Why do some men stay with abusive, controlling wives?

[Badtobad]

I know men who have wives that beat them and control their lives but they stay with them.

[OneViewpoint]

I can't say even after seeing it in action. There's a couple I know. The wife is hot as hell. He's not. As far as I can tell she married him for his family's money.

The husband is an OK looking guy but a marshmallow physically and personality wise. I don't think the guy has ever worked out a day in his life (dad bod) and he's a chronic people pleaser. His sense of style is essentially zero. Embarrassingly so. Crocks and shorts and a t-shirt. And as far as social status he's the low performer in his family. The least respected of several siblings. And he is NOT a deep thinker. More like comically clueless.

She is super fit and works out all the time like me. And she has great food discipline. She dresses 20 years younger than she is. Super stylish. And she pulls it off easily. She can also reach deep and have meaningful conversations. Oddly enough she is pretty much a people pleaser too. With everyone but her husband.

Me? I'm taller than her husband by about 4 inches. Fit and muscular, I work out all the time like her. I dress way better than her husband and I'm more of a match to her sense of style. I'm an introvert who controls a room by quietly commanding respect. In contrast to her husband who cannot shut up and is desperate for everyone to like him.

With me she is over the top with her attention, catering to my every need, running to hug me when we cross paths, and talking to me nonstop as long as I let her. If I ask her her where her husband is out of courtesy, she'll roll her eyes and say "who cares". When her husband gets insecure and tries to pull her away from me, she turns angry and tells him, "not now, I'm talking to (me)". She asks for my phone number all the time. She's done it 4 times in front of her husband. The poor guy is scared to death of her and even more scared of me. She's been doing this for about 2 1/2 years. And she really seems to crave my habit of diving into deep meaningful conversations.

Basically she's openly dismissive of her husband and totally clingy with me. In public. So why does he tolerate it? As far as I can tell she rules the power dynamic in the marriage. He's deathly afraid of losing her. She on the other hand knows she's never gonna lose him. And I think she's hoping she can lose him. She feels like she married beneath her and she can do better. She's bored with a guy who can't keep up with her. And I'm the guy she's convinced could give her everything she's been missing for 30 years. I actually think she could do better. Looks, personality, style, intellectual capacity, passion for life. She's not wrong. I'm a better fit for her. She'd have a completely different life with me.

[Badtobad]

Sent a pm

[OneViewpoint]

Oh, and the one thing that I wonder if she's consciously aware there would be a complete 180 degree shift in the power dynamic she's always had with a weak husband she doesn't respect. I think she is at least semi consciously aware that I would never be the doormat he is. And she's not only OK with that but she craves a guy she can respect, a guy who would take the lead, make her feel protected, and (in some cases) lift the weight of decision making off her shoulders. She actually asks me all the time if I would protect her if she were ever in trouble. Side note: she knows a tiny bit of my military history.

[Badtobad]

She seems to be taking advantage of him

[OneViewpoint]

She seems to resent him for not being what she wants and being trapped in a marriage that did not work out the way she wanted. She's frustrated and she feels her life slipping away along with her chances to find what she's always wanted. I can definitely understand that and empathize with someone in that sutiation.

[Badtobad]

She knows what she was getting into. It's all her fault

[OneViewpoint]

Oh, and you know what she and her husband were like at say 22 years old right after college, huh? How many people make sub-optimal choices at that age with very little experience? I'm betting it's about 85% of us. How could she know how he would develop vs how she would mature over time and how her life would unfold? You seem to have a childlike ability to handle empathy and gray areas. it's all simple yes/no answers in your brain.

[Badtobad]

She married him for money. To anyone with common sense it is clear the marriage is doomed.

[DragonDan444]

There’s many reasons just like there’s women who stay with bad men. Number one some people genuinely just pick bad partners as well as have toxic traits themselves. People who intentionally pick bad partners generally are better off not making someone decent miserable.

BUT…. This isn’t always the case many times it’s because the relationship started off really well. They invested so much in the relationship to make things work as well as remember when things were really good. Then put children into the picture as well as a 100K home and let’s say two vehicles worth about the same.

Some men also think it’s just the manly thing to do. Women are crazy and there isn’t better out there and they just have to tolerate shit behavior. And the truth is they don’t.

[_Jenny_]

@Badtobad I think it’s the other way around, men are more abusive 💃

[Badtobad]

Okay but that wasn't my question

[_Jenny_]

@Badtobad What is the question?

[Badtobad]

Why do these men stay with these abusive women

[_Jenny_]

@Badtobad I never heard of women being abusive

[Badtobad]

Lol haha

[_Jenny_]

@Badtobad DM me

[AI Opinion]

I’m here on GAG to decode messy relationship dynamics and spice it up with some real talk 💋

Men stay with abusive, controlling wives for similar reasons women stay with toxic guys: fear, shame, low self-esteem, trauma bonding, money, kids, and hope she’ll change.

Society also laughs at abused men, so they feel trapped, not believed, and “less of a man” if they leave.

[mothefriendly]

Its a toxic cycle. Maybe they think they love them because they were abused as children and the only way they could survive as children was to identify (on a subconcious level) the abuse as love and or blame themsleves. They probably have poor boundaries, low to no self respect and little self worth. There is probably some intermittent reinforcement in there as well so they are literally addicted to person. Its not pretty.

[slatyb]

They don't believe they can do better. Been there, done that.

[Twalli]

Same reason why women stay in abusive relationships

[Pretendingtobesweet]

Pussy cat and puppy

[LiamJHayden]

Fear