Less is More: Don't Make "The One" a One

I'm twenty years old, and have been dating the same guy since I was thirteen years old. It's been a difficult road, there's been joy and there's been pain, there's been amendments and there's been disputes. Above all there's been love. And through it all, he's been my one and only, and I'm proud of that fact. A first love is a once in a life time chance, and it creates a bond that no other could recreate, and at this point im reveling in it. Very few are gifted this. Many must date around. That being said...

Many girls/guys I've known, with perfectly happy, healthy relationships, have given up those very same relationships because they're afraid of "The One". The one who:

1. The one who you're drawn to no matter the circumstances.

2. The one who can lift you up the highest and drag you down the lowest.

3. The one who you make allowances for like no other simply because they are who they are.

4. The one whose every word and gesture you hang on to, your admiration is so great.

5. The one who knows you best and could break you, but you entrust your heart with anyway.

Because of "The One", or the anticipation of "The One", they value life lessons, above stable relationships. Its either too much, or not enough instantaneously. Overall, they feel that if it's meant to be it's meant to be, and, if not, they should cut their losses and hunt elsewhere. But that's not so. Every successful relationship has three key ingredients:

1. Falling in love over and over again with the same person.

2. The willingness to communicate.

3. The patience to surrender to one another for the sake of the relationship.

THIS is the relationship stage-dating around is completely different! The relationship stage is when some foundation of companionship has been settled, when some form of commitment to each other has been agreed upon.

The relationship stage, though comfortable, is an ever changing environment and needs regular maintenance. Because of this, do not think of "The One" in artificial terms. "The One" is the one who cares for you, respects you, and thrives along side you. As such, your focus should be on raising that relationship to fruition.

Unfortunately, many are instead stuck on "The One" on a much less realistic level. This is the true problem with young dating today. "A One" will grab their attention at this stage, make them wonder about what their life would be like outside of the relationship. And many will take the bait just to feel the excitement of a new conquest that'll quickly falter and fizzle out.

Don't take the bait? Don't worry. You're "The One" can, and will, provide. You're missing nothing. This is because of the three key ingredients listed above:

1. Falling in love over and over means constant courtship, keeping the relationship alive and going through silly stages of crushing, dating, and seriousness all the time. It never gets old. It's amazing!

2. Communicating means being on the same page. Spreading happiness,sharing pain, etc. With communication, there is never any room for doubt. Loves an open door, always being aired out.

3. Surrendering yourself to your partner means you'll always know you're needed and wanted by the one person you need and want most. This is THE goal of any relationship.

Don't be afraid of "The One". Less is more. "A One" doesn't compare!


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What Guys Said 6

  • Hope to find that kind of connection one day, it must be incredible.

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    • The time will come. Just remember that it's hard work and requires a lot of maintenance. It's definitely worth it though. Just never settle for less than you feel you deserve before then.

  • Cute take.

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    • Thank you! (: I appreciate it.

  • Noted! Amazing take 👌👍👍 good luck with a happy long life relationship..

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  • I think the fact that you're 20 and dating this guy since 13 skews your vision. First of all you're probably just lucky so far but even so, it's growing up with someone, you change and influence each other a lot in that time. If you met at 23 you'd already be pretty much fully formed adults and you can't really grow to fit each other so easily, it's a whole different kettle of fish.

    And "A One" sounds fine, I've had crushes on different types of people and they are all interesting and cool in their own right. It would be amazing to be in a poly relationship with two girls that are the same in all the right ways and different in all the right ways.

    If you've got the right mental framework to manage it then "A One" is at least just as good as "The One."

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  • This is a very good take. That is very true the goal is a relationship not tally mark on your belt. I particularly like the mentioning of constant courtship, I assume this goes both ways? Generally the more you try to please your significant other the more they want to please you and then they want to please you even more and it continues. This actually made me feel a little bit better. This site can get depressing sometimes so I'm glad I stumbled upon this.

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    • Yes, constant courtship is very important! There's nothing better than just feeling wanted by the person you want most. I personally bake, write cards, dress up and by a Baja blast for the kid every once in awhile. And my boyfriend opens doors, pulls out chairs, and takes care of me. It doesn't take much. But it gives an element of appreciation and adoration, and everyone's thankful. I love it! It is necessary. Even stable, foundation relationships can die if not nurtured (:

    • Agreed. I will say I have come across a lot of posts where either the woman or man is wondering why there relationship changed from how it started, I generally point out that it changed because you stopped doing what you where doing before ie courtship. Funny how we always seem to forget that.

    • Yeah. A lot of people decide that once theyve slid out of the dating danger zone they're home free, and that catching someone means keeping them. And that's just not true. Being comfortable in your relationship doesn't correlate to not trying anymore. The pressure may be off, but that's about it. It's still fundamental to feel wanted and appreciated in your relationship.

  • Hey this is amazing, a while ago I posted a question, essentially asking what was it that kept a healthy relationship working.
    I really like the girl I'm with right now...
    And yet all I hear around me is people telling us our attraction can't last forever and that our interests will die...
    I don't want it too, she's the first girl I've reallybfallen for.
    And this gives me hope. It really does. If there's any future advice you can give me, I would really appreciate it.
    Thanks for being a ray of optimism in a sky clouded by pessimism.

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    • Wow, thank you! I appreciate the compliment, and I'll definitely happily write more with that in mind. So far this is my third piece, and I've written each within the last three days. It's been really nice to sit down and get my thoughts out. I've been doing it anonymously, but I think I'll stop doing that. My user name is whatthehellwasthat, feel free to ask any questions!

      In response to your own experience:
      Interest wanes and intensifies, goes through a cycle. Some days you'll realize you're comfortable and content, and other days you'll be amazed to find your partners interests evolving and changing. You don't listen to the same music you did five years ago, or stick to the same five foods you ate as a kid. No. You have new experience, push your boundaries. There's always something to be shared, promise! And if you start to feel a lull ever, do something new together to build your bond.

What Girls Said 6

  • I loved your take. Fantastic. I am hoping to have that same connection with someone. I think you would enjoy the movie and book ' Fireproof'.

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    • Oh, I've seen the movie! It was very unique, I definitely don't forget it. And you're right, I loved it (:

  • Wow sounds amazing! Hope i find the ONE some day! 😍😍😍

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  • When I read the first sentence I thought oh god. Another take at home perfect someone is at relationships and I was ready to slate you.

    However I do understand what you have tried to say.

    I think a better way to phrase it is don't put pressure on yourself to find the one. You'll know. And your advice of communication is good.

    Well done. You started dubiously but ended fantastically.

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    • I very much respect your input (: And I would never act as if relationships are a fairy tale. It's hard work! That's exactly why it's necessary to wait for the one who will stand by your side and work with you instead of working at you or towards any other interests they may personally have.

    • Thats fair enough :)

  • Oh my god I wish I could message you! You seem like such a smart insightful person!

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    • I messaged you, I dont mind chatting (: Just was cautious when I started out writing.

  • How was it starting dating at 13? Weren't people all like "you are too young" and stuff?
    That was a very well written take. I'll keep in mind everything that you said!

    Hopefully, your relationship will last longer! The hardships you guys went through together must've made you guys stronger than ever :)

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    • Thank you, and of course! Our parents called it "puppy love" and said Itd last a week, their words. And most people dont start that young. They're still forming friends, getting to know themselves. But it was innocent enough, and we didn't have any expectations... Oh yes, definitely! Every relationship has hardships, and naturally so. Disagreements, disputes, blown out arguments. It takes a lot to coexist, truly.

    • Thats great to know, you proved them wrong someway haha :)

  • Omg shut up we all know youve been dating your boyfriend since you were 13. Like get a life. You write so many takes about this. You really think you two will get married? You really think he won't meet a better prettier smarter and less clingy girl? You're so obsessed with him.

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    • I don't write the fact in everyone. I just found it necessary in some writings to include. And I don't plan to write many takes. I've been on this site for a very long time and finally felt the need to answer a few common questions that had been repeated time and again. It's nice to have some hope, or to at least be positive about something. And also, just being there and sharing an experience can make someone feel like theyre not alone and can't find help, or at least give them something to think about. Thanks for the comment though, I hear your opinions.

    • Ok but like think about how that affects other people who have been single for their entire lives. I've been in relationships but you constantly have girls ask why doesn't he like me or why have I never had a boyfriend while you're over hear pretty much bragging about your amazing love life. Not trying to be rude but tone it down a bit because it makes some girls feel even worse.

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