I remember when I first met you. I'm usually awkward when I meet new people but with you, things just clicked. I didn't see you as more than a friend at first, but I did realize that there was something about you that was different from most guys. You held the door for me, helped me carry heavy things, walked me home, and stood up on the bus so that I could sit down. You never mentioned sex, or made inappropriate jokes. I'd never had a guy treat me like that before, and it made you stand out.
I remember when I first started liking you. I thought you were cute. I thought you were funny. I loved that we could just be ourselves. You even wrote down what you wanted in a relationship, and one of the things you mentioned was that you never wanted to have to change for anyone, or have anyone change for you.
I remember when we fought. We saw each other's flaws, and that was okay with me. My friends found out what was going on, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything bad about you. Yes, you'd made a mistake. I'd made a mistake, too. But it was okay. And a week later, we were apologizing, and you were hugging me and saying that you didn't deserve an apology (although I disagree). That was our first hug. I had butterflies in my stomach. It wasn't awkward, though. It was amazing. It was natural.
I remember falling in love with you. I'd seen both your strengths and weaknesses. You'd told me things you've been through, and I told you things that I'd been through, too. We helped each other. We were there for each other. We were always on each other's sides. But at the same time, we weren't afraid to stop each other from doing stupid things. We kept each other grounded. And because of that, we made each other better people.
I remember when you left. We hugged (by this time, hugging had become normal, but I still felt that spark whenever I was in your arms). A few tears slipped down my cheeks, but you didn't notice (at least, I hope not). I wanted to sob, but I also wanted to stay strong for you. After you were gone, I locked myself in my room and let out all my tears. I cried for a week.
I remember when I used to want to be married with kids by the time I was 25. I don't want that anymore. At least, not unless it's with you. It's been 6 1/2 months since I last saw you, and I still cry about you sometimes. I've tried to get interested in other guys. Even some attractive guys who seemed gentlemanly have talked to me, but I didn't want them. I didn't want them because they weren't you. They didn't give me that feeling of instant connection, that spark, that bond that I felt with you.
They say that when you truly love someone, you don't get attached to anyone else. I'm beginning to think that's accurate. You're always on my mind. When other guys try to talk to me, all I can think of is you. I think about hugging you, kissing you, having sex with you. But even more so, I think about going on adventures, arguing, having late night talks, cooking pasta and watching movies on a Saturday night, talking about anything and everything, just being ourselves. It's not just passion and physical desire I crave with you; I crave the emotional things, too -- even more than I crave the physical ones.
I won't marry young. I probably won't even marry at all (unless it's to you). I know you don't return my feelings, but I also know that you promised that we'd meet again. And until I can say that I could be in a relationship with another guy, see you, and not hug you, kiss you, bury my face in your shoulder, and cry happy tears, I won't date. It wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't be fair to me, and it wouldn't be fair to the other guy. And that's just what he'd be. The other guy. The second choice. The back-up. I don't want to make anyone feel like that. I don't want to live my life married to someone else, but always thinking of you, always craving our late night talks. Always thinking about you instead of him during sex. Always wishing that my son was your son, too.
Unless I find someone who makes me feel all the things I felt with you, plus more, I won't marry. Like I said, it wouldn't be fair to the other guy. It wouldn't be fair to me. I love you in so many different ways, and I can't get rid of these feelings. I can't feel them for anyone else.
I love you.
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