Last year, I wrote my first article on two topics that people seem to struggle with: shyness and confidence. After publishing it, I thought of additional points that would have made it even better. I later realized I had enough material for a second article, so here it is, folks:
SHYNESS AND CONFIDENCE II!
Please read the original if you haven’t already: Shyness and Confidence: Knowing the Difference
The American Heritage Dictionary (New College Edition) defines two distinct concepts that many people, both shy and outgoing, confuse with each other. It defines “shy” as “bashful, reserved” and “confident” as “having assurance or certainty, as of success”. As noted in the original, if you are not careful, your shyness can erode your confidence. Please note that “shy” is a general term, as some argue that “introverted” and “shy” are different.
Often hailed as the greatest basketball player of all time, one only needs to look at Michael Jordan’s career accomplishments. He led the US basketball team to a gold medal in the 1984 Summer Olympics. He was named the NBA’s Most Valuable Player six times and led the Chicago Bulls to six NBA Championships. The Air Jordan line at Nike makes $1 billion (USD) in annual sales. Many view him as a hero and a role model, yet he routinely avoids the press and is commonly observed to be more soft-spoken.
Have you seen The Three Amigos, Father of The Bride, or my personal favorite of his, Planes, Trains, and Automobiles? Or are you familiar with his trademark “Excuse me!”? A “comic rock star”, as described by Time Magazine, comedian Steve Martin is also an introvert.
Other notable introverts include Metallica guitarist Kirk Hammett, Pope Benedict XVI, Mother Teresa, Rosa Parks, Abraham Lincoln, and Microsoft founder Bill Gates.
1. Everything is a process.
Confidence doesn’t mean “always right the first time”. One of my favorite bands is Metallica. They have influenced thousands, if not millions of musicians all over the world, but skilled and seasoned as they may be, they didn’t randomly pull out their guitars one day and whip out their classics like One or Master of Puppets (read the story on how that song started out).
This is my fifth article for GAG. I think I’m a good writer, but I don’t write my articles in one day. They go through multiple drafts before submission. My most recent featured article was the tenth draft. You are reading the sixth draft of this article.
2. Make your friends aware of how you feel.
Most teasing is good-natured, but sometimes, even those closest to us don’t realize how it may hurt us. Be able to take a joke, but if friends’ teasing is hurting you, politely ask them to stop. Your friends care about you, so they should respect how you feel. Also, ask a close friend or family member to tell you your good qualities. Write them down and post them somewhere you will see them every day.
3. Don’t put yourself down.
This is the flipside of #3 from the original: “Do not deflect compliments.” Matthew 15:10-11 says “[H]e said…’It is not what enters one’s mouth that defiles that person, but what comes out of the mouth is what defiles one.’” Humans have a natural tendency that the University of Pennsylvania calls the “negativity bias”; even if nothing supports a negative claim, we tend to believe it. Gradually shift to a positive self-image by absorbing compliments and reigning in anything that harbors negativity. This includes self-deprecating humor, one reason I struggled with low confidence.
4. See the big picture.
Thomas Jefferson once said “Question with boldness even the existence of a God, because if there be one, he must approve more of the homage of reason than that of blind-folded fear”. Age, popularity, and education don’t automatically make someone right. I had a coworker once who was well-educated, good-looking, and very outgoing. If he wanted a date, only God could stop him from asking a girl out. I thought he had himself together. I only later saw that he was thirty-nine years old and mentally stuck in his fraternity house. He was condescending, short-tempered, and at times, creepy.
I had originally thought he and my manager, whom I consider a personal hero, were friends, but they were only acquaintances on their hockey team. Bob offered him a job because in the same year, he had gotten divorced and laid off. I later learned that Bob (and many members of their hockey team) seriously disliked him. You do the math.
5. Dress for success.
Never underestimate a nice suit or dress. You would be surprised how much confidence they can give you. However, I can only speak for men on this matter. If you have never owned tailored clothes before, start with something basic. Start with a solid black suit, a white shirt, and two other solid-colored shirts. Pick at least three ties; my favorite design is paisley (Also worth mentioning: never be afraid of pink!). Break it in. If church is your thing, wear it there. If your job’s dress code requires something nicer than jeans, wear it to work. Or simply hang out at Starbucks wearing it. As far as others there know, you’re just some guy who stepped out of the office for a while. Most importantly, wear it to a job interview!
6. Explore a new side of yourself.
Remove yourself from areas in your life that have hindered personal growth or remind you of having low confidence. This means frequenting a different bar or library. Try a different haircut or style of clothes. If you have the ability, move to a different job. You could even do something as simple as trying a different latte. Just get out of your normal routine.
Say “no” when others say “yes” or vice versa. Know what supports you, even if it’s something as simple as a rule. Read this: My lack of confidence is holding me back?. When I was a security guard at my county’s probation office, district regulations stated that hats were not to be worn indoors. This went unheeded for years until I started enforcing it. Some people cooperated while others acted like I had just told them to surrender their firstborn child. Watch Pawn Stars. They are not greedy or being mean to their customers. They run a business; their end state is to make money. They have to get tough with people.
You may have plenty of confidence that you don’t realize, or you may have struggled with it your entire life. In either case, if my two articles are all you need, that’s great. If not, we have barely scratched the surface. There are plenty of resources available to help one realize what they have within them. As of the time I posted this article, I am currently reading “The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World”, written by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D. I highly recommend it.
Remember though, confidence is an ongoing process. There are times when I still struggle with it. Just realize that one bad day does not mean a regression. Any myths about shyness can be easily dispelled if one only looks at the big picture. One does not need to be the center of attention to be confident. They simply need to be sure of themselves. Less is more.
SHYNESS AND CONFIDENCE II!
Please read the original if you haven’t already: Shyness and Confidence: Knowing the Difference
The American Heritage Dictionary (New College Edition) defines two distinct concepts that many people, both shy and outgoing, confuse with each other. It defines “shy” as “bashful, reserved” and “confident” as “having assurance or certainty, as of success”. As noted in the original, if you are not careful, your shyness can erode your confidence. Please note that “shy” is a general term, as some argue that “introverted” and “shy” are different.
Often hailed as the greatest basketball player of all time, one only needs to look at Michael Jordan’s career accomplishments. He led the US basketball team to a gold medal in the 1984 Summer Olympics. He was named the NBA’s Most Valuable Player six times and led the Chicago Bulls to six NBA Championships. The Air Jordan line at Nike makes $1 billion (USD) in annual sales. Many view him as a hero and a role model, yet he routinely avoids the press and is commonly observed to be more soft-spoken.
Have you seen The Three Amigos, Father of The Bride, or my personal favorite of his, Planes, Trains, and Automobiles? Or are you familiar with his trademark “Excuse me!”? A “comic rock star”, as described by Time Magazine, comedian Steve Martin is also an introvert.
Other notable introverts include Metallica guitarist Kirk Hammett, Pope Benedict XVI, Mother Teresa, Rosa Parks, Abraham Lincoln, and Microsoft founder Bill Gates.
1. Everything is a process.
Confidence doesn’t mean “always right the first time”. One of my favorite bands is Metallica. They have influenced thousands, if not millions of musicians all over the world, but skilled and seasoned as they may be, they didn’t randomly pull out their guitars one day and whip out their classics like One or Master of Puppets (read the story on how that song started out).
This is my fifth article for GAG. I think I’m a good writer, but I don’t write my articles in one day. They go through multiple drafts before submission. My most recent featured article was the tenth draft. You are reading the sixth draft of this article.
2. Make your friends aware of how you feel.
Most teasing is good-natured, but sometimes, even those closest to us don’t realize how it may hurt us. Be able to take a joke, but if friends’ teasing is hurting you, politely ask them to stop. Your friends care about you, so they should respect how you feel. Also, ask a close friend or family member to tell you your good qualities. Write them down and post them somewhere you will see them every day.
"Humans have a natural tendency towards a negativity bias. Even if nothing supports a negative claim, we tend to believe it."
3. Don’t put yourself down.
This is the flipside of #3 from the original: “Do not deflect compliments.” Matthew 15:10-11 says “[H]e said…’It is not what enters one’s mouth that defiles that person, but what comes out of the mouth is what defiles one.’” Humans have a natural tendency that the University of Pennsylvania calls the “negativity bias”; even if nothing supports a negative claim, we tend to believe it. Gradually shift to a positive self-image by absorbing compliments and reigning in anything that harbors negativity. This includes self-deprecating humor, one reason I struggled with low confidence.
4. See the big picture.
Thomas Jefferson once said “Question with boldness even the existence of a God, because if there be one, he must approve more of the homage of reason than that of blind-folded fear”. Age, popularity, and education don’t automatically make someone right. I had a coworker once who was well-educated, good-looking, and very outgoing. If he wanted a date, only God could stop him from asking a girl out. I thought he had himself together. I only later saw that he was thirty-nine years old and mentally stuck in his fraternity house. He was condescending, short-tempered, and at times, creepy.
I had originally thought he and my manager, whom I consider a personal hero, were friends, but they were only acquaintances on their hockey team. Bob offered him a job because in the same year, he had gotten divorced and laid off. I later learned that Bob (and many members of their hockey team) seriously disliked him. You do the math.
5. Dress for success.
Never underestimate a nice suit or dress. You would be surprised how much confidence they can give you. However, I can only speak for men on this matter. If you have never owned tailored clothes before, start with something basic. Start with a solid black suit, a white shirt, and two other solid-colored shirts. Pick at least three ties; my favorite design is paisley (Also worth mentioning: never be afraid of pink!). Break it in. If church is your thing, wear it there. If your job’s dress code requires something nicer than jeans, wear it to work. Or simply hang out at Starbucks wearing it. As far as others there know, you’re just some guy who stepped out of the office for a while. Most importantly, wear it to a job interview!
6. Explore a new side of yourself.
Remove yourself from areas in your life that have hindered personal growth or remind you of having low confidence. This means frequenting a different bar or library. Try a different haircut or style of clothes. If you have the ability, move to a different job. You could even do something as simple as trying a different latte. Just get out of your normal routine.
Confidence and shyness
7. Be sure of your stance. - Realize that even those who SEEM confident may feel shy & insecure as well.
- Confidence takes time - be patient.
- Write down your strengths, and post them where you can see.
- Don't harbor negativity
- Put your best foot forward, appearance wise.
- Get out of your normal routine
- Learn how to say no to people.
Say “no” when others say “yes” or vice versa. Know what supports you, even if it’s something as simple as a rule. Read this: My lack of confidence is holding me back?. When I was a security guard at my county’s probation office, district regulations stated that hats were not to be worn indoors. This went unheeded for years until I started enforcing it. Some people cooperated while others acted like I had just told them to surrender their firstborn child. Watch Pawn Stars. They are not greedy or being mean to their customers. They run a business; their end state is to make money. They have to get tough with people.
You may have plenty of confidence that you don’t realize, or you may have struggled with it your entire life. In either case, if my two articles are all you need, that’s great. If not, we have barely scratched the surface. There are plenty of resources available to help one realize what they have within them. As of the time I posted this article, I am currently reading “The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World”, written by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D. I highly recommend it.
Remember though, confidence is an ongoing process. There are times when I still struggle with it. Just realize that one bad day does not mean a regression. Any myths about shyness can be easily dispelled if one only looks at the big picture. One does not need to be the center of attention to be confident. They simply need to be sure of themselves. Less is more.
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