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Why We End Up With Jerks
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While messaging a good friend on here regarding relationships, I recalled a memory of being a lonely book worm whom no one wanted to date in High School. Come to find out after graduation that several boys liked me and didn't step forward to let me know, fearing I was too studious and not interested in dating.
And there I had been, feeling like the ugly duckling all those years. What those guys didn't know is that I would have given anything to be asked out on a nice date. What they also may never know, is how I blossomed and flowered when love gave me a chance.
This is why it is starting to grate on my nerves a bit over the constant lamentation that there are just no good "guys" or "women" out there. I think our perceptions of what denotes good are a bit skewered. Even men who denounce women for not wanting nice guys will drool over the Pamela Anderson bombshells and get pissed off when she doesn't respond to his "type."
Can the nerd get the beauty Queen? Sure. Does it happen often? Not very, and to be honest, said nerd may later feel as if he has bitten off more than he can chew as he tries to please his high maintenance "acquisition"
I think the problem lies in the idea that we tend to look for "prizes" and not mates. We want not only the spiritual ideal but the physical one as well. While physical chemistry is of the utmost importance (I certainly won't belittle this aspect), I believe the problem lies in that we don't seek to try to alter what we are attracted to once we realize it is bad for us. For example, a woman who chases after a rakish player time and time again, starts to think that all men are dogs. No hun. The men you are choosing are all dogs. If you chase after men who have games to sell, then by and large, you will be played.
Likewise, a man who chases after skinny succubus's, as one male poster on here coined, you will start to think that all women are money grubbing manipulators. No. It is the nature of the beast you chase. Find quarry in another field and you may uncover better and more diverse types of animals. Hard lesson learned on my end. Since I am a musician and artist, I initially felt I had a leg up on my choices in men. They weren't jocks, but intellectuals, mostly musicians (I know, I know). I felt because I was choosing creative "thinker" types I was ahead of the game a bit in romance.
What I found was a different type of game player. But I kept falling into the pattern of dating these men. Then I came across a quote that rang so true that it made me take a two year sabbatical from dating... "The truest form of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
For years I kept saying, I dunno, I am just attracted to these types of guys. I never sat down and explored the "Why". When I examined my choices I started to realize a pattern and, as cliche as it sounds, most of these guys were like dear old dad, fun charming and totally irresponsible. I took some time off from relationships to work on myself, find out what I wanted and reevaluate my relationship goals. When I reemerged onto the dating scene it was with different eyes. When I ran into the same old animal in the wild I had once been attracted to, a funny thing happened. I didn't like or desire it any more.
But my new eyes were able to see and appreciate my hubby- a five foot tall white man and a blond at that (I favored brunettes) but his sweetness, honesty, sincerity and bright eyes won my heart, enough to make me get married, something I swore I would never do (another article for another day).
He wasn't my physical ideal initially, but he became my hearts ideal. And to me, he is the sexiest being in the planet! Now, this isn't to say that super attractive people are inherently mean spirited or bad relationship material. I have known a few model gorgeous gals in my day who were tired of being regarded as trophies to jet setters, but average Joe's wouldn't approach them out of fear. They ended up being very lonely indeed, though some of them were very nice people. I am just saying don't merely be bowled over by looks, money or status, get to know the whole person.
If we could learn to evaluate why we choose what we do as opposed to blindly accepting our responses, maybe our choices in mates will improve, and so will the quality of our relationships. Will they all last forever? Maybe not, but perhaps they will be more rewarding, and that is what makes life worth living!
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I honestly don't get it. Any advice?
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asked 21 hours ago
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