Guys, Does my slutty past make me undateable?

[Anonymous]

I'm 20 years old and have slept with close to 30 guys. Some of them were older men that paid me. I did this because of deep rooted insecurity issues I had growing up. I realized this behavior was extremely unhealthy, and I went to therapy, gained a ton of self confidence, and no longer feel the need to sleep around, or even have sex unless I'm in a committed relationship. However, my number is still there, I can never change my past. And I'm worried that for the rest of my life, guys won't want to date me because of it. Am I undateable forever?

Updates

+1 y

If I am undateable, then what is the point of ever trying to find someone? What do I do with life?

[gray_sailor]

I hope you are still reading this as I took a while to think about and construct my answer.

There are two ways that a person (man or woman) can become promiscuous:
- A person can become promiscuous in accordance with their nature.
- A person can become promiscuous in conflict with their nature.

Accordance or conflict arises as a consequence of a person's sociosexual orientation.

Some background information:

When Alfred Kinsey was conducting his landmark survey of human sexuality, he noted the existence of a regularity. There were behaviors that were normally present in clusters. The presence of any one behavior gave a strong prediction of the presence of the others. He named this cluster of behaviors "SOCIOSEXUAL ORIENTATION".

This orientation was an element of each person's sexual identity. It expresses how a given person relates to others sexually.

A given person's sociosexual orientation falls on a spectrum between two extremes:
1) Sociosexually Restricted
2) Sociosexually Unrestricted

Sociosexually Unrestricted people (men & women):
- separate love and sex
- begin having sex at a younger ages
- engage in sexual activity earlier in a relationship
- participate in casual sex
- have higher numbers of sexual partners
- have no concern for their partner's numbers

Sociosexually Restricted people (men & women):
- do not separate love and sex
- begin having sex at relatively older ages
- delay sexual activity in a relationship
- confine sexual activity to committed relationships
- have lower numbers of sexual partners
- require their sexual partners to have the same views on love and sex

__

Based on your self description in your question, you appear to be a sociosexually restricted person who has behaved in the manner of a sociosexually unrestricted person. This internal conflict points to the need for therapy. Fortunately for you, you have gone through therapy and come out the other side with behaviors that align with your self conception. You are no longer acting in self destructive ways. This is unquestionably good.

Here then is the nature of your problem:
- Your natural mates are restricted men
- Your past behavior indicates that
EITHER
you are fundementally incompatible with your natural mates (this is not the case)
OR
you are compatible with your natural mates, but have been acting out in self destructive ways.

[continued]

[gray_sailor]

The guys answering your question have each been asuming one of the following to be true:

- you are unrestricted, in which case, an unrestricted man would have no problem with you or your past

- you are unrestricted, in which case, a restricted man would find you to be sociosexually incompatible

- you are restricted, but you are also damaged from acting in conflict with your nature

Simply put, you are being seen as being either incompatible or broken. Pursuing a relationship with you therefore presents an addional layer of risk not present in a woman who has not experienced your past.

[continued]

[gray_sailor]

All is not lost, you will just have a tougher time of it. The fact that you have been through therapy is a massive mark in your favour. However, you must see this in context. You are recovering from a form of dysfunction. This puts you in the same category as recovering alcoholics, recovering gambling addicts, recovering compulsive shoppers, recovering drug addicts etc. Many people may find your recovery to be praiseworthy and at the same time choose to not risk dating you.

My advice:

Be forthcoming about your past and your recovery from that past through therapy.

Acknowlege that finding a partner will be harder for you because of your past.

Do not let your fear of not finding a partner cause you to conceal eith your your past or your recovery.

Your goal is to find someone who loves you for who you are not whom you pretend to be.

Honesty, transparency and when it is appropriate, loyalty must define your relationships as you move forward.

Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Honestly being a prostitute would make you undateable. Even if you hadn't been paid that would still be way too high for me to take you seriously. If you really have gotten over your issues, then I suggest you lie, and don't ever admit the truth to anyone, or else it will get back to your man, and it will damage any relationship you get into. Most people with high numbers like that are not good for long term relationships.

The guys that will date you are typically going to be players that aren't good relationship material, or really desperate guys that are willing to look past anything to find a woman. Are you undateable forever? Only if you are stupid enough to be honest about your sexual past.

[Asker]

So I have to lie the rest of my life?

[Opinion Owner]

It is not impossible for you to find a boyfriend, but it will make it a lot harder on you. Most guys are not going to be okay dating a woman that was a prostitute. The more people you are honest about it with, the harder it will be for you to cover it up later.

[Albinoninja66]

You're one of the few people who have slept around and actually have a brain. A lot of women pull the usual bullshit line saying "if guys can sleep around and not get judged, why can't girls?" First of all, man whores get judged as well, second is if you don't want to be treated like a hoe, don't act like one. This problem really started do to feminism extremists. The fact that you aknowledge your past behavior and admit that it was wrong and cannot be erased has earned you an immense amount of respect from me. Because while other people are cowards and try to pretend that they didn't partake in slutty behavior, or justify what they did you owned up to it, which shows that you have courage, and are actually willing to change, and not just bitch for attention like a lot of other people do. I can't speak for the rest, but it sure as hell wouldn't make you undatable to me. Kudos to you for doing what few do!

[Baggz]

Nope. That depends on the guy. There are guys out there that really dgaf about your past. Past is past. They like the way you are now and whatever future you two may have. You woke up one day and decided enough was enough. You have kicked your habit. Now to find a guy that loves the improved version of you. No matter how many negative shit you hear from men, don't revert back to your old self. Those men ain't worth paying attention to.

You can always bury your past (trust me, men couldn't tell the difference), but this might sting you in the future if you fall in love and the guilt of not letting the man you love know your true history or you could simply wait to find that man who understands where you coming from and accepts you for you. This one's a keeper.

[Frost_Byt3]

I personally wouldn't date you. Not out of fear of catching an STD. Not because you're a bad person (in fact you actually sound like a really nice girl), but simply because i couldn't get the fact that you've been fucked and degraded by soooo many guys in such a short period of time, out of my head. It'd make me feel inadequate, and it'd torture my own insecurities--which is why i could never be with a girl like you.

Its nothing against you, and I'm not trying to shame you or anything. But whether you've changed your ways or not, you still conciously made those decisions in the past, and those decisions still have consequences. I have no problem with you as a person, but never date you in a million years.

But that is just the personal opinion of one guy, and I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there who don't give a rat's ass.

[AleDeEurope]

Hmm I'm sure some guys won't mind, but I do. I personally wouldn't date you, not just for the high number, what I dislike the most is charging for it. So basically you were a prostitute :/
I'm not into that kind of women, sorry.

[MrAtticusLebowski]

Yes and no, I mean you're undateable to insecure guys at least. Look you're still REALLY young, at 20 you're still kinda a kid. Your Update makes me think you got some other issues going on still. Unfortunately, if you're trying to date guys you're age it's gonna' be hard either way. Most guys don't really mature till their mid-30's.

[Asker]

Because of my update? I mean, it's true, a huge part of life is finding someone to spend it with. I accept the fact that I'm undesirable to most men, but it makes life pointless if the chances of me finding someone is close to zero. I messed up. It's unfixable. What's the point.

[MrAtticusLebowski]

Yeah that Update. Sounds like you have that "everything's ruined!" tone. You didn't mess up, im guessing there's more to this than what you posted. Either way. Look... if a guy falls for you, he'll get over it. You think you're the only girl in this exact situation? it'll work out once you get to a point you don't need random strangers reassurances.

[dudeman]

Undatable to men with options is what you meant

[Low_Pride_85]

I wouldn't be very upfront about it at first but in my opinion I would rather have a girl wit experience who knows how to handle different situations than an inexperienced one.
And for the record! You are not sure exactly how many guys you've slept with but you think it's close to 20... yup

[Low_Pride_85]

P. S. and every girl gets paid for sex one way or another. That free dinner isn't free ladies. I worked for that money.

[slatyb]

Of course not. Sure, some guys are hung up on a woman's sexual past, but a lot of guys aren't. There's no reason to discuss this until there's a real connection with someone, and by then you should know whether they are open-minded enough to accept your past.

Congratulations on your successful therapy.

[Nuqood]

30x3 = 90.

I personally wouldn't be with you, but that's because I think relationships are for retards, and is semi-irrelevant to your past. I mean, hearing you were with a bunch of dudes at your age would make me queasy since I'd immediately think you're infested with an STD.

[tyber1]

You're gonna have a hard time finding someone but it is important to be honest, especially with a past like that. It's not the kind of thing that someone should accidentally find out when you've been dating for 5 years. Given that you're reformed you should eventually find someone if you're a good judge of character.

[Avenuewriter]

Many people stigmatize a woman who "gets around." As if having a lot of sex is wrong. Me? I look at it from the perspective of an employer. The more experience the better.

So no, not permanently undateable.