1. The Hater
Motto: "This is a bullsh*t holiday!"
Their MO: According to them, everything about V-day has been cooked up by some card company in order to destroy the patriarchy. They've already told anyone who would listen that no one needs 'a day' to celebrate love and only losers rent hotel rooms, or go to heart themed parties, or try to do stuff for others on this day.They cannot wait until the stupid day is over so they can stop being bitter about Valentine's day, and move on to being bitter because it's a Monday, or Hillary Clinton, or the sandwich guy they swear has a vendetta against them.
2. The Lover
Motto: "I love you, you love me"
MO: They love everything about love and Valentine's day is the Olympics of their feelings. They are the Jehovah Witnesses of the holiday who will find you, will knock on your door, will give you a lecture about the true meaning of love until they break you or you're finally able to make a mad sprint for the bathroom. Each year they hand craft their own baskets filled with cards, everyone's favorite candies, freshly baked cupcakes, and funny love quote balloons. Their entire office, their significant others, the mailman, their kids teachers, and random strangers can say with certainty that if they do not receive something from this person, "the lover" must clearly be ill.
3. The Broken Heart Temp
Motto: I don't need anybody...this year
MO: Freshly out of a relationship, they suddenly hate Valentine's day. Despite them loving it when they had someone last year, this year, it's totally stupid because you know what, they don't need a wo/man. Relationships are stupid. They are going to be f*cking happy and single and there is nothing that can get in front of the power they feel from that. Buy them flowers, NO! They buy their own flowers. Take them out, NO! This year, they'll do take out and BE HAPPY about it! And yeah, f*ck their ex...but you know in the off chance s/he calls, you know, maybe they'll answer or something because it's rude not to, right?
4. The Married Couple
Motto: Is it Valentine's Day?
MO: V-day was fun when they were dating, and before they'd put a ring on it, but now, 2 kids later, full time jobs, a lot on their plates, it really is "just" a day on the calendar. The thought of having to get dressed up, or go out, is a thousand times less appealing then staying in and just watching whatever series they haven't yet caught up with on DVR but (loooooooonnnnnnnngggggggggggg siiiiiiiiiiigggggggghhhhh) if they must, for the sake of getting a break and dumping the kids off with someone else for the night and being able to use a sweet groupon, they'll do something local.
5. Your Mom
Motto: My kid is NEVER too old for this (or any other) holiday
MO: You might be a grown man or woman, but your mom or grandmother still takes her time cultivating a huge basket of love day goodies for her favorite little love muffin. She doesn't care that you also pay a mortgage now, you're never too grown for her love. When you get that sugary sweet basket, or her card, or the delivery of flowers made out of fruit (because that's so hip) right on time, you better call her and let her know how much you love every single item she's picked out for you...or else.
6. The Buffet
Motto: I'm here for you, and you, and even you
MO: For this person, there are a lot of desperate and/or broken hearts out there and they are just the man or woman to help these people solve their problems, if only for one night. At the bar, at the cheesy V-day party, offering to listen to your problems with your ex, they've got you. They know you're vulnerable and your standards are dropping by the hour or the drink because they also know you just want someone for comfort so you can tell all your friends, you didn't go home alone that night, and they are all too happy to oblige, but calling them the next day you'll probably find a disconnected number. Alternatively you are on the other end, and just utterly desperate and don't even mind the cheesy lines, or any list of standards you might have once had.
7. The Magicians
Motto: Today is going to be absolutely perfect
MO: Forget about this day?!? Are you kidding. They've been planning for it for weeks. This is the day that the stars in the universe will align and they're going to get down on one knee, or tell their hubby they're pregnant, or surprise their SO with a dream trip, ask someone out on a first date, or say the L word. No mountain is high enough, no river wide enough to make their SO's dreams come true. These are not regular people who go to regular restaurants and eat regular peasant food. They get permission to shut things down, fly cross country, buy every flower in the shop, and know someone who knows someone who knows 10 other someones who makes things happen. Come tomorrows internet newsfeed, the world will know how impossibly and ridiculously high they've set the standard.
8. The Sadness
Motto: one is the loneliest number
MO: Their playlist for the day includes top hits like, "Wake up Alone (Chainsmokers)," "Lonely Day (System of a Down)," "Unbreak my Heart (Toni Braxton)," "Black (Pearl Jam)," "Everybody Hurts (R.E.M)," ""Not Gon' Cry (Mary J. Blige)," and "Yesterday (Beatles)." Put these people in a nice soft room with no corners and do NOT give them alcohol or attempt to make them feel better as their disease of the heart is highly contagious if exposed to it for too long.
9. The Smug Mugs
Motto: I once was lost, but now I'm found
MO: Be prepared to roll your eyes because you know what's great about being this couple...being them...as a couple. They like to remind everyone who's clearly a loser single that they're going to die soon of a broken heart if they don't find someone like they have who is perfect, the only reason for living, and whom they will make out in front of you for the 3rd time in 5 minutes. Their desk or their locker is slathered with the trappings of the day: biggest bouquet of flowers, giant life size teddy bear, several boxes of chocolate, oh, and right on time, here comes their singing telegram. Either this is real, and they're lording it over you to make you jealous or to just plain show off, or they are actual singles deathly afraid of even appearing lonely who want to make it seem real by ordering all the stuff for themselves to make people believe the lie that they desperately want to.
10. Middle Earth
Motto: I'm not going to not say no to some V-day candy
MO: They remembered that it's Valetine's day, but they're not going to mention it to anyone in particular. If something magical happens for this person today, so be it, but if not, everything is cool. They're not going to buy bears with hearts or sappy cards for anyone, but if they get them, they're thankful, but not like overly so. They're not dating anyone but they're open to it. They don't feel the crippling weight of loneliness on this day but they aren't exactly "I don't need anybody in my life ever" either. They're not going to buy tickets for the Valentines bash but if someone has a free one, they're open to going.