When will he emerge from the Man Cave?

[Ellas]

Hello...I was just wondering if you could please advise me about something...my fiance and I have been known each other for about 3 years, and I could tell you in countless ways how much he loves me and I him (I don't drive you nuts with that, promise). There is no one I love or trust more in the world, apart from my immediate family...I'm also familiar with the 90/10 principle (if you love 90% of the guy, he's a keeper and you can always deal/accept the other 10%)...but sometimes, once every 3-6 months, he retreats in his "cave" for 2-3 days...that means no calls, emails, texts, nothing. this time he's cut the cord for 14 days. I miss him so much, and just send a cheerful one-line text every day to say Goodmorning or I love you or something short and sweet, something that won't get him down--and because I'm 99% sure he isn't holding something against me (I know he deals with plenty of stress in his life, as do we all). I love him and accept he needs space...but two weeks seems a long time. Last time I saw him we had a wonderful day together and he was making plans for the weekend (which, well, we didn't make). I'm happy that he's okay (I called his house but he was at work), but I just feel so lonely and a little hurt from him shutting down so abruptly and completely. I don't want to drive him any further deeper into the cave, but I feel more hurt and stressed by the day...what should I do? How and when will he come out? And how can I be there for him when he blocks me out?

Thank you...

Updates

+1 y

And, by the way, I'm in my mid20s, if that makes any difference; he's early 30s...

Updates

+1 y

THANK YOU to everyone……. from what I understand he's

1. could have handled this more maturely, but 2. I'm also handling it the wrong way...

I agree that I need to talk to him about this-- I've told him many times that I'm one of those people who if you really want to hurt just hold a grudge (i'm the quick to flare up and even quicker to forgive type)... of course, everyone's different...so maybe I should just clam up.

but doesn't it take two people to keep the communication channel open?

[honeyltsme]

I am a littler peeved that your account says 95 and you're mid-20s. Not at you personally, mind you, but at planet Dirt (Earth) we live on where this is apparently necessary.

If the fate of the world rests on the guy's shoulders or he is pushing the boundaries of art or science, two weeks or more is understandable. If the guy is holding up a Joe Shmoe job and having Joe Shmoe caliber career and life concerns, I can't think of anything that would make it necessary to shut out his significant other for two weeks. It begs the question, how significant is the other (you) is/are, really.

Still, I would give the guy the benefit of the doubt, but once he's back on his two feet, I would not be satisfied or move one iota farther in this relationship until I spoke with him and had an utter understanding of why he felt it was necessary or useful to never speak for 2 weeks. "I did not realize it would hurt you" / "I'll never do this again" / "I was stupid, let's just move on" are all cop-outs - say you're not pissed or upset but you do want to see this with absolute 100% fidelity through his eyes and understand how he felt, being totally understanding and on his side.

If he is unwilling to trust you with his innermost rationale, or he has shut you out for two weeks for reasons that can't stand even a casual scrutiny and he knows it - is that really a man that you want to spend the rest of your life with?

[StringofFate]

Yay! I love it when someone types for me. :P Best answer, imo.

[Ellas]

whew... that is harsh. and deep. and definitely food for thought. thank you.

[bodhi926]

sounds like he suffers from depression, or something else is going on, drugs? if I were you I would hold out this time, make him contact you and tell him your pissed, 2 weeks is a long time, but as long as you keep chasing, he will keep running, plus he has control over you. think you need to get to the bottom of this asap, I can see wanting to be a guy for a few days, but that's no reason not to contact you at all. although guys are different in that respect, we don't always feel the need to contact the girl constantly. maybe you contact him too much.

[Ellas]

as long as I keep chasing...he will keep running...

that is a really good point.

so do you think I shut down too?

[toulouse]

dont attribute ihs behavior to something that's normal. if he can't tell you he needs space, & approx how much time hell need--without you guys actually being on break, then he's got problems.

Everyone needs their own space from time to time, but a relationship, should keep that in ind. not be seen as antagonistic toward that need. if he has to disappear on u, periodically, & now for weeks, you guys need to figure out how to make this functional.

stop calling ihm when he's gone. he's gone because he wants to be alone.

he needs to TELL you how long hell be gone, otherwise its no different than him breaking up with u-except you can't sleep around.

if he's taking off more often than you are comfortable with, as part of a relationship woth him, then you may need to re-evaulate if you want to be with him.

its one thing to accept a 10% of a personality you may not like. but this isn't you not liking his behavior, he's turning ihs wanting space, into you being clingy.BECAUSE he's not communicating. he's effectively turning _his_ problem, into _your_ behavior problem. that's co-dependency by the way. his.

id rethink how much you guys really love each other, if he's running away & you're hcasing him. & you guys can't even discuss it openly.

[StringofFate]

Agreed.

[toulouse]

typos.

Mind.

Him.

His.

Chasing.

[Ellas]

"he's gone because he wants to be alone"... well, that phrase sort of hit home.

:)

i agree with everything that you said here.

perhaps I should just cut the chase...and wait and see. I've been happy with him for so long--i guess it's worth a lesson in patience. :o

[toulouse]

Well that's not really what I meant. I mean, yes, don't chase him. but he does owe you some explanation, & you guys should work out a way, he can get space, without acting disrespectful towrds you.

You don't stop mattering, anytime he needs space. W/e curtesy is in place when things are normal, should be extended to when someone wants t be left alone.

[bodhi926]

yes communication is the key, but if he is not willing or ready to communicate, and you sound like the type that needs and wants that in a relationship, then you may want to consider moving on. like I said stand your ground, wait for him to contact you, and when he does, make him wait 2-3 MORE days. I am not one for tit for tat but in this case, taste of his own medicine might do the trick, seriously what if you marry this guy and he pulls this down the road? not a plesant thought to me...just sayin.

[FlaggLives]

It definitely sounds like depression to me. That's usually one of the leading causes that makes people want to go into "hermit" mode for a few days or even a week or two. If it is depression, I could understand that he doesn't want to go out, but at the very least he should stay in contact with you via phone, text, whatever.

He shouldn't just cut contact completely and then expect things to be back to normal when he returns from his man cave hiatus.

[Anonymous]

Do not attempt to get your man out of his cave earlier than he is ready. It just makes him feel like you resent his alone time, and that drives him to stay longer.

Get a life. Take care of yourself. Spend time with your friends. Do not be so reliant on him.

[StringofFate]

I agree and I think it's an important and normal part of being male. But 2 weeks is way excessive.

[toulouse]

the time isn't the issue. or whether or not e has a penis. time alone is reasonable for anyone.

its that he doesn't seem to think it matters that she knows he's gone. if he explained things, thered be nothing for her to be confused about, shed have no excuse to text.

hes prolonging any extra attention he's getting, by being elusive, its not mature adult behavior., its childish,more importantly its disrespectful.

if they are that close& he doesn't consider respect important-then he's got issues.

[Moloch]

I retreat 2 days every week lol. I'm not depressed and I don't think he is either. Just leave him be, he'll come back on his own. You texting him and trying to keep in touch with him will only prolong his 'break'.

[toulouse]

Do you discuss it first? if not that may not be depression, but in a relationship, its not normal.

[Moloch]

I usually just say I'm gonna be by myself a while, see you later.