Last night I hit my boyfriend and I feel so terrible an guilty.

[Anonymous]

Last night after a year of many problems with my boyfriend, I lashed out at him and I feel so bad.

For the past year he has been treating me not well but I continue to stay because I do love him and I want to help him also.

He has been for the last year been going at some nights until 8am the next day, not texting or calling at all! He takes various drugs and is a alcoholic, lies about girls a lot!, we have not had a healthy sex life for over one year... list goes on!

But I still love him and I want to help him through this problem but I think last night I blew it.

He came home at 5am drunk and high..expecting me to be friendly, I told him to leave me alone and that I wanted to sleep. He kept saying things in a drunk stupor and pointless things really, he would not shutup so I closed the door. He kept saying things and started to get nasty about me and started swearing things like **** you, and **** off. I was trying to sleep and he has hurt me so I started to get angry. Now I am normally very good at keeping my temper under control but last night I lost it :(

Things got very heated and he was saying so many nasty things such as I'm a whore, and that I'm a bitch. I lost it and slapped him around the face, not so hard but hard enough, He start cursing and would not shut up and let me sleep. Calling me a bitch and a f***ed up person, which is not true at all because all I have done is look out for him and support him in life!

If I'm honest I pushed him away from me pretty hard because he was getting right into my face, calling me a f***ed up bitch and I see that as aggressive behavior. So I pushed him onto the bed and grabbed his d*** and twisted it :( and cos he was wasted all he did was laugh in my face most of the time, and saying how he sees my true colors now, I feel so terrible but so much pain and anger came out last night I lost it. I never wanted to hurt him like that but I think I did because of the hurt he has given me for over a year... so now we are not talking, he is sleeping and I now feel I should just pack my bags and leave... but the problem is I built my life with this man and changed everything for him... Is it best to end this relationship now or is there anyway to save it? I do love him and I feel so guilty about what I did I feel sick to the stomach... any help please?

Updates

+1 y

Thank You for all your advise... will think about it all carefully.. Maybe just some time away would help to cool things off and let him see that I will not always be there

P.S This morning we had a talk and he said that he pushed my buttons on purpose and he was looking for a reaction from me whether it be violent or not.. He was very drunk also and remembers parts of it, I was completely sober. I told him that from this Monday I will stay with a friend for 5 day in the week and him weekends

Updates

+1 y

Also that when I was ignoring him when trying to sleep that is what made him keep going at me because he is also insecure this relationship also. So yeah I think the best is to have some space and see what happens maybe...

[goldgunsgirls]

I know from experience how hard it is to leave someone you love no matter how sh*tty the relationship. But for your sake and his sake you've gotta leave him. The longer you stay with him, the more attached you guys will get to each other, and the harder it will be to part ways later on.

He's abusive to you and to himself. Not only is he a bad example, but he's also hurting you a lot. It's an extremely unhealthy relationship. End it as soon as possible. As tough as it may be for you to hear, there's no hope for this relationship. He's not going to change because of you (it's hard enough to take regular advice from someone close to you, let alone life-changing advice). Plus, the relationship isn't a good one anyway. I know you guys have been through a lot together, probably good and bad, but sometimes it just doesn't work out no matter how long you guys have been together.

End it now and prevent horrible situations down the road. Two nights ago was the start of a possibly increasingly violent relationship. Don't let that happen. It's not going to get better. It's only going to get worse. Yes, you love him. But if you want the best for him, you're going to have to leave him, and by doing that you'll be doing yourself a humungous favour as well.

By the way, although a lot of the time people say they love someone else but it's completely bullsh*t, I can tell that you do truly love this guy. You seem to even care more about him than about yourself. Unfortunately, that's only appropriate for a healthy relationship. Love can be a very dangerous... well, situation. (Love isn't quite an emotion.) Understanding that might help you to persuade yourself to break up with this guy.

Pros of breaking up with him:

-He'll have better chances of changing himself for the better, ending his bad, self-destructive habits (that also harm others), and basically bucking up in general.

-You won't have to be part of an abusive relationship anymore, and you can focus on bettering yourself in other parts of your life. You'll be a much happier person in general.

-In, I'm guessing, a few months to a year, you'll be able to move on to other more respectful guys and healthier relationships with people who will actually care about you as much as you care about them. With any luck, you'll be able to love again. (Just make sure you don't go for the same type of guy as this guy. Try to stick with a cleaner crowd if you want a better relationship.)

Cons of breaking up with him:

-You'll miss him for a while.

In the end, the benefits of breaking up with him highly outweigh the disadvantages. For your sake, and for his, break up with him now before you spiral even further downhill.

Oh, and by the way, don't feel bad about what happened the other day. You got a bit out of control with the d*ck-twisting, but I can't say he didn't deserve it. You were pushed to that extent :/. Plus, it didn't do too much harm.

Message me if you ever want to talk about anything. I'm free anytime.

[goldgunsgirls]

You seem like a really nice person, by the way. You don't deserve this kind of guy. You deserve a lot better. :/

[goldgunsgirls]

Thanks for BA. Again, feel free to message me anytime. Hope things go well for you.

[goldgunsgirls]

Any updates on the situation?

[Asker]

Hey there,

Thanks for your advise it is very enlightning and interesting to see it from that point of view.

We are spending less time with each other and spending more quality time on ourselfs.

I am staying with him 2 nights in the week and the rest with a friend. But yeah I'm just very wary now and trying to get stronger in myself just incase that day comes when I do walk out, But yeah thanks :)

[goldgunsgirls]

Hmm... I still don't think it's healthy at all. I mean, there's clearly a problem if you're only staying with him 2 nights a week and having to stay with a friend most of the time. I can't see the situation mending itself anytime in the future, so I still strongly recommend breaking up with him. But in any case I hope things work out for you.

Let me know if there are any more updates.

[MrOracle]

This is a VERY common story, and here's how it always goes:

You want to help this man, but he isn't ready to be helped yet, and until he is, any "help" you give him is only making his life worse, because it's only extending the amount of time until he hits rock bottom and MAYBE will decide he needs to change his life. 99.9% of the time, people with addictions have to hit rock bottom and lose everything before they start to believe they have a problem. And, yes, sadly, many don't live that long, but ultimately, it doesn't matter. You cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

Women love to find damaged men, thinking that they can "fix" him and that he'll be so grateful that he'll love her forever (it's kind of the female version of the "damsel in distress"). But that almost never works, as in, there's a better chance of you winning the Lotto.

The ONLY thing you can do at this point is leave this guy. I know you love and care about him, but he doesn't love or care about himself, and his disease has taken over his life, and the only thing that is going to make him reconsider is SERIOUS consequences and losses. When he loses his job, his home, his car, his woman, and maybe even his freedom (think: jail), then MAYBE he'll realize that he has a serious problem and will get help. Until then, anything you do will only make it worse for him and for you.

Pack your stuff, leave, and stop "helping" him (which is really enabling him to live in his disease without as many consequences). Start focusing on improving YOUR life instead of his, and find a guy whose life isn't a big mess when you're ready for another relationship, NOT a guy who needs "fixing". As for this guy, the best thing you can do to help him is stay away, and let him feel the loss of you, so he understands that his actions have consequences.

[Asker]

Very wise words!

[Anonymous]

You want help? Leave him.

You want to help him? You can't. He doesn't want your help. He should be able to help himself.

It has been a year and he hasn't done anything to fix himself or the situation. That shoulkd pretty much tell you where you stand with him.

Please get out of the relationship before he hurts you more. You hitting him is your hidden feelings of pain that you keep inside coming out. Seems like this guy doesn't deserve you.

[Anonymous]

alcohol does different things to different people. you will need to excuse his unkind words to you and talk to him quietly when he is SOBER and explain how he hurt you. its possible he may not even recall what he said to you ! if you love him stick with him if not don't ! good luck.

[tswayd]

I think you need to simply leave him. There does not seem to be any hope in changing this. Sometimes I think in a relationship we dramatize everything we do for a significant other when he or she may not see it that way. often then we will get a lot more hurt since we think we are treated unfairly. While the other side doesn't think you were so deserving at first. After an interaction like that that you described I think any plan to change him and make things better is a kind of joke against both of you.

seems more appropriate to go somewhere else and let him handle his own mess. You may say you love him but your anger says otherwise. Just acknowledge that you don't have patience for his behavior and stop fighting to change a seemingly hopeless situation. Hope this helps

[Asker]

Yup insightful information! Thankyou

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you two deserve each other.

And while legally he was saying fighting words (old precedent/law) and the slap might be legally justified, I think shoving him and grabbing his d*** and trying to twist it legally crossed the line from justifiable reaction of fighting words to assault and battery.

If you want to live like that, stay with him, but don't you dare complain about the life you chose.

Or do the hard, but wise, thing. Break up, get your act together, and next time you get a boyfriend, chose a decent one.

[tswayd]

I can see that you love him and care for him, becareful for yourself however and don't let anything too bad happen to you. All for the best

Tswayd

[Blobb]

Don't bother, just ditch him. Unless you want to put up with it longer...