My BF's little brother just died suddenly, I don't know what to do... Can you help me, please?

[Anonymous]

He was dropped off Friday by his best friend who explained everything to me. I'm scared for him, I really am. I haven't heard him speak a word since. We sat him on the couch and he's been there ever since. He'll shift position occasionally but never leaves the couch. I can't get him to talk, eat, sleep...this means he hasn't eaten since lunch on Friday and it's late Sunday night! I don't know what to do...

He has struggled from depression in the past but he hasn't been on pills in ten years...he even tried suicide when he was 15 from what I've heard (he's 28 now)...would his past struggles effect what he's going through now? Is it possible to be prone to depression and suicidal thoughts even after you're cured?

Please don't say he should be hospitalized, he's a very sensitive person, how could I possibly do that to him? I'm afraid that I'll have to but I don't know if I can! I just don't know what to do. Could I get a psychiatrist to come over to our apartment? Or maybe even a normal doctor to see what's up? I'm so scared for him, please help

Updates

+1 y

I'm worried about the hospitalization thing because I was talking to some of my own friends and they all seem to think that since he's tried suicide as a solution in the past he'll do it again. They think I should have him taken away asap so they can protect him but...I can't do that to him. I just can't.

[Hidden_P]

I've had a brother pass away as well, it's a very very difficult thing to go through. Everyone acts differently, to be honest it sounds like he's in shock and denial. He's probably remembering everything to do with his brother - growing up with him, him as a child, the good times, the bad times, last words, his last few hours, even his last meal... he might not feel ready to talk about it because you're head is a huge mush, words aren't really there. All you feel ready to say is the minimum, and when you do something it's like "my brother will never watch his favorite show again".

If I were you I would let him have a bit of time on the couch - I know it sounds awful but a few days of not eating won't kill him. Start doing little things for him, I would say make his favorite meal but it's probably going to result in "my brother will never have his favorite meal again". Encourage him to start eating but don't make him.

I would consult a doctor as well - if he has a history of depression, speak to the doctor, explain a dramatic event has happened and you want to know what the best thing to do is. Whatever you do, do not force your boyfriend into doing anything. His emotions are raw and irrational right now, I know it's so hard but if you lose your temper or try and take too much control he's more likely to lash out at you. Perhaps you should sit down with him and ask him if there's anything you can do and if he wants to speak to anyone about what's happened.

For the time being, I would avoid doing cliche things like going through the photo albums with him. If he's deeply in shock, he's more likely to walk away from you and possibly mindlessly hurt himself. Maybe just put the TV on, sit with him, don't smother him with hugs but just hold his hand and gently remind him you're there for him. At a time like this, you don't think straight and having someone think for you makes you feel like you're more screwed up than you want to admit.

Sorry I can't be more help :/ Best of luck to you both and I hope he starts to see that yes it's horrible his brother has died but his brother is in a better place and his time on Earth was valued greatly.

[andizta]

Great advice

[Hidden_P]

I only just saw you gave me MH, thank you so much.
Was my advice helpful? X

[Hidden_P]

And thank you @andizta

[Anonymous]

Sit by him. bring him food. Let him lean on you. be the comforter. Whisper simple truths to him as he sits. "I love you, your family loves you, God loves you, you will get through this" I am so sorry that this has happened. Pray (if you are the praying type) fervently, with all your might. God makes hard decisions sometimes, and no one knows why, but trust me when I say that something good will come from it. If it helps him, pray aloud. Hold his hands and show him that it is alright to start living again, that God didn't do this to hurt him or his brother, but he allowed a tragic event to happen for a reason. God will never take something from you if he doesn't have something even better to replace it with.

Psalm 30:5

Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit

Matthew 5:4

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

1 Corinthians 15:52-57

“In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed. For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality. O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”

I'll be praying for you all.

[selfishstars]

Honestly, his brother JUST DIED. He's probably in a state of both shock and mourning. That's okay. If my brother died, I imagine I'd act very similar.

If he has a history of depression, then yes, he probably is more prone to falling into depression. Be there for him, keep an eye on him, let him know you're there to listen if he needs to talk, encourage him to eat... but also give him some time.

As far as a doctor is concerned, where I'm from, a person will only be hospitalized (concerning mental health) if they are considered to be a threat to themselves or others. However, being considered a threat involves more than just being depressed, or even thinking about suicide. They have to actually have a plan or have made an attempt.

You can suggest to him talking to someone else about it, like a doctor, but it will be his decision if he wants to. I mean, even if you could get a psychiatrist to come to your apartment (I don't know any that make house calls though, except maybe in a crisis situation), that doesn't mean that he would talk to the person... and I suspect that he wouldn't.

If you want, you could also try calling either a suicide hotline or a grief/bereavement hotline and see if they may be able to give you some advice or resources.

[nvestan]

I experienced a bit the same thing last year when my family member died. I was in shock, could not believe of what had happened, and isolated myself from everybody. Tried to date with a girl before the event but then only called back in 3 months. So it can take time. But he will be able to speak in some time a month or so. I was able to speak about my loss in a 6 - 8 months. I did heal from it with the help of my that time girlfriend. So, be around him, he might not be able to speak for some time. But for you being around him is a big advantage for him to cure and move on. especially when he will need to talk to somebody.

[Pebyron]

You never heal

It just gets easier to deal with the pain

[nvestan]

Well yes, you just learn to live with that. In a "new" reality without that person. But I was reminded of my loss when my neighbor died in accident, and became a bit distant and negative in my relationship with my (now ex) girlfriend. Which at some point caused a bad breakup, she had the needs which I didn't fulfill. So it very good that you are being around him and help him.

[mrallen]

Tell him you're there if he needs to talk about anything, but without nagging him about it. Getting him to a doctor (or a doctor to him if necessary) is a really good idea. Someone who is trained could have some good ideas of how best to help. Even if you can't get a doctor to come, you could go see one yourself to ask for advice on the situation.

[Darkfairie17]

My boyfriend lost his brother in the summer. I can't even imagine what he went through and is still going through. I have never lost anyone that close to me before. What I did was just be there for him. Don't smother him with attention, everyone is different. Some people will talk, others will be quiet and grieve on their own. Best thing to do is to just be there for him, but don't force him to do anything.

I would contact a bereavement group. Ask them what the best way to deal with the situation is. They may even suggest you attend a meeting, then you could talk with people who have had similar loses and give you some advice. Definitely also seek the opinion of a psychiatrist or therapist because he has tried suicide before and has a history of depression. But he did just lose his brother. There are different stages in grief, it starts off as disbelief, then shock and so on. So he may not even really comprehend what happened.

Everyone grieves differently, the best thing to do is let him stay on the couch for now. He won't starve, but maybe offer him some water. My boyfriend spent lots of time with his family after his brother died. But again, everyone is different. Some people like to be alone when they are grieving. Best thing to do is not try and coax him into talking about it with you. Let him come to you on his own.

[safou]

Oh my God GIRL! his little brother died a few days ago not even a week ! how the hell do you want him to eat , sleep or talk , his wound is still open , its still too early for a doctor , he only needs you ,and be there for him if you take him to a hospital or a doctor he will hate you for it , poor guy his brother just died its not easy ! give him some time to grief for his brother , don't leave him alone , show to him how much you love him , everyone is going to die eventually if its not today then its tomorrow no one is immortal

be patient;

I pray for god to be with you ,

am sorry for your lost

[Asker]

He collapsed last night and had to go to the ER...am I allowed to worry now? Just because I want him to eat doesn't mean I expect him to not care about his brother's passing on.

[safou]

Honey , what I wanted to say that its normal he acts that way he is lucky enough to not have a heart attack ! I've lost family members and I've seen people lost there loved ones believe me its not easy at all , some had heart attak , and some got just crazy ! so for your Boyfriend its normal specially his little brother , younger brothers havve a special place in our heart! please don't get me wrong , and don't be mad at me am just trying to help ! be with him and be patient ,

again very sorry ,

[Asker]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get snippy, that isn't like me...I've just been a real emotional wreck lately. Thank you for the help <3

[CrystalMinds]

Handling a loss of someone so close to you is immense. Everybody needs time to let it heal and deal with the loss, and everybody does that in his own way. Some people go out party, drink, do drugs, get wasted and do stupid stuff. Other people just break down, can't stop crying, isolate themselves, ... everybody has his own way.

The fact that he had mental issues in the past doesn't mean he has to be institutionalised now. It's an immense feeling he has to deal with now and the fact that his mental health wasn't always that good, might be a reason why he deals with it in a certain way.

Just be there for him, tell him that you're there for him if he needs anything or if he wants to talk. Keep him company and just let him grieve about it.

[CrystalMinds]

As for the suicide thing: "he did it before so he'll do it again", that's not true, seriously!

People change, people change the way they cope with feelings/events/losses/...

It could've been that he saw suicide as a solution back then, doesn't mean he'll see it the same way now.

It's okay to worry about it, everybody would, but let him handle things his own way.

Seeing that a loss of someone near to you causes so much pain could change his mind about doing it, so he won't do it. You know?

[confuseddotcomgirl]

am I right in thinking his brother only died a few days ago? if so this behavior is normal. my dad died suddenly when I was 15 and for a few days I was in complete shock. it didn't feel real - as if you're in a constant dream land and not really in real life. I think you just need to be there for him and let him know you're there for him. sit with him, hold his hand (not so much what you say, more what you do). hospitalization is the wrong thing to do. he needs time to adjust and accept it and dragging him off to scary places with people he doesn't know will not help. he needs loved ones like you and his family around him. so just be patient and be there for him, that's all you really can do. if he start showing signs of serious depression (I say serious depression because depression is completely normal when something like this happens) seek help from a professional. just show him love. hope this helps :)

[Anonymous]

Firstly, depression can't be "cured". Though someone may no longer feel the effects of it, it's based upon minor differences in brain structure which can't be altered.

You need to understand that different people deal with things in different ways. Give him time.

Let him know you're there for him from time to time, but never pressure him to talk. Give him the space he needs.

Make him snacks, take him drinks. Tell him you're worried about him.

If it persists he's going to need to talk to a doctor, suggest to him that maybe going back on the meds will help.

See if you can get a doctor out to the house rather than making him go in.

Though personally I'd give that another few days yet - after all, it wasn't even a week ago..

[martyfellow]

Start with a doctor, and see what the doctor's advice is. If you can't get a doctor to come, drag him to the office if you have too. More than anything, he needs people to show they care about him now. Even if it's 'tough love.'

[angelwithin]

I'm so sorry for his and his family's loss.

he needs time to realize what's just happened. he's still in shock.. it was his little brother after all. just be there for him, the best thing he needs right now is you by his side -- not pills, not doctors, not any type of meds. he needs you and his family together.

[jokersgirl]

don't take him to the doctor, he's not a pet. He's quiet because he's trying to cope with what happened. He may be going over everything in his head and just doesn't know how to express himself yet.. I know if I had a close family member die, I'd prob be in bed for weeks.. just give him time and let him know you're there for him.