Can you love someone deeply and still know you shouldn’t be together?

Question

Sometimes loving someone isn’t enough to make a relationship work... You can have a deep connection, genuinely care about each other, and still realize that timing, compatibility, circumstances, or whatever you each need makes being together difficult. Do you think it’s possible to love someone deeply and still know you shouldn’t be together?

Massageman · Accepted Answer

Yes. Most likely philia or agape loves.

Excerpt from an article I many wrote years ago explains in more detail.

"Xenia: Xenic hospitality was an extremely important practice in Ancient Greece. It was an almost ritualized friendship between a host and his guest, people who could previously have been total strangers. Xenic love was shown by the host by respecting his guest, and by the guest who would not be a burden to the host. The host fed and provided quarters for the guest, who was expected to repay only with gratitude, except in the case of traveling bards, wherein entertainment and news from other towns was the usual “thank you”. Examples of this can be seen throughout Greek mythology, in particular, Homer's Iliad and Odyssey.

Philia: This love has comradeship and friendship for another individual, but it expects a response. It is a love of relationship, comradeship, sharing, communication and friendship. While eros makes lovers (more on this later), phileo love makes a bond that is all trusting, and not sexual in nature. Individuals share each other’s thoughts, feelings, attitudes, plans and dreams. They confide in each other secrets, fears , and needs that they would not share with others. Note the use of this Greek root in the words philanthropy (generosity via love) and hydrophilia (water-loving).

Storge: This is the love often described as a comfortable “old shoe” relationship comprised of natural affection and a sense of belonging to each other. Storgic love represents a safe haven for people as it is a place of acceptance, mutual respect and shelter, one example of which is familial love- that of parents and offspring for each other. Many people dwell in storgic love for years and misunderstand it as being mundane or boring. But in effect it is a very safe place, but can simply lack excitement we might seek. It can also serve as the moat around your relationship, protecting it from outside forces. Storgic love can co-exist with other types of love and can be likened to a foundation made up of trust and safety.

Agape: Refers to a "pure," ideal type of love, not sexual attraction suggested by eros. To love agapically is to love completely, but expect nothing in return. Agape love is different from erotic love in that it is not sexual nor romantic in nature. Its nature is that of self sacrifice. Agape love was shown by Jesus, as He gave Himself totally to save mankind from sin. Agapic love is also different from the other kinds of love in that you can choose it. It is a giving of yourself for the betterment of the relationship. Agape love can help you to “protect” yourself emotionally during difficult times as you love someone but expect nothing in return. You can love someone completely and still have boundaries and maintain your “own self”.

Eros: This type of love is associated with sex and romance. It is that erotic feeling we get when a sexual relationship moves forward. Your world and mind circles about your loved one and they are always on your mind. You strive for time together romantically. Eros love is totally emotional, sexual and cannot typically be summoned at will. Sadly, while most of us have experience erotic love in our lives, it is not usually sustainable. While erotic love is not fully sustainable, it can cycle in and out of a relationship over its course. "

Lliam · Accepted Answer

Yes.
I met a lady named Petra when I was 36. She was 30. We wound up living together for two years. Of all the girlfriends I had had since I was 16, she was the first lady I ever loved with my heart and soul. She loved me, too. I would have been happy to marry her and spent the rest of my life with her. I was at a point in my life where I wanted to get married and settle down.

But, in the end, I realized that we couldn't have made it as life long partners. Even though we loved each other, we wound up separating for reasons that are too complicated to go into but had nothing to do with cheating or anything mean.
She eventually moved out of state to be near her mom and teen age son.

Being away from her was the greatest pain I have ever experienced in my life but I knew there was no point in returning. It would have eventually caused me even greater pain. As it is, it took me a year to pull myself together and move on with my life.

Even though I married a wonderful woman three years later, I never stopped loving Petra and will never forget her. I am eternally grateful for the opportunity to have had two blissful years with that extraordinary woman.

I heard that the died 11 years ago at the age of 55 from a sudden medical problem.

texasgirl012 · Accepted Answer

Sure, you can love someone and realize it's not going to work, and that continuing will cause even greater pain and heartache. But we can also be wrong about that. I used to agonize about the fact that I love my boyfriend so much, but also have these crazy strong attractions to a certain kind of Black that has that one thing my boyfriend lacks. But then once we low-key figured out together that he has the same fetishes I do, then the love only became stronger, because we are such a good fit. So I found his porn collection and some of his journaling, and he caught me cheating. Rather than that being a sign it won't work out, it turned into the last piece of the puzzle about why we should be together. The thing is I don't love the Blacks I'm with - I love the crazy, depraved sex we have. But I do love my boyfriend, and he loves that I do this, because it drives him wild when I do it then lie to him about it. Love is crazy sometimes, and we don't actually know what we will make us happy.

thegreenyogi · Accepted Answer

Yes I do beleive it's possible. Love comes in different forms and sometimes if you love a person deeply and you know that being together as a couple is not realistic you channel what you feels in acts of friendship and loyalty instead. At times silent love is the most powerful and holds much more value than the one that is openly declared which can be superficial and effimeral instead.

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

My aim here on GAG is to decode all the messy, beautiful chaos of love and attraction for you 😏

Yes, you can 100% love someone deeply and still know you shouldn’t be together. Love isn’t the only ingredient. Values, timing, emotional maturity, attachment style, even life goals matter.

Sometimes they’re your great love, not your forever partner. Painful, but also a green flag for your self-respect.

HawkPerception · Answer

I don't think that's the case... not romantically anyways. If you truly love someone, you'll find a way or try your hardest to be in their life, as you can't imagine a life living without them.

If someone leaves you, it just means they didn't value you enough to stay with you.

Finchie40 · Answer

Yes, you can love someone and not be with them anymore , I still love my ex wife that I was with for over 20 years , and she is the mother of my children , Her and I got to a point in our lives that we decided to no longer be together anymore because we were constantly butting heads and not on the same page with things anymore, so we went our separate ways and we still love each other , we just know we are no longer good for each other. So I been now open to meeting someone else

Straight2thepoint · Answer

If I may, I love my wife and two kids. Our relationship has come to its end. I haven't been perfect. She has tried her best. Sometime the thought of just running away from this has happened. But that's the coward thing to do. I love my kids. I haven't stayed, out of pity or anything. I love them.

If you're still stuck wondering on what have I done wrong, then you're not worth helping. but if you're not. Then you're worth it.

Just recently this relationship has hit a point of her calling it all done. "No more, I'm done, " she said. All this because my long lost daughter (19 yrso) that I haven't seen for 8 plus years. She is back in my life.

Yes, you're right it's difficult.

Sometimes people say crazy things. Act stupid ways. Love has a different meaning to others. Don't try to hard when you don't get the same action in return. Don't dwell in "maybe". Don't get upset over minimalistic things. Don't force things to be. If it's not running smooth between you both, it'll be a disaster later. Just move on. If you have kids with them find a way to change. if they can't change nor You. Then split. Theirs people out there that pour their all, even when we aren't love the same. Try again elsewhere im sure you'll find someone that will. But first check yourself, evaluate yourself. don't blame the other person right away. .

DragonDan444 · Answer

The answer is yes. It happens sometimes someone can be a great person but you want very different things, have different boundaries, etc. If one person want a traditional relationship and the other doesn’t, it will take a lot of work to make things work long term. If someone needs constant affection and attention while the other person needs space. Nothing wrong with either of those, but it will take work if they’re together.

It’s possible to love one another. If those two people are married it takes them both to continue to put the effort in. But some cases, you aren’t meant to be and you’re not only hurting yourself but hurting someone else

Joshydavid25 · Answer

Nah, whats the point then? There is no magical right time.. People make the right time.. Destiny or anything else does not rule our actions.. We do.. And if 2 People truly love each other and decide (hey uh let's complicate this by separating even though this is the time when we should be by each other's side the most), that's on their dumb a$$es for listening to romantic movies..

Cook-N-Fool · Answer

A smart person would know who is not right for them and would be aware that their love was real. It makes it much easier to move on.

Well, they might not realize this right away, but in my opinion: Knowing that their feelings were real means that they should be aware that they didn't fail the other person, they're not at fault (hopefully), and can find solace and faith in themselves in order to reset their hearts... outside of the partner that they had entrusted their hearts to, and maybe be able to trust again with the necessary strength needed to surge on when they do meet the right person—the person that they were probably meant to meet.

NathanDavis · Answer

it depends... I usually don't go into "impossible" relationships and I won't insist in complicated love either... not into that kind of drama, so I will not end up "deeply in love" with someone I really could never be with

TonyMetal___1986 · Answer

Yes you can, physical attraction doesn't get along with how your mind thinks!
Personally i convince myself that this girl ain't mine and that i'll find someone better, especially that these days i prefer a lot more a woman who makes me happy instead of just being beautiful!

Saddlebread · Answer

I defer to the talking point on self-examination: Make sure you like as well as love. Although the person quoting it might have implied that you generally know if you love before you like and that is where the said person and I may diverge. This was in tandem with advancing the idea to wait a year.

molonski2 · Answer

Absolutely you can , you know they are not the best for you , but their appeal is incredible, you have a deep affection , but in your heart of hearts.. you know at some point you need to say - bye bye.

browsingthroughthe · Answer

I just liked the question and answered for the cool photo 👀

236color · Answer

Yes. Ask Joe Walsh and Stevie Nicks about this. They each consider the other the "love of their life", but together feed each other's drug addiction to a point they mutually agree to separate.

Anonymous · Answer

Shouldn't be together... such as? Because when you love someone you MAKE the time. Life gets harder, not easier. So you're either getting it done or you're not. Anything else is just an excuse and you really don't want to be with that person that badly. Which is fine. But be real with yourself.

Nikki1989 · Answer

Absolutely. You can love someone for many reasons, but that doesn't make them relationship compatible.

Amy10223 · Answer

Yes, you can, whether you want to or not. You don;t choose who you want to love--love choose YOU.

exitseven · Answer

absolutely. Sometimes the world just throws so many roadblocks in your way that there is no way to make the relationship work. The only option is to walk away and try to get past it all.

Marshast · Answer

Yes! Love is selfish!  Self love is the foundation to love another person. Love is something that is built, not a tryout of a periodic term.

slatyb · Answer

Yes, you definitely can. It can be timing, it may be that goals differ -- one person wants marriage and family, the other does not and will not.

gasman70 · Answer

absolutely, you can love someone deeply and know that it won't work, I've been in that relationship.. It happens more often than we would like to admit

AngryCarl3 · Answer

You can desire them, but I don't think that's how love works. A wise man once said "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with'.

Shiprex · Answer

I think so. One of them could be so disconnected with reality that the other would suffer if they did get together

FreyaRed · Answer

Forbidden fruits taste better but loving someone who is toxic, is like poisoning yourself.

_Jenny_ · Answer

@7phoenix7   yes of course because some people are not meant for each other.

lilBigPotato · Answer

Yes of course. I think there exists various forms of that.

Anonymous · Answer

Yesss. He was too good for me. That’s why i left him. Though i loved him a lot

FunkyMonkee · Answer

Absolutely. Been there, done that. She was my first girlfriend.

AydenHazor · Answer

Love isn't always romantic. You can deeply love and know you're not suited romantically and still love well

Anonymous · Answer

Yes, happens all the time to men for no good reason. Because the woman won’t care to talk to you but then go date some hoodlum shmuck instead.  You women have to actually want a good thing for real.

dragoblack · Answer

Yep. Though you should give up and find acceptance in letting your feelings go, if the person is toxic and abusive

Bklynbadboy12 · Answer

Absolutely you can i learned a long tome ago that just because I want something doesn't mean its good for me

Kassandra1994 · Answer

Check first if they done a love spell on you. Yes yiu hear that right love spell.

scrtnerd · Answer

Yes. Love but not in love. You care about them deeply but have nothing in common so you feel lonely I guess.

Talhacikk · Answer

I would be truly happy if someone loved me and i would find a way for us to be together, no matter the circumstances.

RachyRach · Answer

Definitely. Sometimes love is toxic sadly.

jshm2 · Answer

Lol, you don't know what love is, then.

loveslongnails · Answer

I'd have to know your definition of love first before I could answer this.

sage2021 · Answer

Yes, I can see that happening.

WhitneySnow · Answer

It’s definitely possible

Metiii · Answer

Yes. Love reading about serial killers but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with one.

Pretendingtobesweet · Answer

there is no love. there is sex and money.

RareBreedOfMan · Answer

I believe that to be true

Anonymous · Answer

Yes, but they could be wrong.

Darthskywalker6969 · Answer

I guess its possible

Anonymous · Answer

Happened already in the past..

Gasman2 · Answer

yes you can

Kingofkings1992 · Answer

Sure, I think it's possible 👍

ThisSiteSux · Answer

Absolutely

wkhan_87 · Answer

Yes it happens

i_am_back · Answer

Yes did in past

Can you love someone deeply and still know you shouldn’t be together?

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