Sticks and stones and break my bones, but words will hurt the most.
I was emotionally abused when I was younger. In my freshman year of high school, I met this guy without knowing what I was getting myself into. It started out good, and I thought he would be mine forever. How wrong I was. I was naive, and I didn't know how cruel the world could be.
My dream guy became emotionally abusive, and would accuse me of cheating constantly. He would have these episodes where he would threaten to kill himself. Not knowing how deceiving the world could be, I would fall right into his trap, and we would be good again. That is, until he thought that I was cheating again, and the cycle would continue.
Over time, his behavior became worse, and he would do the same thing...over and over again. That is, until I finally realized how manipulative and controlling he was, and how he was doing this to control me. I wanted to leave him, and I believed it would be easy. Oh boy, was I so very wrong.
I tried to leave the first time, and this was the very first time that I felt the sting of his words. His words were cold, heartless, and cruel. He would call me some of the worst things imaginable. Not just your average "whore" or "slut", he would stay things like : "You're disgusting... I'd rather stick my dick into a swamp." or "You look like a fucking dog"
Those words legitmately stung like daggers into my chest. And it didn't stop, if I did something to piss him off, the verbal assault would grow worse, and worse. It got to the point that I would stay up night after night, not being able to sleep because those words became tatooed in my mind. I cried for hours, days. I felt so low.
I kept it to myself. I didn't want to tell anybody that he was doing this to me. I thought that it didn't matter, that I was overreacting. It would only matter if he was physically abusing me. I kept silent, scared of what would happen if I told an adult about this abuse.
I didn't eat, I didn't sleep. I felt an absolute mess for nearly a year. Everyday his words would get worse...he would do acts to get me to stay. I couldn't bring myself to leave him. It would be my fault if he actually killed himself, right? So, I stayed with that fear slowly eating away at me.
After a big argument he left me. I was sad, and I cried about it. He never wanted to see me again, and it was all my fault. I tried everything I could to see him again, but he wanted nothing to do with me. I should've felt free, and relieved, but I didn't. I cursed myself because he harmed himself. I never felt the same.
After the drama, he took to YouTube, and he made a hate song about me. I never watched it, because I didn't want to be reminded of the tourture he put me though. Those scars...they never went away. Everything I did to forget about it, they never left me.
I still felt sluggish. I lost my appetite. I had very low self-esteem. I still experienced nights where I couldn't fall asleep. Those words, they never left my memory. They were stuck there, like a tattoo, forever. Permanant.
Down the road my mother took me to the doctor to find out what was wrong with me. They diagnosed me with chronic depression, which was weird to me at the time. I couldn't be my past relationship...could it? Yes, it was. Emotional abuse is serious.
What I've found out from this traummatic experience is that emotional abuse can be just as bad, if not worse than being physically beaten. While scars and bruises can heal, words can stay with you forever. They can cause issues down the line that can take years to heal.
A study done by reasearchers can back this up. Emotional abuse is real and damaging.
“Given the prevalence of childhood psychological abuse and the severity of harm to young victims, it should be at the forefront of mental health and social service training,”
Researchers defined emotional abuse as care-giver or partner inflicted bullying, terrorizing, coercive control, severe insults, debasement, threats, overwhelming demands, shunning, and/or isolation.
Investigators saw that children who had been psychologically abused suffered from anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, symptoms of post-traumatic stress, and posessed suicidal tendencies.
The cruical finding was that the residual trauma after psychological abuse occurred at the same rate, or in some cases, at a higher rate than children who were physically or sexually abused.
Issues such as depression, general anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, and substance abuse occurred more often after psychological maltreatment, than physical or sexual abuse.
When psychological maltreatment accompanied physical or sexual abuse negative outcomes far exceeded what was found than when children were sexually and physically abused and not psychologically abused.
Moreover, sexual and physical abuse had to occur at the same time to have the same effect as psychological abuse alone on behavioral issues at school, attachment problems and self-injurious behaviors.
“Child protective service case workers may have a harder time recognizing and substantiating emotional neglect and abuse because there are no physical wounds,” said Spinazzola.
“Also, psychological abuse isn’t considered a serious social taboo like physical and sexual child abuse. We need public awareness initiatives to help people understand just how harmful psychological maltreatment is for children and adolescents.”
Almost three million U.S. children experience some form of maltreatment annually, predominantly by a parent, boyfriend or girlfriend, family member, or other adult caregiver, according to the Children’s Bureau, part of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.
The American Academy of Pediatrics in 2012 identified psychological maltreatment as “the most challenging and prevalent form of child abuse and neglect.”
A year after this experience, I am still fighting depression. I've been working hard to overcome it, but it's been tough. These words still hurt the same a year after they were said. I'll never forget them, I can only bury them and move on. It will be tough, but I will be storng and get over this hurdle in my life.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"... it's a absolute lie. You aren't doing harm by putting someone down with your words? Think again. Words hurt just as bad is getting punched in the face, and damage can do havoc on your brain.
Sources:
Emtional Abuse is Far Worse Than You Think
American Psychological Assicioation
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