Why grandparents have the tendency of overstepping their boundaries?

[Anonymous]

I’m currently staying with my parents and my two year old son. My son and I have a night time routine. As we were in bed getting comfortable to end the night. My son was fighting his sleep. So he got fussy. My mom came out her room into my room and says “Come on (Sons name) come and go to sleep with me.” He got up and followed her in the to her room because that’s what toddlers do. If you ask them to do something in a gentle voice they’re gonna do it. I went back to her room and got him because I wanted my son in proximity with me while we slept. Which I have a right to because he’s my son. After going to get him he was more agitated than before because he was now confused because of her prompting him to sleep in her bed for the night and he was still fighting his sleep even as I rocked him and talked to him but I knew eventually he would calm down but my mom wanted to keep coming in the room. She knows if he sees anyone come in the room during the night time when he’s suppose to be going to sleep he’s gonna cry because he then believes it isn’t bed time anymore. So, I set a boundary by simply telling my mom that she needed to stop coming in the room and that I had it. She then tells me “You’re waking up the house by letting him fuss. You aggravate him. He only does this with you.” And it hurt my feelings but it wasn’t true. She was only saying that because she couldn’t control the situation and I simply told her that he isn’t her child and that she can’t control everything. She just kept repeating that I aggravate him. Meanwhile he was calming down and finally dozing off. I’m currently in the process of moving out but it’s becoming a bit much living amongst her and my son in the same space. I need my own space with my son without any interference and the process of me moving out couldn’t happen sooner. I know she’s not doing it with evil intentions but she refuses to listen to me and not overstep.

[ohsheeT]

I hear where you're coming from but if your mom if you want your mom to stop you can't tell her what she's doing in the negative way you have to do it in a positive way because it is positive to a point your son does what he does with her because he knows he can get away with it so she has to look at it that way it's not a negative it's a positive because she's the grandparent and that's what grandparents do

But anytime that you have something going on and your mom tries to help me you can't be negative I mean I understand the reason behind it I had kids I wouldn't even let my sister be around my kids but you have to be able to weigh both sides and you have to understand like you said she's just trying to help. And when your kid gets fussy you have to remember something babies have five different cries five different fusses if you know all five of those and what when the fast starts you take the first one of those fusses and you go with it they each sound I like but a little bit different and you will get in tune with this and you will start to hear that and you will know exactly what your baby wants they're hungry they're poopy their pee they're wet I guess I should say they have a stomach ache or bubbles they're thirsty or their teething but you will be able to tell each one of those sounds each one will have its own little tune and is there gassy lay them on their back take their legs their feet put their knees or thighs push them up to their chest and back down and release that gas but you'll get what I'm saying and then just me everything more easier for you

[D_Bone_Steak]

You have the right idea... you got to get out of there where she can control the child or else that child is going to learn real quick how to get to adults to fight so that they can get their way or at least try to.

While reading all of that, why didn't Grandpa check Grandma's ass on that bullshit? The man's job is to prevent women from being like that. ... that's just a personal opinion of mine. Grandpa should've slapped her in the face and told her to shut up and go to bed.

Slap that bitch!!!

[TheRealPepperPotts]

You're living in their home. That makes it very difficult to set boundaries.

I'd personally compromise and allow it simply for the sake of maintaining the relationship and to get some rest myself. You aren't a bad mom, but I think her stepping in signals something to you that makes you feel inadequate. I've been in those shoes (living w/ relatives) and it's not easy, but this isn't going to ruin your baby. But you are in the process of moving out and then you can set whatever routine you want.

Just say "Mom, I'm sorry. What you did made me feel like an inadequate mom, but I know you just want to help and I overreacted. How about you handle the bedtime routine until I move out so that I can concentrate on this transition?" Just a thought.

[midnightmoon05]

It’s okay… let her take care of him… give yourself some free time to care for yourself.
the day when you move out, you wish you have your mom there to help care for him.
At the end of the day, the kid knows who is mom… no worries… thank you mom for being around …

our mom is older and she wishes she can help with my little sister’s new baby… but too old to help…

we are lucky to have family menders around to help. I’m grateful for that.

[Asker]

I only get to actually lay in bed and go to sleep with my son on the weekends because that’s the only time I’m off. I work overnights all week long and throughout the week he’s in day care and my mom keeps him when he gets out of day care. So, he goes to sleep with her five days out of a week. I use the weekends to switch that up. I get what you’re saying but it’s way more to it than you think. It’s not me simply just not appreciating or accepting help. I do that often but I have the right to want to be close to my son at night considering throughout the week I can’t. So why would she insist she come and lay in her bed for the night knowing I don’t get to do that as often as she does? I know her intentions aren’t negative but I also know she can be controlling. Let’s not forget she straight up said I “aggravate him.” In front of him while I was in the middle of claiming him down. It’s easy to say I overreacted and I just don’t want to be a bad mom but it’s deeper than that. She does this for everything. She always makes me feel like I can’t do a better job of raising him than she can. She even in so many words told me she can be a better mom than me.

[Asker]

Yes, grandparents are incredible but it’s not about that.

[midnightmoon05]

I understand where you are coming from. For now, you are under her roof (control). Therefore she will not respect you. In her eyes you will always be her little girl who can’t do anything right…
Till you moved out and own a house/apartment debt free and has a full time nanny… otherwise you will always need her help.
How long will it take you to get there? (Move out and be able to buy a small condo with all cash?
Mom will be very proud and know you are grown and self sufficient… even then she might still try to control you 😂…
I’m 44 and our mom still tries to control us… when she is not able to she throws a hissy fit 😂… that’s the nature of the relationship.
Our mom is upset because she can’t use anything against us anymore… she used to tried to use her money… but we don’t want/need her money… so she has no control.

You son will always know that you are the mom and he will know that you are not a bad mom… you son will be happier to see that you and grandma can get along… that’s all kids want. Happy family.

[Asker]

Yea. I get that. Mentally I know I’m an adult I make adult decisions. My mom doesn’t wash my clothes, cook for me, grocery shop for me. She doesn’t clock in and work for me lol but I guess even then that’s not enough for her to see me as an adult. I hope to be moved out by spring of 2025 at the latest. I just recently got a pay raise at work with benefits so my plan towards a savings to move out really is just starting. What I was making before, no matter what I was attempting to save wasn’t gonna cut it. I had a slow start but things are coming together financially for me so I’m using that to create more independence and move out. I just wish it could happen overnight but realistically. I know it can’t. I will say I did get a bit too comfortable. I blame that on me. That’s why I’m just now wanting freedom at 28.

[midnightmoon05]

Don’t rush to move out… have a plan. Get you finances together… take advantage while living with mom… I know it’s hard and she makes you feel like you are not good enough… remember… this is temporary…
A yr. , 2 years? I am serious that you can save up to even buy a small one bedroom with all cash… and save up 5-6 months of emergency funds. Pay for day care? School pick up/drop off…? It’s a lot for a single mom… but a couple of years of suffering for a better life…
Don’t look back… about being comfortable… you are starting to realize what you need to do now so go for it. Let mom take care of him the next two years or so… your love for him will never be replaced by mom. 😊
My mother in law used to call my kids her babies … I told my therapist… he said no worries… kids know…
Now my kids and I build a very close relationship… anything … they come to me 😊
When he sees that you two get along he will be happier.
Kids know and see everything…

[petitedollbabee]

Hell knows why they feel entitled to crossing boundaries. My mom oversteps too with my baby, and conveniently “forgets” the boundaries that I've set, and then acts like she’s the victim when I remind her of the boundaries. Sick of it honestly.

[Asker]

It’s tough. I love my parents. My mom oversteps much more than my dad. My dad legit just tries to step in, help and fill in where his father refuses to but that’s it. My mom is much worse and I like I said I know her intentions aren’t evil. They’re pure but it does come from a place of control and her thinking she can raise him up better then me simply because I’m her daughter and she raised me but without realizing that has nothing to do with anything. She didn’t even get everything right when raising me. She fell short. Both her and my dad did. So it’s crazy for her to think she can one up me. What calms me though is me reminding myself that the love and bond I share with my son could never compare to the bond he has with my parents. I notice that. So when she keeps him when I work overnights, I’m secure in knowing she could never influence him seriously. My son makes gestures towards me that I know is only for me. He looks at me with love and not at the extent he may look at my mother with love. I pay attention to things like that it helps me calm down. Her attempt to one up me and have a better relationship with him than me would never work. I believe deep down she knows that.

[MissTrix]

They love shoving Thier nose into my social life too! Like let me be your social life is all the seniors at bingo!

[slippery2000]

Yeah I know how it is. My dad and his wife are quick to try and remedy or attempt to remedy our kids when they're acting up. It's almost as if they have some point to prove or like they want to one up us or show us how it's done. It's freaking annoying and makes me want to cut ties at times.

[Asker]

Exactly. All the other comments are in so many words insisting that I was rude and should just accept help and that I’m gonna wish I had her help when I move out. It’s a difference between me not allowing my mother to help for the sake of my own down time and me recognizing when she’s forcefully intervening and I speak up. I wasn’t rude. I simply said that he wasn’t her child and that she can’t control everything. She was rude to me by saying I aggravate him and that he only fusses with me but I guess that shouldn’t matter because she’s my mother lol.

[Asker]

I think people are to quick to see it as ungratefulness vs just being mentally fed up. This is only a small preview of her acting as if she can handle him better than me.

[slippery2000]

Yeah, don't worry about it. You are correct in setting boundaries for you and your son and you're allowed to be in charge of what you deem acceptable for reward/punishment when it comes to your child's upbringing. If someone oversteps those boundaries then you are allowed to limit their amount of involvement and time spent around your child and you.

[art84]

My nephews used to sleep with my mom when they were little like 2 years old. It was only when they spend the night on the weekends. It was sorta of a habit when my nephews preferred my mom over there mom and my brother.

[Asker]

That’s the thing it wasn’t even that he preferred it. She always comes into my room. When he’s minding his business. Calming down for the night and that sometimes may include fussiness if he isn’t ready for bed. She comes in and says “Come to my room. Sleep with grandma.” And of course he’s gonna come because she’s gentle when she says it and babies respond to that and that then throws him off when I go and get him from her room because now he doesn’t know if he’s going to sleep next to her or me.

[Asker]

Which is why I told her to just stop coming in the room. Why does she have to stick her nose in when we’re in our routine bedtime?

[Asker]

I have to constantly remind her that I have it. I take help when it’s needed but otherwise I’m great at being a mother she just refuses to see that.

[art84]

I guess your mom is just noisey. It's your son so he has to listen to you and do as you tell him for bedtime. He will eventually grow out of sleeping with your mom.

[RHK36]

Doesn't matter because you're in their house. That trumps whatever because how you feel are words you staying there are actions. Hopefully it'll be better when you do finally move out because I get how mentally draining that can be.

[Nikki1989]

Grandparents sometimes idealize their childhood experiences and try to recreate them for their grandchildren. This can lead to unrealistic expectations.

[Anonymous]

Because they don't give af what we have to say, just like when they were raising us. And some of it is dominance. So, I just cut my parents and step parents out of most of their lives.

[Staximus]

That's part of the bum life, you just have to tell her to stop and deal with it until you get your shit together.

[Anonymous]

Grandparents always think they know best. Greatest generation my a$$!😆

https://www.youtube.com/embed/UsVv0IfBfeY

[jahaims]

The parents don't respect their kid