My BF has a very low libido and it's affecting our relationship! Help!?

[Anonymous]

My BF is 40 and has a very low sex drive. He told me that he's no longer driven by sex in his life and that he doesn't really "care about it". He's a great guy BUT... there is no passion. No sexy talk. No real warmth and intimacy during sex. I feel like sex is obligatory to him. He gets more enjoyment from snuggling and watching a movie! Honestly, I feel like we're just friends! And the weird part is that he claims the sex is great! He is in a bit of a depression so I'm sure that's part of the reason. What can I do here?

[wisdomtusk]

I've been in a very similar position to his, though at a much younger age. My enjoyment of sex is underwhelming in most cases due to decreased sensitivity of my skin after years of taking cetrizine.

Something that made the experience more exciting for me was blindfold play. A blindfold makes senses other than sight more potent and gives a greater feeling of anticipation, so light and teasing touches and kisses feel amazing, and if you're doing S&M the anticipation of a strike is far worse than a strike (again, I am highly insensitive to pain - this may bias me). To get the most enjoyment, he must not see you as docile or it can be difficult to take seriously.

If you're not getting as much satisfaction as you need you could ask for cunnilingus - if he's not practiced then experiment together; giving a girl a good orgasm this way can be very satisfying. Make sure to reward him somehow if he isn't interested in his own pleasure.

Another choice would be to precede sex with an interesting activity - you could do a collaborative project that once finished would give pride (project-complete sex), or you could do something that gives some adrenaline like urban exploring (adventure through dangerous places sex). Routine sex is routine - attach it to something more memorable.

Other than that, one of the few things that consistently arouses my interest is tease - this relates to blindfolding. It's more arousing to suggest showing the breast than to show the breast, to lift the skirt than to pull it off, to hold just out of reach rather than allow touch. Nothing is as interesting, no woman is as beautiful, no food is as tasty as it is in the imagination when teased.

My last relationship cooled because my partner couldn't be bothered to be an active player in sex. Always be experimenting.

[MothMonsterMan]

"He is in a bit of a depression so I'm sure that's part of the reason." That could be 99% of the reason. Depression is the ultimate sex drive killer. Is he on medicine for it? Bad thing is medicine for depression can decrease sex drive even more. Trust me I know!

If he's willing, try to get him to go to a doctor about it. He may not want you to come along, or he may. It might be a little embarrassing for him or a blow to his ego but it's necessary. If he's serious about fixing the problem, he'll do it. When I was having sex drive problems I had NO shame in going to the doctor to talk about it. At that point I was like him, that I didn't really "care about it", but at the same time I didn't' want to lose my girl. Once we fixed the problem, boy was I glad! I cared about sex again AND kept my girl!

[Asker]

Thanks for that very helpful answer! He is actually in denial about his depression - I think he may have had a mild breakdown after his divorce (he then lost his job soon after) and it was never properly diagnosed or managed. He claims to be very positive and happy but this is clearly not the case. How do you think I should approach him about this?

[MothMonsterMan]

You may just have to let him realize it on his own. I've suffered from depression most of my life, and I've been on and off medicines for it since I was 13. The problem is, even though I know I suffer from it, when I'm in a depressed state, I deny it and I'm sort of in my own little world.

You have to be honest with him. Tell him your sex life is hurting, you're attracted to him and it hurts you emotionally too when you can't be intimate with him. Because the problem is once it starts in the bedroom, it will run into other parts of life. He may grow more distant and eventually not want to snuggle or cuddle or anything. The best way I can describe when I was depressed was apathy, indifference. If my girlfriend and I snuggled, great, if not, fine. She was getting tired of pushing me to do anything, and that's when I realized things were getting bad, and started looking for help.

[Anonymous]

Girrrrlll, let me tell you, I feel your pain! I'm always trying to get my boyfriend in the mood, but he always pushes me away. Trust me, I know how it feels! It starts to wear away your self esteem and make you feel rejected! Have you told him how you feel? You could ask him what his favorite sexual fantasy is, and offer to fulfill it to get him more excited about sex! Or text him in the middle of the day while he's at work with a dirty message to let him know what's coming when he gets home! Tell him you feel like you have to satisfy yourself because he's not giving you enough. That likely will get through to him! No man wants to feel like he's not enough for his woman. Good Luck!

[bdeakol]

Don't wanna sound like a bitch but get a younger guy maybe?

[Tractorbeam]

Even that's no guarantee. Some men are useless in their 20s, and some men could bang 4 times in a day at 60. At 40, I would have at least wanted it daily.

[bdeakol]

I suppose that's true... I have no idea what she can do about it though, I mean this is how he is.

[Tractorbeam]

Refer to this. I posted it about 2 days ago.
www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q1120164-how-to-make-my-man-want-more-sex

[Asker]

That's great advice, thanks. I've mentioned it to him because it is really affecting my self esteem. It's not me, I know that, because he says he loves my body and thinks the sex is great. I try to spice things up and he loves it, but he is not warm or passionate. He is kind of a repressed guy and emotionally distant, so it makes sense.

[wowzer]

He needs to snap out of it- sure he's no spring chicken but he's hardly an OAP either. You need to talk about your wants, needs and desires.

[jointhepatriarchy]

I'll tell you exactly what women tell men when they complain about this:

YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO SEX!!!