Is it unreasonable for children to pay for their deceased mother’s urn?

[Anonymous]

Thanks in advance for reading this. Seeking opinions about the situation.

My grandma passed away & left money (>$20k) from her pension. She has 5 children, including my dad. After she died, they all had a meeting & agreed to use some of it to cover the funeral costs & give the rest to my dad since she lived with us for 30 years. She had dementia, didn’t leave a will & he was also her next of kin.

The money was used to cover the funeral, but for her urn, my dad suggested that himself & his siblings pay it as a final gift to their mother to honour her & send her into the afterlife. However, his siblings refused & instead wanted to use grandma’s money & divide the excess amount owing. My parents are very hurt as they think it’s a dishonour to grandma & that she shouldn’t be paying for her own urn.

I explained to them at a family meeting today. They agreed to contribute, but stated that because they were now contributing their own money, they want an equal share of what money was remaining from grandma. I asked them why they changed the shares now & they said that because they’re now paying from their own pockets, they expect something in return from grandma. I explained that they shouldn’t do something to expect something in return, or it wouldn’t be a true gift, & that it’s not about the money, it’s just the principle.

They didn’t take it well & accused my dad for conning them of their/grandma’s money & said we mistreated her, treated her like our slave, abandoned her & left her hungry- which were very untrue. They were never involved in her daily care after she was diagnosed with dementia & rarely visited.

Now my parents are paying it all & not taking any inheritance, as they don’t want any leverage against them.

My parents, who cared for my grandma are now in debt & extremely hurt by this situation. All of my dad’s siblings are more than financially stable, so $3k each isn’t an issue for them.
Were my parents being unreasonable?

Yes, it’s fair

No, this is unreasonable

Can see both sides

[Willlovewinintheend]

First, I am sorry for your loss. God bless you. From what I have heard people usually tell me something like "It was expensive for me, but worth it. But I do not want my kids to have to pay for me when I go. I want to them to have their bills in order, so I am going to save and invest into their future just in case something happens to me", but I am not too similar with this topic.

I think you did the right thing. A lot of people have gone through this and it is expensive. So after they experience it they save up or start investing, so their kids have money just in case. They set up a trust fund and take their financial situation very seriously just because they are scared of their kids having to go through the same thing.

[Anonymous]

honestly, death brings out so much of a family's ugly side
but they were going to cover the funeral and leave the rest with your dad? could you/your parents not take the leftover inheritance and pay a bit towards an urn and then keep the rest yourself?
i also see your side when it's the principle of things and it's awful that they now want part of the inheritance just because they're paying for an urn but are you saying the funeral or urn costs $3k each?