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Thanks in advance for reading this. Seeking opinions about the situation.

My grandma passed away & left money (>$20k) from her pension. She has 5 children, including my dad. After she died, they all had a meeting & agreed to use some of it to cover the funeral costs & give the rest to my dad since she lived with us for 30 years. She had dementia, didn’t leave a will & he was also her next of kin.

The money was used to cover the funeral, but for her urn, my dad suggested that himself & his siblings pay it as a final gift to their mother to honour her & send her into the afterlife. However, his siblings refused & instead wanted to use grandma’s money & divide the excess amount owing. My parents are very hurt as they think it’s a dishonour to grandma & that she shouldn’t be paying for her own urn.

I explained to them at a family meeting today. They agreed to contribute, but stated that because they were now contributing their own money, they want an equal share of what money was remaining from grandma. I asked them why they changed the shares now & they said that because they’re now paying from their own pockets, they expect something in return from grandma. I explained that they shouldn’t do something to expect something in return, or it wouldn’t be a true gift, & that it’s not about the money, it’s just the principle.

They didn’t take it well & accused my dad for conning them of their/grandma’s money & said we mistreated her, treated her like our slave, abandoned her & left her hungry- which were very untrue. They were never involved in her daily care after she was diagnosed with dementia & rarely visited.

Now my parents are paying it all & not taking any inheritance, as they don’t want any leverage against them.

My parents, who cared for my grandma are now in debt & extremely hurt by this situation. All of my dad’s siblings are more than financially stable, so $3k each isn’t an issue for them.
Were my parents being unreasonable?