Should women settle for less as they grow older?

Question

Two days ago I asked this very interesting question link and a user said that he'd advise men to pick their career over love when they're younger, but wouldn't advise women to do the same and when I asked why, he said, I quote:

" I get hit on _more_ now that I'm in my mid 30's. I don't think many women get hit on more as they get older. Dating favors young women and successful men. So would I advise her to 'always follow love'? No. But putting off relationships is probably an investment for men, and a cost for women. So if they have a really good relationship that's headed to marriage that may be harder to replicate again for women then men. I hate saying it because its brutally unfair, but its the reality. Most guys I know (who are reasonably though not staggeringly successful) can actually date more attractive women and more women and more easily in their 30s then they could in their 20's. For women its the reverse."

Do you agree with him? Should women settle for less as they grow older? Please comment on his answer. Thanks!

jdcpa · Accepted Answer

I don't know if it's accurate to call it "settling" "for less" when a woman is older.

A relationship is a transaction. Whether it's "at-will" (dating) or a "contract" (marriage), it's still an exchange of value for value. In an ideal fantasy world, looks and money wouldn't matter, and playboy bunnies would be flocking around broke ugly guys, and wealthy rich studs would be flocking around ugly fat lazy women begging to marry her. Unfortunately the world doesn't work that way. People don't just give value away for free, men included.

When women are younger, they hold off, until something of value comes along. It's not that "not being a virgin" make the women less valuable. It's just that flooding the market with sex makes "sex" less valuable. Cut back the supply, keep the demand the same, and watch the price soar. Now, you can command - however artificially - a strong bargaining and negotiating position. You have leverage when dating. Of course, women who weaken your leverage (by being sexually open and honest with her desires) are women you rationally hate, and call all sorts of names, trying to curb their behavior that is working contrary to your interests.

As women get older though, the value of that sex is practically worthless. Men peak sexually at 18. After that, it's all downhill in the testosterone department. By age 30, men still have a sex drive, but it's nowhere near where it used to be. So, assuming women are still holding back, the supply is kept low, but the demand is now much lower. Therefore, the price that "sex" commands has faded.

As you mentioned though, one thing has gone up, a woman's urgency to start a family, get married, AND a man's financial security (both income and wealth). So, demand for women is very high as that biological clock is ever-so-ticking, and thus the value a man has to offer is ever so increasing.

So, compared to the relatively low value that a woman has to offer an already established man, and compared to all that a man has to offer (and a woman has to gain) in that part of her life, men hold the cards. Unfair? No really. Girls held the cards earlier in life. If they played nicer when they were younger, there's no reason men shouldn't reciprocate now that they're big boys. However, if girls didn't play nice, and really had fun with that negotiating power and leverage, what do you think men are likely to now do?

However, women are not "settling for less" just because they are older. They are actually getting a fair deal. Women would be getting a windfall if they exchanged her value at age 18 (artificially high) for a man's value at age 18 (artificially low), and married . . . 20 years later, her value would be normalized, whereas his would actually be high. What women are coping with is the reality that they are just people, and are worth no more than an ordinary person is. That's not "settling for less", that's just snapping out of a self-centered idealized fantasy of self-worth.

planetearth · Accepted Answer

I don't agree, as their are exceptions, too many in fact. Thus way too many holes for that argument. I would say the main reason guys may get hit on more in their 30s is because they have matured usually by that point to be more attractive. I know lots of women that usually like older (than them) guys anyway. But again, I think it gets harder for dudes too. Lots of girls in their 20s think any guys over 30 are creepers, so his argument doesn't really hold water all that well.

I have also heard that guys stereotypically age better than women, but again this is really not proven and simply not true a lot of times. By your 30s a person usually has their stuff together and this may appeal to women for a variety of reasons, whereas it may not matter so much to a younger guy chasing an older woman.

The dating pool grows smaller and smaller as you age no matter your gender. Guys are as much under pressure as women to find that good one to settle down with. I feel like even being a guy in his late 20s my options have narrowed a lot. I actually don't care about the profession of the girls that I date. I don't measure someone's worth by how they make their own money. This seems shallow and irrelevant when it comes to someone's personality or ambitions.

oOsweet~o~nessOo · Accepted Answer

I don't think this theory is as black and white as he makes it out to be.

It is natural for men to seek firm younger mates for breeding, as naturally this would mean she is the healthiest state to reproduce.

However, it's not like once you pass 25 as a young woman, your chances at getting a man suddenly fall to near 0%.

Age does work against women for dating, but not so harshly as we keep getting told.

I mean look at the media for instance - they make women fear aging because it means we will be horribly ugly and worth absolutely nothing -

Yet I know several women in their mid 30's pushing 40 who still have a great dating life, or in a wonderful relationships with a man around their age.

It's not black and white.

It's pretty silly of him to say women should focus more on love as a means to cope because after college we are repulsive - it's like when women were told we had to marry while we're young or risk not having anything.

It's not that rigid. A girl can focus on her career and on potential dating and be fine. Taking care of yourself is common sense and key.

What I find amazing about what he said - is that he made it seem like 30 year olds are eager to hook up with the immature, clueless, ditzy younger women. Men in their mid 30's have lived long enough to have some better expectations of what will be a better partner to them.

If we were more primitive in which mating and reproduction were more crucial, then yes, being older would be harsh against a woman finding a partner -

But humans require a bit more than just that to have a successful union due to our more advanced state of mind.

Some 30 year old guys do put up with their less experienced / immature younger women, but I rarely see a 30 year old with a woman in her early 20's. A lot of women cut off their dating age range at around 5 years at max so a 21 year old may stick with only dating 26 year olds as her range.

That's just personal experience and observation though.

Are there young women that seek out way older men? Yes, but an older man's standards aren't the same as a younger man's as far as having a legitiment partner for the rest of his life, and that's what gives ladies passed 25 or even in their 30's a chance.

So yea, from an evolutionary stand point he is correct, but we don't just function strictly off of nature to establish legit bonds with another to raise the kids.

With the way things are today - I think everyone should just focus on their careers while they are young - at least get on their feet first before dealing with broken relationships, unwanted pregnancies - all those little obstacles that force people into situations they don't want to be in.

Ingrid422 · Accepted Answer

I do agree with the explanation that goes with it. Personally, I perceive "settling" as guetting married. Guetting married is very important to me. I plan on marrying once, making a family and living a very steady life - guetting children and slowly turning into some sort of housewife. Old-fashioned, it is, yes, but that's what I'm hoping for. That explains why I take my current dating life very seriously. I figured that these were my priorities and that I wouldn't compromise on them, so that's why I'm actively trying to make things happen as soon as possible, so I don't have to "settle for less" if things don't go as "planned". I think it's a question of priority, mostly. In order to settle, you have to take the responsibility to seize certain opportunities and to put yourself out there when time is right. I think that if you're still alone, waiting for a miracle to happen past 30, there's something that wasn't taken care of at the right time. I'm not saying I'd blame that person for it. It's just that there are certain choices to make when you're young (20s and such) and you WILL have to settle with the consequences of whatever you choose in the end.

I want a family and a husband that will last me for life. That's why I've never been so much into dating and fooling around. My career is important to me, yes, but I already see myself having children once I turn 30ish, so my choice is to make the most of it for now while making sure that I settle along the way. As for sacrificing my career for someone, I don't see how or why I'd do that. Doesn't make sense to me.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

To the response below when you asked me how would I respond If someone asked why I'm single,  I'm not single and if I was I would politely tell them I was married for 8 years and now it's my time to enjoy life alittle bit.  Getting married at 22 I wasn't in the dating world long enough,  But I would tell them now it's my time and I choose to be single.  I honestly have never been alone,  The longest was 3 months and that was by choice.  As soon as my divorce was over I got involved in another relationship.  From what I can tell by friends,  They like being single,  They have outstanding careers and they always tell me they don't like men telling them what they can and cannot do.  Many women 30 and up like doing their own thing,  If I never got married again which I doubt.  I would be super because I've already experienced that.  I want to travel  I believe I would hop on a plane and head to spain to see a friend,  I'm in a relationship now but hey if I was married not to knock marriage I believe in it.  But if I was married I couldn't do that.

bassman · Answer

NO!

When we talk about who dating favors the most... you have to look at it by keeping the end in mind. In other words, if dating favors one group over another, this will be determined by how successful their marriage is,and or was. Many young women marry the wrong guy because their feelings and emotions are everywhere! Many successful men are being dragged to divorce court by these same young women because they got too involved in their careers,and not involved enough in the success of their marriage.

Dating favors wiser men not successful men.

The 30 year old guys are getting more woman and more attractive ones because they finally grew up, and are able to attract these women that hey couldn't in their 20's.

Dating does not favor young women.

Their emotions and feelings are all over the place when they are young. Causing them to make bad decision concerning love.

A woman in her 30's+ have seen it all. She knows who, and what she wants better when she's older.She is better at picking out the good guys faster.

Getting older does not mean you ever need to settle. If your a woman, it means you have been patient, and are now better equipped to find the KEEPER.

Getting older for men means you have grown up...and probably mellowed out. You have your career on track,and have figured out who you are by then. Thus, having a better chance at dating success and a long marriage.

Its not a matter of settling or not. Its a matter of patients and timing.

liars_paradox · Answer

I disagree with the guy that you mentioned. I think that BOTH women and men should pick their careers over their love life. It just makes sense for both women and men because you have better control over what's going on in your life if you have your finances taken care of first.

Focusing on your career helps establish yourself financially. For both women and men, it allows you to develop a sense of independence. I think that, if you're not a in situation where one is more dependent on the other, then you're not as likely to develop a sense of neediness of that person.

However, to answer your question of whether or not a woman should settle less as she gets older... I have read other people's answers before making mine, and I have to say that oOsweet~o~nessOo had a good answer, but so did one anonymous user as well.

As women age, they do become less desirable. However, like oOsweet~o~nessOo said, I don't that that it's that bad. Also, people often do end up settling for less anyways as they mature because their initial expectations were much too unrealistic anyways.

Both probably play a role in what a person of either sex will end up settling for. With that in mind, focusing on getting married when you're a young woman instead of your career is still not very bright. The guy isn't just simply to get married, but to find someone that you can spend the rest of your life with.

You might end up settling for less, but if you never aged you still might have to do this anyways because you expected too much in the first place. As you age, you might become less attractive but it's not as bad as you would think, so it's still a good idea to focus on building your life over finding any guy to get married to.

Anonymous · Answer

I currently am single. I get annoyed, but realize as I am in graduate school getting a doctorate, my value will go up.

I honestly think a girl should wise up and realize that I am ambitious and date me and try to hook me now...but...it is not happening.

So, though I would love to find the love of my life, some sweet great cute girl, it is not happening.

So I am going to wait until my highly probably success kicks in, and date a younger hotter girl.

Why? Because girls don't seem to want to enjoy my value now.

To answer the question. Right now, I am 27 and would date a cute ambitious girl who is close to my age or slightly younger. 24-27.

When I am 35...set financially and have a home and what not...I will not date that same girl who would currently be 32-35. I would only accept a really hot 24-27 year old.

I personally think women need to wise up, and start realizing this sh*t and pick the guys who are worth something when they are younger. Too many girls want to party with hot guys and just have fun.

Well, when you get older, us guys who sat on the sidelines will want nothing to do with you.

Anonymous · Answer

Both sexes often end up settling for less as they grow older. Not because of the reason mentioned, but because in our teens and 20s we have unrealistic expectations of the way relationships are supposed to work and that only gets us in trouble in the long run.

The women he talks about who go for older, successful men when they are not yet successful themselves put themselves in a position of extreme submission and give him total control over their lives. Is that really something you want?

kereru · Answer

no,

No one should "settle" for anyone, this is like saying "dont count on finding someone you respect and love to be with, you are not worthy"

i don't believe all men so wholly superficial and shallow that even the ones worth having will only chase young p****.and this guy also seems to imply that the only desirable men are successful, rich, suave, alpha males, who CAN have whoever they want and that to aim for anything else would be "lowering your expectations"

but what if I don't like that type of guy in the first place? I don't want to find what society calls "the perfect guy" id much rather go out with the quirky, cute, slightly awkward intellectual guy who likes nerdy things like me and doesn't doesn't pull all the chicks.

i think as long as what you 're seeking is love and companionship and not superficial qualities like looks and money, then no one should lower their expectations.

Izzy_21 · Answer

Well what he says makes sense, men go for youth and beauty and women for money and status. Not all of course and not always to such an great extent.

Maybe it's just me I often I also find mend between 25 - 35 most attractive, while I couldn't say the same for women.

So in a way you may have to settle for less when you get older and want a relationship. On the othert hand I wouldn't want to be with one of those guys that go for a young girls only. Even if you're 18 and marry a wealthy 35 year old, you're still gonna get older and have to ask yourself how long it will take until he's gonna find another one. So a lot of those you may be able to have when you're young you wouldn't really want to be with anyways, if that makes any sense

Konnour · Answer

Pretty much the value of women generally deteriorates as their age increases.. not just looks, but every aspect - including personality, style, how likeable is she and how she treats others... especially her fiance or husband.

But that's generally.. of course there are few exceptions - women who become(or are) bitter and intolerable even while very young, and some women who remain "in good quality" even when getting older.

The thing is that implementable standards and your own value are deeply connected.

And when or if your value decreasing - you can't expect the same things you used to.

HeroOfVillains · Answer

Ye definitely true but I don't envy for a second a 30 year old guy that hooks up with the women in my age group (early 20s). I actually think it is rather pathetic (for both parties). Firstly the woman is probably with the dude for the "maturity" in other words he has a stable job, can take her to nice restaurants, and can plan trips to f*** knows where. Essentially she is a gold digger and he is a chump. He is settling for nice breast, and she is settling for money.

That is why if I ever become a millionaire when I grow older, I would make sure that I never show any of the money. I would go to the bar in a Peugeot, and leave the Ferrari in my garage. I will bring the visa and not the black diamond American expresss. Women start hooking them early rather than always looking for the cheese (money).

Anonymous · Answer

Please I'm in my 30's and I get hit on every time I leave the house ,  You have to keep in mind a lot of women looks younger now than they use to .  This is know joke I get  hit on from teens sometimes I just never looked my age.  I never had any type of surgery done,  I just take care of myself.  I've been married before for over 9 years ,  I got married at age 22 and now I'm divorced.  Since than I've been in a committed relationship for over 5 years,  He wants to get married  but I'm not ready.  I never had a problem getting a man,  My ex husband wants me back now,  But that's over,  No woman should settle  I know I'm a diamond.  I want the best and aspect the best.  Whoever said that is crazy,  Think about who is ahead in the music industry and movies now.  People 30's up no younger person can touch them,  Beyonce, holly berry, J lo, Mary J.  Janet Jackson Know one still can't beat her dancing  If a woman looks good she can get anybody I've seen it.

Anonymous · Answer

No, women should not settle regardless of age but I think some do once they hit a certain point in their lives. I think realistically that happens to very few women nowadays. Like others have said, as women age they become more mature and more financially stable on their own, their idea of love is transformed perhaps, their needs most likely change and to me that does not mean that they are settling. Comparing dating habits based on looks and at different life stages is kind of a stupid way to look at things without considering what an older women brings to the table at this point in her life.

Anonymous · Answer

Yes, women should take their pnssy off a pedestal. I have social anxiety, which is crippling my chances with meeting men, and it's worse now that I'm in my mid-twenties. I probably come off as some arrogant bitch. Anyway, I have realized lately that I should be willing to tolerate certain flaws in a future mate, but I'm not sure which ones.

Overweight - I'm not too keen on that.

Too nice- that's OK, I can handle that.

Lack of ambition - that's a tough one because I lack some ambition, so he would probably need some.

Looks - I would rather be the attractive one.

Unfortunately, even if I'm willing to put up with things, it still doesn't get rid of the fact that I'm shy. I guess what I'm trying to say is take an honest look at yourself. If you're a dork, look for another dork. You might not be happily ever after, but you will have an easier life that way.

SixStringSeal · Answer

I don't believe anyone should settle for less as time progresses. You should learn from each relationship and try to improve in the next. The key thing is to always just try your best and never settle or you'll regret it in my honest opinion. This goes for both sexes. I simply wouldn't want to be a with a girl if she claimed to have "settled" for me. How arrogant, that would immediately end the relationship for me.

Anonymous · Answer

I agree with him.

But I don't think it's a case of women settling. I think a woman in her 30's who is single, has very different standards and needs than a younger woman.

A young woman can dump a guy for being too nice. A woman in her 30's would probably not do that.

Anonymous · Answer

I 100% agree with what he's saying. I'm in my 30s now and reasonably successful (though not insanely so), and I've had girls flirting with me who'd never have given me the time of day when I was younger. It's really remarkable.

And why does that happen? Partly, the still attractive older girls are running out of options, so they're getting more active in trying to find a guy. And I think the younger ones like slightly older guys, so that works to my favor too.

For girls it's the opposite. And if you've been to college you should already know this. Just look at what dating is like for the typical freshman and senior guy and girl. The freshman guys are totally screwed (or not screwed as it were) while the freshman girls are getting attention from EVERYWHERE. Meanwhile senior guys are either taken or have many dating options whereas the senior girls who are still single are scrambling for attention from the older guys.

Alexeiv · Answer

The primary reason is this:

35 Year Old Women have a harder time getting pregnant, more chance of mental handicapped children and of course a 35 doesn't have much time to have many children.

Biology vs. Feminism and Biology always wins. Sorry ladies.

yopyopyop · Answer

I think these guy is just missing a point, and rationalizes from bad hypothesis.

His "success" has just brought him confidence, and the balls to approach girls he wouldn't approach earlier.

But there's something where he's right : girls in their mid 20s are more sexually attractive than girls in their 30s for guys who think they have to take a revenge on life, which seems to be the case of most of those who weren't confident earlier.

c7777 · Answer

Ya I guess I would agree, women in their 30's and later get a taste of what it is like to be a younger man with lots of competition I guess you could say. Younger guys settle for less or just don't date at all a lot of the times

samhradh_leannan · Answer

I can see some truth in that theory, unfortunate though it is. But I don't agree that women should let it affect their decisions. I think it's important to keep looking until you find what's right, even if it's difficult.

sixstring · Answer

Yes, but not for the reason you mention. Most young girls have irrationally high expectations of men and love, they just learn to let certain criteria go.

Xx_DRE_xX · Answer

It's true, women often settles for less as they grow older because their face value goes down as they age. If a man is in his 30's & can get girls in their 20's why would he bother with the women in his age bracket?

Should women settle for less as they grow older?

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