He’s picking at your anxiety. Fishing for triggers. Don’t let him. Playing the dopey/clueless innocent is a common thing for many, many guys.

[AI Opinion]

My aim on GAG is to help you decode relationship dynamics so you don’t mistake red flags for normal rainbows 💋

Your boyfriend’s reaction is… not great. When your partner knows someone bullies you, their job is emotional backup, not devil’s advocate. He could calm you without defending her. His “why are you calling people ignorant” tone-scaling you instead of validating you is dismissive, not supportive. You’re not crazy for feeling weird about it.

[Smart_Monk]

No, the ai bot is enabling the irrational asker.

[Smart_Monk]

The asker just has hormonal stuff going on. Bordering on "toxic".

[Finchie40]

Doesn’t sound like he is defending her whatsoever, how can you defend someone you don’t know? So I feel like he is being honest with you and trying to understand where you are coming from

[seyan20052005]

I think him saying “Why would she be jealous of you?” is normal. But afterward, saying “Do you get jealous when she posts something?” wasn’t normal.

Maybe she actually isn’t jealous — it was just something I said while talking with my boyfriend. There was no need to ask, “Do you get jealous when she posts something?”

In the end, I’m the one who feels like she’s trying to exclude me and that she sounds jealous in the way she talks.

[Finchie40]

Again, it sounds like he is just trying to figure out what you are dealing with , and trying to understand what the issue is , so he can give you a better answer. I tend to do that as well when someone I am close to Is having an issue that I am not a part of. I tend to put myself in their shoes to try to understand and give them better advice on what they are going through. Instead of just giving some random answer or advice that I really don’t know that much detail about. So it sounds like your boyfriend is just trying to be there for you and understand what you are dealing with , , it has nothing to do with him being interested in her , whether he finds her attractive or not , he doesn’t know the girl personally , he is just trying to give you better advice

[RavVid]

I think he probably was trying to understand and not wanting you to be provoked by her.

And then to help you see a way to not let the bitch get under your skin which she seems to be doing.

He might not have been doing this in away that resonated with you but he was still trying to. Assuming he is around your age, he possibly hasn't developed better skills yet.

I wouldn't want my girl to be aggravated by a bitch at work because your aggravation with the bitch is going to spill over to me to some degree. It sort of has because you have put a question on GAG which is asking if you have a deficient boyfriend.

So the bitch is winning by causing friction in your private life. For whatever reason the bitch is trying to get at you. Most likely because she sees you as competition.

The way you win is to take no notice of what she says to you. Don't fight back by returning fire, she will turn that very neatly against you such that you are the problem at work. How to deal with it is a different question though.

[Purpleronnie]

I think he is objectively trying to understand the situation and so justified in asking questions to help him do that. From my perspective I would act the same way in that situation.


However , for the most part I would be / I am thinking this is such trivial and childish nonsense and need not be reported to a boyfriend or anyone else.



Could it be that you’re just upset because he isn’t ’automatically’ taking your side like you want from a boyfriend? , what would that actually be worth?

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

I think this is a mix of wrong timings, emotional and clumsy reactions clashing together, but not with mean intentions.

Meaning, I believe he reacted negatively about the fact that you expected to trigger jealousy from her. I assume he is trying to tell you that it isn't the right way to manage the case. His mistake, to me, is to tell you that at the wrong moment. Because when he tells you that at the very moment you're sick of this co-worker then it naturally incentivizes you to believe that he is defending her.

I see no defense of her in his speech, I see him proceeding in a clumsy way to convince you that you should focus more on yourself instead of minding others. For your own well-being.

It is clumsy because he did it in a way that make you feel unheard. I think you could try to talk with him about what you face, emotionally, with this co-worker, in order for him to better understand why you're thinking the things you think

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

Also thank you for providing a thorough context, it is precious, to figure out the situation for you both 🙏🏼

[Anonymous]

Well defended someone else is not a bad thing entirely, but if you specifically hate someone, and he hasn't met that person, its natural to defend her.
I can see he is not a yes man, and at least give a chance.

I think you should introduce him to her and let him see for himself that how bad she behaves so that you both and agree with.
If he sees that she is bad. it's good enough.
Exposure therapy.

Also please take it as a compliment, he is a good man definitely, if someone defends someone who hasn't met and defending them is a big sign of being noble.

[seyan20052005]

I think him saying “Why would she be jealous of you?” is normal. But afterward, saying “Do you get jealous when she posts something?” wasn’t normal.

Maybe she actually isn’t jealous — it was just something I said while talking with my boyfriend. There was no need to ask, “Do you get jealous when she posts something?”

In the end, I’m the one who feels like she’s trying to exclude me and that she sounds jealous in the way she talks.

[Opinion Owner]

I have met many people like that, who specifically don't like you. And make it hard to even justify.
But I think just let this slide. It's just something too trivial to even discuss.

[RichardCranium6201]

Well I think it's a matter of how your talking about it to him... does this happen to u a lot, meaning every where u go someone always giving u a hard time? When are u talking to your husband about it? What is it husband doing at the time u tell him... there's a lot of factors involved that are failed to be mention. But if u really want to know what and why's, I need more details to give u a precise answer

[MannMitAntworten]

It does not remotely seem like he was defending he. Rather, more like he was pointing out the absurdity of your comment and in a round about way observing you allow this woman far too much free space in your brain. I doubt he could give two shits about that other woman. Learn indifference.

[RHK36]

You sound like a headache. No one cares about you like that. You don't have enemies accept for the ones you create in your own head. Your boyfriend was trying to get you to the conclusion of telling you to grow up and stop letting people get to you. You won't get along with everyone in this world. No one has control over you except for your own self. If you lack the self awareness to regulate your own emotions then leave your boyfriend so he can find a more mature woman.

[Abbycado]

Alright, sounds like to me that this got blown out of proportion.

[seyan20052005]

I think him saying “Why would she be jealous of you?” is normal. But afterward, saying “Do you get jealous when she posts something?” wasn’t normal.

Maybe she actually isn’t jealous — it was just something I said while talking with my boyfriend. There was no need to ask, “Do you get jealous when she posts something?”

In the end, I’m the one who feels like she’s trying to exclude me and that she sounds jealous in the way she talks.

[Abbycado]

Ya just going to spam this reply to everyone. You obviously don’t want actual opinions and prefer answers that you want to hear.

[bowenw]

It does not really sound like he is defending her, but he should do whatever he can to support and help you deal with her if she is bullying you at work.

[molonski2]

Sorry , I completely agree with him , all very reasonable comments , the actual problem is with YOU.

[seyan20052005]

I think him saying “Why would she be jealous of you?” is normal. But afterward, saying “Do you get jealous when she posts something?” wasn’t normal.

Maybe she actually isn’t jealous — it was just something I said while talking with my boyfriend. There was no need to ask, “Do you get jealous when she posts something?”

In the end, I’m the one who feels like she’s trying to exclude me and that she sounds jealous in the way she talks.

[molonski2]

Ohh , I don't know Seyan , sounds like you are reading far too much into it.

[AgentG111]

You seem to take everything way too personal and from the way you typed this I believe he's asking to understand what you are meaning, if you think she's bullying you aren't you bullying her by saying she's ignorant?

[Anonymous]

He's teasing you

She's teasing you

You just need to find the right place to get support

I'm 60 and I find I'm being teased/wound up by a guy in my job.

But I won't look to my wife for support because she will see that as weakness on my part. And she possibly say it publicly to my family later as further effort to wind me up.
So I know what she's like. So I don't lean on her.

[WhitneySnow]

It’s possible your boyfriend thinks you’re at fault. How has this woman been teasing or provoking you?

[Anonymous]

Your boyfriend is right. Don't create problems where there are none. Remember what you are at work for, a paycheck. Don't make it personal.

[seyan20052005]

I think him saying “Why would she be jealous of you?” is normal. But afterward, saying “Do you get jealous when she posts something?” wasn’t normal.

Maybe she actually isn’t jealous — it was just something I said while talking with my boyfriend. There was no need to ask, “Do you get jealous when she posts something?”

In the end, I’m the one who feels like she’s trying to exclude me and that she sounds jealous in the way she talks.

[Opinion Owner]

Absolutely normal and he's right

[Staximus]

Doesn’t really sound like he’s defending her, it just sounds like you’re being dumb and overdramatic

[Manuelwe]

It is what you done wrong to him or her. You should make sure he has a fact that you do not know or ignoring

[seyan20052005]

I think him saying “Why would she be jealous of you?” is normal. But afterward, saying “Do you get jealous when she posts something?” wasn’t normal.

Maybe she actually isn’t jealous — it was just something I said while talking with my boyfriend. There was no need to ask, “Do you get jealous when she posts something?”

In the end, I’m the one who feels like she’s trying to exclude me and that she sounds jealous in the way she talks.

[been_burned_b4]

Who’s coworker – his or yours? Also, what gender is the bully?

[Godihateyou]

Yes. Woman are stupid. Its very hard to defend them even against coworkers

[Anonymous]

No not normal I can go to the war for defending my girl...
You deserve better

[spartan55]

Doesn't sound like he is defending her.

[seyan20052005]

I think him saying “Why would she be jealous of you?” is normal. But afterward, saying “Do you get jealous when she posts something?” wasn’t normal.

Maybe she actually isn’t jealous — it was just something I said while talking with my boyfriend. There was no need to ask, “Do you get jealous when she posts something?”

In the end, I’m the one who feels like she’s trying to exclude me and that she sounds jealous in the way she talks.

[spartan55]

I still don't understand what you are upset about here. You say she is bullying you but give no details. Then you talk about jealousy and he has no reason to say XYZ, it's all very confusing.

[strateguy632]

that is normal

[slatyb]

No, it's not. Consider replacing him.

[Jen_oic]

No he should not defend her because she is a bully

[seyan20052005]

I think him saying “Why would she be jealous of you?” is normal. But afterward, saying “Do you get jealous when she posts something?” wasn’t normal.

Maybe she actually isn’t jealous — it was just something I said while talking with my boyfriend. There was no need to ask, “Do you get jealous when she posts something?”

In the end, I’m the one who feels like she’s trying to exclude me and that she sounds jealous in the way she talks.

[Cidknee]

No! It sounds like he is avoiding a confrontation.

[Anonymous]

You sound crazy

[harrrykane]

If you doubt him, you should leave.

[Anonymous]

No it's not.

[OasisQuasar888]

He's bad.

[Bykurs10]

Its not normal

[Erron_Black]

never