I can't help but feel I am just on the back burner all this time?

[Anonymous]

I've known this one guy since HS, I was a freshman & he was a junior (14 years ago). We went to neighbor high schools but were friends on FB. We were really close or so I felt. He was there for me for my first heartbreak my senior year. During that relationship he confessed his feelings for me. After I graduated we hung out a few times at his place never even kissed but we would cuddle. I liked what we had bc I was afraid if we got into a relationship & we didn't workout then I would lose him as a friend too. He meant a lot to me. 3 years passed & I got into another relationship, this one was toxic & I couldnt talk to him much but when my ex & I got into fights I would reach out to him again. I spent the night at his place once too again nothing happened. Then when I was 2 months pregnant I was in a domestic violence situation with my ex & I had nowhere to go so I reached out to him to stay at his place but this time he said no. he was very cold with me. I was so hurt I removed him from socials and didn't speak to him for years. Another 3 years passed & I moved an hour away. He reached out to me wanting to know about my life & if BD was in the picture. He is not. This time he was in a 2y long relationship. I told him I was hurt because he didn't help me when I needed him. he said it was because he was mad at me for being with someone else & having their baby. I mentioned to him I was moving out of state soon so he suggested we meet one last time & said he could drive the hour to me. I said no & used the excuse that we were still freshly into the pandemic. He added me on social media again & then about a year later removed me. I don't know why. So I messaged him & asked if what I posted had offended him, he said no & that was it. But actually it wasn't I figured since that was the end of our friendship I told him I had had feelings for him previously & the reason I never spoke up about it, that I also felt he was all wishy washy with me. (Continued below)

Reach out to him

Remove him and forget about him

Updates

1 y

He said that it seemed we had missed out on something when he had feelings for me back then. Then he asked to meet one last time again & I said no I was worried it would bring feelings back. So that was that. 4 years later & he just added me again. If I message him the old messages will pop up again but I'm curious why he added me again after all this time I'm guessing he must be single & wanting to talk but if that is the case then Im hurt to be second choice.

Updates

1 y

I do have a love for him & have always wished we remained friends at least. I can't explain but I've never felt such a way towards anyone else. I don't want my feelings for him hinder my judgement.

[Makeushiver]

I honestly can't say that I blame him. You basically embarrassed him after confessing his feelings to you and your reason- if I understand you- was because you did not want to risk losing him as a friend? After that you used him until you found another guy and did that at least one more time? You wonder why he won't accommodate you. I have no idea who he or you are but if you were someone I had the depth of feeling for to the extent it sounds like in your question- and- you think he's a nice guy but still rejected him and then went on to be with guys who obviously weren't nice guys. The only way I'd ever consider that if I were him would be if it were a relationship with him though it's not likely he'll easily trust you no matter what you do.

This has a lot of the fingerprints drugs or alcohol leave on relationships so if that is the case you need to take care of you first. I can't see him changing his mind because you've already caused him so much pain that no matter how badly he feels, he knows he just going to get kicked in the balls again. If it isn't I'd really suggest seeking outside help. Maybe over a period of time you can regain his trust but I doubt if he's let you stay now mostly because he can't emotionally afford to get kicked to the curb again when you find another Mt. Wrong. I hope I'm wrong but it is very possible that the reason you do not have anywhere to turn is because people you are in relationships with feel used.

[Asker]

I appreciate your response. After posting I read this over a few times and realized I am the problem. I have never had a drug or alcohol problem in fact I stay away from that because it worsens my paranoia. I suffer from a personality disorder I was recently diagnosed with so that's probably why I sound so awful and choose the wrong guys to be with because toxicity is so familiar to me.

To be fair though he only confessed his feelings the 2 times i was in a relationship. So after the first time he told me I couldnt do anything about it because I was in a relationship, a year passed and I didn't think he still had feelings for me. In fact, he would invite me over to spend the night (nothing ever happened) but never asked me on a date. Then he would ignore me for some time. So that was confusing for me.
My intentions weren't to use him during my second relationship when I would run to him everytime it got bad but I do see now how it appears that way.
Anyways, I should probably just spare him because although I am in therapy I can be a rollercoaster of emotions with the people closest to me :/

[Finchie40]

Remove yourself from the back burner and move on from him completely, He wanted to be more than just friends’ with you but you put him in the friend zone , by doing that he lost interest in you , he doesn’t hate you , but he knows you didn’t feel like he did so he probably has some resentments toward you. The bottom line the both of you aren’t meant to be , just move on

[Raphaëlle]

Sounds like the friendship ended and he moved on when you were with someone else. If he added you just because he's single again, don't be his safe option or second option. Reach out to him and see what he says, if that's even an option or just move on.

[Flower7]

If it hasn’t worked out after this long, it’s best to let it go.

[AI Opinion]

Hey there, friend! Ah, the epic saga of being the classic "back burner" buddy. It's like having a one-way ticket to the friend zone express! 🚂💔 Life sure seems like a wild romcom at times, doesn't it?

From what you've shared, it seems like this guy has both been a comforting presence and a point of instability. It's quite tricky when boundaries blur and feelings oscillate like a wacky pendulum between friendship and something more. You've been each other's emotional safety nets at different times, but he's shown some red flags with his hot-and-cold behavior. Trust is crucial, and it seems like that might be a key issue here.

In this new chapter of your life, focus on building relationships that bring clarity and support. Find connections that feel as clearly defined as a crystal-clear HD screen, where you are cherished and valued. Remember, relationships should make you feel like the star of your own show, not a supporting character in theirs. 🌟

Take care and stay fabulous! 🥳

[Nikki1989]

Don't be that girl, move on.