I don't want to associate with religion, but I don't have a choice
So, my parents raised me in Christianity, and I'm still living with them. They're a little strict, in my opinion. They're always talking about how un-Christian-like other people are being, even if they're family members. They don't believe in having a little fun, and they state that nothing should be said unless it's about God.
They monitor everything so heavily that I can't watch tv, can't play a game, can't even go to the mall without them lecturing me about "God this" and "God that". The more they tell me "this is what it means to be a Christian", the more I hate it.
They have always treated me like something shameful whenever I question what they do or whenever I don't agree. I respect what they believe, but they don't respect my opinion.
So then, why I'm still associated with this?
Well, I'm trapped in their house as I am not old enough to take care of myself, and even if I were, I don't have a job, and they won't let me have one. (But, this is aside from the point and I apologize for rambling.) While I don't agree with what they tell me, I do believe that there is a God, and it is the one in the Bible.
I just don't have the desire to search for my own reason to be a "true Christian" because of all the emotional trauma I have endured on the matter from my parents.
Where do I stand?
I have nothing against Christians, nor do I care what you believe. It doesn't bother me, whatever your religion is. I don't try to beat people over the head for thinking differently, unlike several people I know.
I won't follow anything people try to form me to. And I choose not to accept my parent's teachings because
- I don't agree with it
- I can't give my whole heart
I don't do things half-hearted, so I can't pretend that I'm a Christian. I don't like saying that I'm not, but following what appears to be the actual teachings of the Bible--it makes me feel sick to the stomach, and I don't like it.
Right now, I'm just trying to see what feels right, but nothing satisfies me in any area of religion. I feel best when I don't think about it. It makes me feel more comfortable to not associate myself with any group. It's really stressful and makes me feel sick no matter what religion I'm addressing.
According to the Bible, God hates people who are "luke-warm"
I suppose I'd qualify as a luke-warm person, then. I know the Bible's teachings, yet I don't accept Christianity because of the things I've felt.
What has caused me to decide this? Well, I was often punished when
- I didn't agree with what my parents said
- I voiced that it felt weird to be in church
- I didn't scream prayers in church
- I resented reading the Bible
- I didn't participate in answering "just for fun" Bible questions
- I didn't enjoy celebrating Bible holidays
- I was punished in the usual ways.
And punishments consisted of being spanked, having things taken from me, not being allowed to do things I like, being put in the corner, being given several chores, being lectured, and other usual punishments. None were/are forms of abuse, even though it felt/feels like it, as often as they punish me for the slightest things.
These aren't excuses, but they're my reasons as to why I can't bring myself to try Christianity again, or any other religion, for that matter.