Search Results: more than a friend

It might involve sexual things or it might not and I’d be clear about my intentions from the beginning. Not that long ago he said something that implied he’d date me if he could. That combined with a long flirtatious and semi-romantic history between us and the way I’ve seen him look at me and act with me makes me believe there’s a good chance he’d be with me.

REASONS I FEEL IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA:

• My mom and I saw a movie in which a woman decided to be with a guy despite knowing he’s going to die. My mom said it’s not about how long the connection lasts, it’s about how deep it is. That made me feel like maybe it’s worth experiencing a relationship with my friend even though my ultimate goal is to find someone else.

• A part of me feels like life is short, and I should live in the moment as long it’s not something unsafe.

• I’m afraid that if I don’t take my chance while I have it, I’ll never know for the rest of my life how it feels to truly be with him romantically.

• I want him so badly it sometimes drives me crazy.

• A part of me feels like the reasons for not being with him don’t really matter when I want him so badly.

REASONS I FEEL IT MIGHT BE A BAD IDEA:

• I’ve never had a first kiss or date before and a part of me wants to save those things for a guy I feel more romantic about.

• I’m afraid I won’t be able to not compare the way my future fiancé touches me with the way my friend would touch me.

• A part of me hopes to lose my virginity to someone I’m more deeply in love with.

• Since I’m uncertain about the situation, a part of me feels like a ‘better safe than sorry’ approach is best.

I tend to find a lot of people irritating therefore avoid them. I think people can tell when I don’t want them around me.. I hate it when strangers come into my personal space, touch me or if I can smell their bad breath or hygiene issues. I think I have more of an issue with this than most people do.
I also don’t see much point in talking to someone unless I can get something out of them or I really enjoy their company like I find them interesting etc. Whenever I’ve had friends, I’ve noticed I drink too much at the pub and completely dominate the conversations, I like the attention all on me.
I always feel sort of numb, bored or maybe depressed. but I also ruminate and stress very easily, leading me to feel like I have to control situations or avoid them. If I have to work in group activities at university, I zone out and can’t concentrate because I find it overwhelming and don’t see the point of contributing unless I’m the leader however I’d still much rather sit back and do nothing or just do what I’m told to do etc. I used to get very good grades at school without much effort… now I’m struggling and scraping by with passes at uni because of poor time management and having random special interests distracting me.

I also feel the need to be somehow better than others.. this is why I like being a musician… a lot of the people on my uni course can’t play their instruments that well and I feel superior to them because of that.. however I feel upset if they do better than me in assessments. I also get massive anxiety if I feel like I won’t perform well, but if I know my parts well I get a bit egotistical … even as a kid I loved the attention from performing and playing instruments. I also love getting positive attention from lecturers and even seduced one and had sex with them to sort of “test” if I could win him over, but at the same time I was also very infatuated with him for no logical reason at all. I think I wanted to see how far he would go with me.