Well Guys, February 14th is nearly upon us...upon you. If you've been anywhere since January first, you'll have noticed that boxes of disgusting variety chocolate packs, and giant stuffed bears, and miles and miles of sappy cards all in red, white, and pink have festooned every store within a 20 mile radius of you. And what of it? Why "must you" participate in this annual ritual that seems to be quite honest, a lot of a little bit lopsided in who should be expressing their love to whom.
Why do we even celebrate such a day in the first place? Do you know a girl who needs a slap of the flesh? See the video about the origins of Valentine's Day.
No, but seriously, here is how you should go about handling your Valentine's Day
1. Valentine's Day is 98% about women and 2% about men (percentage numbers may or may not be made up)
2. It does tend to cost a little bit of money (a lot...it costs a lot of money, who are we kidding)
3. If you are of the f--k it variety, "I'm not going to be forced to celebrate some commercial BS I don't believe in," then don't, but be in a relationship with a girl that feels the same way.
4. Valentine's day is not just "some day," to some girls. For some this might as well be birthday number 2. Know that, if you are of the #3 variety, but the latter does not apply to your relationship, it will not end well for you.
5. Making at least some effort to squeeze a smile on your girls face with some flowers, or a night out, will end well for you.
6. If you've been doing to grunt work for years on V-day, and you want in on the action, try asking your girl to surprise you for a change or literally spell out what you want. In your argument throw your hands around dramatically. Say words like: fairness, equality, feminism, that thing I like that you do and want you to do more of, damn it!
7. When she laughs and rolls her eyes, and she probably (definitely) will, stop gesturing and look her directly in the eye and take on a serious tone in your voice. Say, "is this, you know, funny? Is me wanting to sometimes experience back the same efforts I enjoy putting in the relationship for you like a joke to you?"
8. Your girl looks shocked. She didn't think you were being serious. Your stare and silence begins to unnerve her. She stutters, she tries to back track. "No babe, no, like honestly, if this is some kind of big deal, and you want me to, I will, geeze."
9. "No," you say to her, "I don't just want you to do these things because I asked. I want you to want to do them on your own...on Valentine's Day...without me having to ask you or (sigh dramatically)..beg...you." Look genuinely hurt.
10. Your girl stares at you. You know she's thinking where the absolute f--k is this coming from. He's never seemed to care about Valentine's Day before. This is her day, it should be about her. She wants to get the argument back on her side. You ask her, "I'm just as important to you, right?" She pushes her neck back like she's ready to get defensive, but she catches herself. You watch the confusion spread across her face from ear to ear. "Babe," she says, "I mean like, we can go to that restaurant you like, I guess."
11. "You guess!" you say flabbergasted. Begin to pace around the living room. Your voice should begin to rise just a bit..."I don't want to go out to eat! That's not what I want! That's what you want, and that's fine for you babe! For me babe. Look at me. For me Babe, all I want is to come home and relax on Valentine's Day and not have to be on some stupidly long wait list for a table somewhere for some food that isn't all that good anyway. That's not what our relationship means. We are so much more than that."
"I want to not have to go crazy to prove to people who don't even know us and what we've been through, that we love each other. 'We' love each other. I love you babe, and you me. We're enough. We are. Not some stupid card, or teddy bear. Chocolates didn't hold your hair back when you were sick last month. A card doesn't call you to make sure you made it to the hotel safely for your work thing. That's me, and you babe. All I want is to be here, at home, with my girlfriend/wife in her arms (*coughs, watching tv, playing video games, eating stuff)! on Valentine's Day. That's it. This (make a giant circle of the two of you)...this is us." Pause. Look her in the eye. Gently grab her, kiss her deeply. Kiss her deeply again. Then whisper in her ear: "thank-you," and slowly walk off.
And...that ladies and gents, is how you get to do nothing for Valentine's Day. You're welcome.