Apples 2019 keynote for you in a nutshell

1. A subscription mobile gaming service.

You basically pay 5 bucks a month for mobile games that may have been for free in the store otherwise but they slap renowned developer names on them so it's definitely worth it, trust me. also demos usually show a unrealistically good preview of things. the previews they showed here were underwhelming so you can only guess how much the service is gonna suck.

2. Another Netflix like video streaming service with exclusives that nobody asked for.

Moving on.

3. The revolutionary new iPad.

Opposed to it's predecessors now can... just kidding it's just another iPad. oh wait there IS news. they have a groundbreaking new "smart connector" which looks like usb C that has been used in other devices for 5 years but good on you apple... i bet they somehow cripple it so you can only use apple shit with it.

4. New apple watch.

It now has an always on display and therefore can fulfill the job of the regular watch it was meant to replace for "almost" an entire day on one charge... but you didn't need to know that. you were already getting your credit card ready before i told you didn't you?

5. The new iPhone for poor people.

Rejoice. it can barely keep up with what the competition has to offer now with a shocking 1 (in words one) hour more battery life than the last iPhone... i can't even fathom the impact of that improvement. at least they realized they can't sell a "budget" phone for 1000 bucks anymore (it's 699) so i guess you could say they learned. they're still using the lightning port though, cause you can bet your ass they're not skipping on the 5 bucks fee you pay them for every cable or adapter you buy. of course they also didn't drop the notch like even cheapo china brands do because you're a peasant if you buy this phone. go and buy the 1000 bucks premium iPhone or suffer a phone that looks like a 2016 Chinese knockoff.

6. The new iPhone for people who actually can afford iPhones.

Psych! you still get a notch you moron. what? you think you would get anything worth mentioning for 300-400 extra bucks? dream on. i can't believe they didn't slap 20 lenses on the back of that but they just altered the setup so much that you definitely need to buy a new case. you get an industry standard screen that they advertise as the "best display apple ever made" (which is true but not outstanding by any means cause Sony made one twice as good) and that's pretty much all she wrote.

Look the logo was improved more than any of their products xD
Look the logo was improved more than any of their products xD

You think any of that is worth its money? I don't.

Apples 2019 keynote for you in a nutshell
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