My boyfriend is loving but also abusive—can he really change?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend is sweet until small things upset him. Then he becomes emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive. Why does this happen?

We’ve been together for years. Most of the time he’s loving, affectionate, talks about marrying me, and can make me feel very loved. But when something small happens—if I misunderstand him, ask too many questions, say the wrong thing, or he gets stressed—it’s like a switch flips.

I work a very busy schedule, often juggling multiple jobs and responsibilities, so sometimes I forget things. For example, I forgot to make a dentist appointment because I had so much going on. Instead of understanding, he got angry. He’s also become furious because I didn’t work out, even when I was exhausted from work. He has told me I’m “disgusting” because I don’t have time to work out like a 34-year-old fitness influencer he follows online. It made me feel like no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be enough.

He starts insulting me, calling me names, blaming me for everything, and making me feel like I’m the problem. Sometimes he’ll compare me to other women or tell me I’m the reason he’s angry. There have also been times he’s shoved, slapped, hit, or kicked me during arguments. Afterwards he’ll apologize, be loving again, and say it won’t happen again, but eventually the cycle repeats.

I’m confused because I know the loving version of him is real too. I’d really like honest opinions, especially from men. Can someone who acts like this truly change, or is this the reality of who they are?

Updates

10 d

The man I’m with today is not the same man I fell in love with one or two years ago. This didn’t happen overnight—it happened little by little until I became emotionally attached.

I’m still here because I love him, even though I know this isn’t healthy. At the same time, I hate what this relationship has become. My mind knows I deserve better, but my heart hasn’t caught up yet.

[Anonymous]

He's a coward. He is afraid of pain. And you know, a huge amount of people in the world are like that. Most people are cowards who are afraid of pain, but he is a fucking coward + had trash parents/schooling in addition.

Good on you for questioning it. Yeah, i think 99.9% of people can change, but it is 100% not your job to change him or expect him to change. Your current job is to educate yourself on why this happens, and recognize that >99% of humans are just like him, except half of us never experienced the same trauma as he did. If they had experienced that trauma, they would end up the same. Including you.

No behavior is genetically forced, 100% all of our trash is activated by the environment, by epigenetics. The psycho shit is just a tool in his toolbox he might stop using. But that requires him to feel lots and lots and lots of voluntary pain. He needs to learn to meditate, but AVOID 99% of meditation advice because all the guru trash wants repeat customers and teach only the kinds of meditation that floods us with endirphins. It is cope and advanced repression.

No endorphin pumping and no chasing mystical experiences, he needs to clear his mental chatter so that his buried trauma can slam his awareness and he experiences the barely-barable pain he has absorbed into himself in childhood. Every single emotion he has ever repressed. Live it now. It will take months and months of nonstop horror to heal. He should be willing to even grab a pitchfork and impale whoever his abuser was, that desire will be a proper outlet for his anger instead of dumping it on his lovers. Depending on how bad the abuse was he may not want to actually revenge, but the rage should be directed at the one whom he was not allowed to rage at, the vast majority of the time it is our fathers. The anger never disappears otherwise, and his nervous system will forever think the threat exists until the very root of its formation and represssion is dealt with, he allows himself to feel rage at the abuser.

But that isn't enough nor is it often possible, when one is desensitized to pain. He first needs to feel the pain of being abused. The body knows what is abuse and what is not, does not matter for how many generations we are brainwashed that something is ok. Even something as simple as being forced to eat food when an emotionally-numb parent kills appetite in the first place, and terrorized into never questioning it. This violates our body and the body naturally gets angry and since parents instill cowardice, not to express anger, it gets buried in the nervous system aka "trauma" and later displaced onto innocent people, and forces the repetition onto the next children. Or else, if he does not force the trauma onto the children, then he gets reminded of his own abuse being incorrect, and that is unbearably painful.

If he doesn't descend into his own personal hell voluntarily to feel the pain, then he is a coward who will reinflict it--- he already tried reinflicting it onto you. Does he also have any physical conditions? Postural, tight muscles, etc? That would make sense why he follows fitness influencers too. But the cause of all bad posture and eating disorders is repressed emotions. Fuck, most mental illnesses are due to repressed emotions, but therapists have no fucking clue how trauma works, even the so-called trauma informed ones, they teach you to manage symptoms and to label yourself "avoidant attachment style" so you have an excuse not to heal.

He needs to feel pain. Having a big heart is NOT about being a self-sacrificing romeo. That is cowardice. Having a big heart means baking himself in his own personal hell, sitting with the pain of his abusers. The pain is the solution. Not the scream or tears. You know, a lot of people become permanently angry as a default state, or just numb but with sadistic tendencies to cope with being abused. That obviously is not a freeing way to live. Anger is wrong when it is used as a tool to avoid feeling pain. Feeling pain is what the heart does, while licking your ass is a compensation for lacking a heart and wanting to have one.

And the "loving" version of him is cope. It's really disgusting because it is 100% the same part of him as what abuses you --- chasing endorphins. Google this fact if you want, for some reason people don't believe when i say it; swearing bursts out endorphins (endo-morphine, our body's internally generated opiates) and guess what, all the love-bird shit too is a chase after endorphins. His abuse and his ass licking are both attempts to run away from himself because inside himself is buried too much pain.

When choosing partners, either prepare to be a therapist or ask yourself "are they a therapist themselves? Or are they chasing endorphins through sensuality to create a high that numbs the inner pain, which eventually will erupt out despite all the sensuality in the world?"

I'm getting exhausted typing this. There's a lot more to say. 99.999% of the world is traumatized, the scale of severity is very wide, but the solution is the same for all. And it seems like less than 1% of the world understand what people like Gabor Maté and Alice Miller talk about, it takes surviving fucked up holocausts in order for people to eventually sometimes hit the rock bottom and decide to grow a heart bigger than the ego.

[Anonymous]

The confusion you feel is completely natural because your boyfriend essentially has two distinct personas.

You noted that he tells you you are the reason he is angry, or that you make him act this way. A person cannot change a behavior if they do not believe they are the source of the problem. As long as he blames his violence and insults on your schedule, your mistakes, or your stress, he has zero incentive to fix himself.

He manages his anger perfectly fine everywhere else. He chooses to unleash it on you because he feels entitled to treat you as a punching bag when life doesn't go his way.

Your safety is the absolute priority right now. Because physical violence is already present, leaving or even planning to leave can be the most dangerous time. Please do not navigate this alone.

You cannot love him into being a safe person. The reality of who he is is the man who kicks and insults you the loving version is just the mask he wears to make sure you stay for the next cycle. Please take care of yourself.

[FreyaRed]

Don't walk away, run! It's schoolbook psychopathology. You can't change him.
When you think I have no clue, I can tell you I lived 23 years under influence of such person, this was my mother. Even on her last day as cancer devoured her, her liver was swollen like a football and she vomited black congealed blood all 10 minutes, she gaslighted me as bad daughter. Than she got furious over my father who was just 30 minutes away to organize an oxygen generator for her problems with breathing. You can't change them.
Furthermore, you need an escape plan and a good one because he won't let you go if you decide it's pointless. If he should find better victim than you, don't cry, celebrate because you will feel free at this day.

[There_Is_Rehab]

Nah, the only truly genetically fucked permanent till death psychopaths are those politicians smiling people in suits who never raise their voice in anyone's faces, because they are incapable of anger, but secretly betray everyone.

As others called the asker's boyfriend, "bipolar" but that is just a description of a process and not an explanation of a thing. The "thing" is a healthy organism, and the process is "trauma response".

In a sick sense, being abusive is proof of a working brain. Just like a tree being bent is proof that it is alive and flexible.

[FreyaRed]

Showing rage > causing fear it's just an intimidation strategy especially if someone is dependent or inferior due age or less experience. They aren't really emotional they can calm down in a millisecond and play a kind person, bipolar or borderline person can't do that because they are obsessive.
My mother had this intimidating but eloquent politician program in her portfolio too.
Most psychopaths have high IQ and know rules of social games very well, they just don't follow those rules if they don't fit them. Only small part is incapable to being liked by other people. This guy in asker's comment can be a lovely boy.

[Kvass]

I don't mean to be judgmental, but girls like you always blow my mind. With so many guys out there, why do you choose someone who treats you like trash? Daddy issues or what? Anyway, dump him. But what you really need to do is learn to respect yourself so you don't pick a scumbag ever again. Until you fix the root of the problem, you're just going to keep going through the same thing with different guys over and over.

[AI Opinion]

My aim on GAG is to help you see patterns in love, not just cute moments. So, let’s be real, babe.

This isn’t “he’s sweet but has a temper.” This is the classic abuse cycle: lovebombing, walking on eggshells, explosion, apology, repeat. The sweet side is not canceling out the violent side, it’s actually what keeps you trauma-bonded.

Shoving, slapping, kicking, calling you disgusting, comparing you to influencers? Huge red flags. That’s not stress, that’s entitlement and control.

Can guys like this change? Only if he admits he’s abusive, gets serious professional help, and you step away from being his emotional punchbag. Most don’t truly change, they just refine the manipulation.

You’re not “forgetful and disgusting”; you’re overworked and trying. He’s choosing violence and cruelty. The question isn’t “is his loving side real?” It’s “is this safe for you long-term?” And it’s not.

You deserve a man who would be worried you’re overworked, not mad you didn’t go to the gym.

[senor_bacon]

That happens little by little because the boundaries begin to drop as he begins to feel comfortable.

I'm telling you from experience they don't change, not just randomly on their own.

It takes work, self awareness, self observation, honesty. Didn't just happen.

[OneViewpoint]

He's not "loving" he's bipolar and apologetic after he goes off the rails. The dude has problems that are probably never gonna get fixed. He's a child living in a man's body. And if you didn't establish boundaries for his bullshit from day 1 he now feels welcome to keep escalating his theatrics.

[FunkyMonkee]

It could happen but, if he's too far gone, I wouldn't count on it.
Women tend to go after guys like this and make him into their personal project because they think THEY and ONLY THEY can change him!! In most cases, it just doesn't work like that!!
You MIGHT change him A LITTLE BIT but, for the most part, you get what you pay for!!

[Nikki1989]

It is extraordinarily rare for a man to change, and it requires specific, deep, and long-term commitment that almost never happens with most men. Don't fall for the 'loving' charade. Men are skilled at pretending.

[slatyb]

He could, but not any time soon. Physically abusive? You need to end this IMMEDIATELY before he seriously injures or kills you.

[WhitneySnow]

He will not change, not without serious therapy. Dump him.

[Ariesman81Nshiiit]

Make a decision. Be a wife or a career woman. He's making it crystal clear which one he wants.

[AngryCarl3]

Let's say he has BPD. Treatments exist but he would have to admit that he has a problem.

[There_Is_Rehab]

@AngryCarl3 Admitting it is the first step.

And no it is not BPD. That terminology is meaningless. So-called treatments are harmful because they do not understand the problem in the first place. I have never seen a person cured through the mainstream methods from it.

In one word, he could be diagnosed as "religious". Of course all religions fuck people in the head, every single one of them, in general religiosity implies BPD. Why? Because of rationalizing feelings. That's really the root of all evil. And what i mean by that, is childhood trauma and abuse, then saying "it was the most efficient way" "the circumstances called for it" "my parent just had BPD, i cannot blame the sick" "it is all in the past, let's focus on the positive". All of this, instead of making you a stronger person, instead speaks to the nervous system "do not be upset at abuse, abuse is normal" which then GUARANTEES that your own nervous system explodes at other victims and the cycle repeats. We must, at all costs, blame our parents, no matter how holy they were, how busy their jobs, what traumas they had. Stop laughing at the sad, stop using positive terminology, and faking a gratitude attitude. And suddenly the BPD is a cry for help, not just something to be silenced.

[FrodoSkywalker007]

He has some deep seated turmoil he has no idea how to control.

[jahaims]

You are an idiot for being with him. You are just desperate for love and validation

[EmmaMary]

One word Two Letters. NO.

[Staximus]

Get rid of this piece of shit

[Staximus]

What kind of fucking retard gets mad when somebody forgets to make their own dentist appointment

[MasterKS]

No change the boyfriend.