I don't like how my boyfriend treats me. Then, he blames me for being upset. What's really going on?

[Anonymous]

First off, it's really hard to take your own advice you give to others. So I'd like to know what other people think about this situation. I've been with this guy whose from a different background/raised differently than I. In the beginning things were fantastic and I grew to really love him. Towards the middle of our relationship it seemed as if he didn't try to make time for me at all. If I tried to speak to him about it, he just said he's trying but he clearly isn't when he puts me last. I've been in situations where people from his own race were racist towards me and speaking to him about it only lead to him defending them. He said I just misinterpreted what they were saying. Others have told me there is no other way to take it. What those people said to you.. there's one way to take it. There was another situation where he was trying to brighten up my day by giving me compliments and being lovey dovey until he tries to cheer me up by comparing me to his ex's. He told me, I was prettier/smarter etc. out of all the girls he's been with and he ends it with "but I don't really remember their body type so I can't say who has the better body." I was furious. I told him how I felt and that he shouldn't say things like that and he told me I'm upset for no reason. He said how can I be mad when he sat here all day being nice. These are just a few situations we crossed that started a fight between us and in the end he blames me for starting the fight. He blames me for being upset because he did nothing wrong. He never see's how he hurts me or how he doesn't try to understand at least why I feel the way I do. He always has to be right, have the last words, and have a dominant opinion over me. If I don't succumb to him it's me being "unbearable" to him. When I try to speak to him about how his actions make me feel it's considered "unbearable complaining". I really love him but I realize that the way he's treating me is driving me crazy. Now every time he talks to me I'm just annoyed and on edge because that tension of always being wrong, my opinion being invalid, being unable to communicate correctly, and us trying to work it out when I say my side of the story calmly is considered complaining. He's done so much and I forgave him for so much. He says he loves me and never loved anyone like he does for me, yet why does he do this? I know my mistakes and when I catch them I apologize and talk to him about it. He doesn't with me because he doesn't see wrong in himself. He now plays the victim and treats me like I hurt him when in reality he's crushing down on me.His cousin told me to dump him twice, but it's hard because under these circumstances everything else is great.

[narc-slayer]

Everything you have described indicates this person is a narcissist. They are empty emotionless beings who feed off your emotions since they have none of their own. I have been there, the initial love bombing stage is so great they convince you that you are soul mates. Then as time goes by they will then degrade and belittle you for everything they used to love about you. They are experts at making you feel that you are crazy. It's hard to break it off because they swore you were the love of their life, you are better than anyone else out there(ex's ect.). This is a sick and sadistic game these people play. I implore you to get away as soon as possible. They try to convince you that if you try harder they will treat you better, the truth is nothing you can do will please them. Soon all the exgirlfriends he says you are better than will all the sudden be better than you. ie (when I was with my ex, she never questioned me or we never fought like me and you do.) Its so hard, but get away now before you lose everything, including your self respect. Don't try to make him see your point of view or argue with him. These people can not put themselves in anyone else's shoes and view everything as a compitition that they must win. Educate yourself on narcissistic abuse. There are great videos on YouTube about this. I wish you the best.

[talloak]

I don't think he's cruel and trying to help you. But he seems to have a closed moral system. That is, he considers right and wrong on his own terms and no one else has any say in it. That can be okay with people who have stringent moral standards and they rarely hurt others. It's another matter when he uses his code to brush away blame and direct it at you instead.

This is a major dilemma for you. I have doubts that he really does love you but completely on his terms. I doubt he will ever change because that would require giving up his entire code of behavior. If you feel strongly enough that you want to stay with him, you will have to let his dismissals of your feels and reactions roll off of you. You would have to remind yourself each time that this is how he functions and it's not a personal affront against you. You should then seek moral support from others who can help you work through issues without condemning him for ignoring you or blaming you.

If you don't think you could stand that kind of arrangement, you should prepare yourself that it will probably never get better.

[Anonymous]

DUMP HIM!

I can't say this any stronger - you need to dump him! You are putting up with the lowest of the low! Do you like being treated like shit? Why are you playing this song and dance with him? You can end it. Do you think being hurt and belittled by a man is better than being single? Stand up for yourself once and for all and then DUMP HIM!

If you do not dump him then he will ruin your self esteem even more than it already is. You are a grown woman, you have some power and responsibility to take charge of your life by not letting abusive toxic a**holes like him in it. How can a man treat you like this and still be able to have sex with you? That's not right at all. Disgusting behavior.

Everything is not great if you have to deal with his shit even 1/10th of a time.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Put that bytch in his place and tell him to STFU.

[Anonymous]

you shouldn't be together