Boyfriend's friends have been mean & disrespectful:Advice?

[Anonymous]

Sorry this is so long, but I promise I'm not just rambling for no reason :) My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year, and have been very happy and loving toward each other. We've both said numerous times that this is the best relationship either of us have ever had.

He has a group of very close friends- many of them he's known for 15 years or longer- and recently several of them have started lashing out at me. The breaking point was one night when I was out with my boyfriend and 3 of his friends, and one of them (Casey) told me he thought I treated my boyfriend like crap and I'm not good enough for him. Me and my boyfriend left after that because I was starting to cry and the whole night seemed ruined anyway (bf was just as angry, surprised and confused as I was at Casey's outburst. He said nothing like that had ever happened before.) It was really pretty shocking, and even though I know I love my boyfriend so much and try to treat him really well, it made me feel terrible about myself and second-guess everything I've said or done in our relationship.

That happened a week ago, and today Casey sent me an email. He apologized for making a scene but then he repeated that he thinks I treat my boyfriend badly and that maybe the problem is that he just doesn't like me personally. At first I was relieved to see him reaching out and contacting me, but now I just feel put down and insulted again. What is the best way to respond to him? I want to show that I am not a bad person (I'm really not) but I also don't want to open myself up to get trashed again. Advice?

[journeyman1126]

Trust me, from afar, women can be bitchy without even meaning to.

I think of a couple as total neurotic self absorbed pains right now, but I'm not sure...

Yes, inside, we're all still dogs. This is just a bone I'm gnawing on.

Casey is probably suffering from the effects of the grapevine. Maybe your boyfriend said you yelled at him for putting his cigarette out on the couch again. I'm joking, of course. Maybe he dropped an ice cube and didn't pick it up.

So this other friend goes to Casey and says you're always bitching about how your boyfriend treats your place. And in Casey's mind, that means you make him take off his shoes at the door, sit on a towel on your couch, and clean the toilet with a toothbrush after he pees.

Advise the beau if he bitches to his friends it gets magnified in their eyes and you turn out to be one whopping 60 foot tall bitch. 60's movie reference.

[Asker]

Yeah, I can see that. I kinda felt like my bf's friends were watching me, looking for signs that I'm a 'huge bitch' but I thought I was carrying myself well and winning them over (obviously not.) My boyfriend is pretty private so I don't think he's complained about me a lot, but he probably hasn't been bragging about me either so maybe that looks just as bad..?

(I had to Google the movie reference... never heard of it, but 60 foot centerfolds sound pretty cool to me)

[journeyman1126]

Yeah, the incredible 60 foot woman, or something like that. Echoing the underlying fear of the rise of feminism to a dinnertable subject. Y'all used to meet us at home with our slippers and a pipe, and gave us our newspaper when we sat down. See Mad Men.

But those days were bad for the collective soul, and we ended up needing to change the script a bit. Men these days still check to see if a man is henpecked by his woman, though. If he's quiet they've got no choice but to watch your dynamic.

[Red_Arrow]

I think you, along with your boyfriend, need to bluntly ask him what he thinks you are doing that is treating your boyfriend like crap. I definitely would not do it alone, because the conversation would get back to your boyfriend but twisted in the way Casey wants it seen. It will be a chance for you and your boyfriend to understand what is bothering Casey and straighten him out. But realize that he may point out something that is valid and be prepared to discuss that with your boyfriend (you don't have to justify anything to Casey, just correct any wrong perceptions).

Casey may be finally showing resentment at the time your boyfriend spends with you instead of the guys. Or he may actually have a crush on you himself. Or, as he said, he may just not like you personally, but instead of ignoring that, he is making things up to push you away from the group.

[Asker]

I think this is what my boyfriend wants to do, too. He hasn't said so directly, but I know that he is angry and confused with Casey and hurt that their friendship may not be the same for a long time. I think he wants to talk to Casey face to face and get it all out in the open, but that scares me because I don't know if I can handle hearing a bunch of negative, third-party opinions about me and my relationship with my boyfriend. Thank you for a great response, too.

[Red_Arrow]

I think that when confronted, Casey will have a hard time finding anything sensible to say about what he has said, so I doubt that you will have a hard time hearing it. With you and your boyfriend present, the two of you can shoot down most anything Casey has to say, and Casey will have to realize his mistake and correct his attitude, or move on with his life.

[chelseasmellsea]

Jeeez your boyfriend's buddy sounds controlling and selfish! Even if he doesn't like you or doesn't want you to be together, it is none of his business and he has no right to make those comments! Unfortunately something similar happened to me and I had to realize that some people only see things the way they want to and it's pointless to let it get to you. And you definitely can't change them. You could respond by being confident and polite. If you go on defending yourself it's like you are agreeing with him in a way. Or worse giving him a chance to say more hurtful things to you.

[Hal2002]

Could be a simple case of your boyfriend telling his friends he is serious about you, and one of them reacting because he is seeing their relationship change.



When a single friend becomes part of a couple, things change. The fact that you boyfriend is including you in boys night out, is a sign to the others that things are getting serious between the 2 of you.

In a lot of cases with men, when a single friend becomes part of a couple and the relationship gets serious. The single friends become distant friends, as couples start to hang with other couples.

[Asker]

I talked about this situation with a couple of my close girlfriends, and they both said the same thing, that my bf's friends could be threatened/jealous/uncomfortable with the fact that we are so close and plan on being together for a long time. I can understand that, but I can't understand why he wants to tear me down personally.

[Asker]

Also, thank you for your response, it makes a lot of sense and I feel a little better it's not just a problem with me :)

[FastAndFurious27]

He maybe wants you guys to break up with each other so that he can have your Boyfriend back in the "gang".

You and your boyfriend should confront him about it, and ask him what you've done wrong that Casey doesn't like.

If your boyfriend really cares about u, he will trust you over his friend even if they've known each others for 30 years.

And if Casey really cared for your boyfriend, he would let him be happy with you.

And also, don't be sad, your boyfriend is lucky to have you.

Best of luck!

[Red_Arrow]

Thank you for BA