Search Results: can I still get him back

I've known this one guy since HS, I was a freshman & he was a junior (14 years ago). We went to neighbor high schools but were friends on FB. We were really close or so I felt. He was there for me for my first heartbreak my senior year. During that relationship he confessed his feelings for me. After I graduated we hung out a few times at his place never even kissed but we would cuddle. I liked what we had bc I was afraid if we got into a relationship & we didn't workout then I would lose him as a friend too. He meant a lot to me. 3 years passed & I got into another relationship, this one was toxic & I couldnt talk to him much but when my ex & I got into fights I would reach out to him again. I spent the night at his place once too again nothing happened. Then when I was 2 months pregnant I was in a domestic violence situation with my ex & I had nowhere to go so I reached out to him to stay at his place but this time he said no. he was very cold with me. I was so hurt I removed him from socials and didn't speak to him for years. Another 3 years passed & I moved an hour away. He reached out to me wanting to know about my life & if BD was in the picture. He is not. This time he was in a 2y long relationship. I told him I was hurt because he didn't help me when I needed him. he said it was because he was mad at me for being with someone else & having their baby. I mentioned to him I was moving out of state soon so he suggested we meet one last time & said he could drive the hour to me. I said no & used the excuse that we were still freshly into the pandemic. He added me on social media again & then about a year later removed me. I don't know why. So I messaged him & asked if what I posted had offended him, he said no & that was it. But actually it wasn't I figured since that was the end of our friendship I told him I had had feelings for him previously & the reason I never spoke up about it, that I also felt he was all wishy washy with me. (Continued below)

30F and I don’t think I’ll ever shake my core belief that any decently presentable lady has no prob finding a man, a pretty girl well forget about it. I’m very reserved, I’ve always been but was *friendlier* in my early twenties, now I’m borderline antisocial. I always blamed growing up overweight as the reason why I didn’t get attention from guys/wasn’t popular, I lost weight in my early twenties and have maintained my weight loss since (still slim thick). Again, this weight loss didn’t change the attention I got from guys & I was a bit more sociable back then.

I’m told I’m attractive (from all kinds of people for most of my life & not only family/friends) & the only times attractive guys take initiative are on dating apps. And apps are absolute trash as we know, guys I’d find attractive in person have never made it known to me directly. It’s always that RARE occasion where I think one is maybe making eye contact or someone I knew pointed out a guy was looking at me/word of mouth this or that guy found me attractive etc. Then on dating apps, I’d have guys that I initially considered *potential* eventually showing interest in me (asking out etc) after I got to know them a bit more and I just find a way to dip out.

Im so conflicted. I feel invisible & when a guy appeals to me in some way on a dating app (which should be taken with a grain of salt), I just can’t be bothered for whatever the reason is for me at that moment. It’s apathy/anxiety/self sabotage/confusion etc?