Boyfriend lied about drug use. How do I lean to trust him again?

[Anonymous]

I have been dating my boyfriend for a while now and we love eachother very much. When we started dating I told him that there are 3 things that are deal breakers, lying, cheating and drug use. I have no issues with pot but hard drugs like cocaine are off the table. He agreed with me that he would never do them and hasn't touched drugs since the end of November.
In order to keep our relationship healthy we make sure that we spend at least one night apart a week, which he jokingly calls singles night. I have never once had an issue with it, I dont call or text unless he does and leave him be. This past Friday he had his night alone with his roomates. Which I assumed just involved drinking and listening to music as usual. He planned a whole day of surprise date the following day for me. I was told to come over at 11 am the next morning. When I talked to him on the phone I discovered that no one had slept. Which was my first tip off, as his roomate falls asleep usually at like 2 am and never stays up later than that. I flat out said, why was he up so late was he doing coke, answer was " i don't know". My boyfriend was a total mess that day, still took me out but was super hung over and we did our thing came home and then he went to bed at 8 pm. The next day we went ice fishing with my dad. While this was going on, he was getting texts from a known drug dealer asking him if he needed anything. We went to dinner after and on the way home I asked, if you were to do drugs again, you'd tell me, right? And he said yes, of course. Finally when we got home I confronted him and he admited that he preplanned his singles night around buying coke and doing it. I am hurt because he lied to my face 3 times about it. If he would have told me the next morning I would have said it's ok, we all make mistakes. I feel as though I can't trust him and I have no clue how to get that back. I don't want to leave, I love him. He disrespected me and did one of the things he knew would break

Updates

+1 y

I am upset because I feel as though he doesn't care that he hurt me. Initially when confronted he was remorseful and said he didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt me but lying is worse! I'm concerned this is going to be how it is from now on and that he will do it again and again and I won't ever be able to trust what he is up to on his nights alone.

[vmw2008]

Like you said, this is different than smoking weed. He's doing cocaine. And he's lying about it, which lets me know his addiction has already progressed to the point where he's ashamed of it and knows it's wrong, but he can't stop himself from doing it.

For me, this goes past simply him lying and it being a bump in the road with your relationship. He's involved in a very serious lifestyle. I'd get out while he's still only a boyfriend. He could be your husband and then this gets much worse.

[Asker]

The thing is, we are together every single day and he never does it. This was one time since the very end of November when he quit his bar job and stopped living the party life. I can't be upset over one mistake. I've told him this is his one chance and I can't have kids with/marry someone who continues down this path. I know I need to have faith in him making it up to me. He isn't an addict, he is a good man that just made a mistake. And lied to me so I wouldn't be hurt.

[vmw2008]

You said you have singles night every week. That's once a week that he has the opportunity to do this. I understand what you're saying, but this isn't like him forgetting to call, or getting a chick's number at the bar. It's cocaine. A serious, highly addictive, illegal drug. Most men don't do it at all. Your guy not only has a history of it, but he also has shown a desire to keep doing it, AND lie to you about it. He didn't come clean first thing in the morning. You had to drag it out of him.

It's ultimately your choice, but this isn't something I would play around with.

[Anonymous]

You are with a guy who is into drugs. Right off the hop I can tell you that you are in a bad relationship. If you think you can change him or convince him to stop, you are setting yourself up for a fail. Drug users lie more than anyone and they only care about themselves. It's part of being an addict.
I spent all my teen years with a douchebag coke user and it NEVER gets better. EVER!
You need to get yourself out of the situation before it gets worse. Don't waste your life on a lost cause.

[SarahsSummer]

If it were me, I'd tell him I need time apart to think. You told him the 3 deal breakers and broke 2 of them. At this point you need to be true to your word of he'll never respect your position. If there are no consequences to his actions, he won't feel compelled to change them.

[epiper888]

Of course he cares about you, he only lied because he knew you would be upset about it, I'd talk to him about it and ask him how often he does it. If that's the first time, ask him why he felt the need to use. Don't start yelling at him about it because it will NOT work. I highly doubt he's an addict.

[JamesDylan1990]

If you are anti hard drugs

Then leave

I would I have a no drug policy

[Other_Tommy_Wiseau]

tl;dr why would you get back with a crackhead?

[Asker]

He isn't an addict. When did I say that? He used to work at a bar and party a lot. He has since quit there and cleaned himself up. People make mistakes

[Other_Tommy_Wiseau]

i wrote tl;dr

[Other_Tommy_Wiseau]

also, you're dating a dude who does drugs. it's called fucking relapse. what the fuck do you expect when you date a person who did drugs? you really didn't think this was a possibility? you can't be this stupid