Wife is a prude after having kid?

I messed up making my profile.. Im 25 not 16.

My wife and I just had our first child. She's 4 months old as of last Wednesday. We've been happily married for 6 years. We are both head over hills in love with our daughter. However our sex life since she got pregnant has went from 1-2 times a week to almost none. It stopped about 4 months before our daughter was born. She said it felt weird. I was okay with that. Then after she was born we couldnt do anything for the obvious 6-8 week healing time. We finally had sex 9 weeks after our daughter was born. (I initiated it) And it was a miserable let down to say the least. She almost wasn't involved in it. Just basically let me do my business and get it over with. So in the last 8 months we have had sex (if you want to call it that) 1 time. In all that time she has not offered to help me or accepted my offers to help me in other ways like oral or hj. Let me say that to me, sex is not just sex. To me its the most profound way of being close to my wife. And showing her and sharing with her the love that I have for her. To me its literally making love. So it's important to me to say the least. I also have that pesky male hormonal thing where sex and sexual release is an actual need. I'm human.

Here lately she always has an excuse. Headache, backache, stomachache.. You name it. When something happens that might constitute as an excuse later.. I can almost feel her think "hey thats going to be a good get out of sex card later"..

The other night our daughter was freshly fed and fast asleep in her crib. My wife was standing next to our bed. I came up behind her.. Hugged her, started kissing her shoulders and neck, rubbing her back and began to try to initiate sex.. At which point she stepped aside pushed me away and said and I quote "Eww, stop being gross!".. Something very immature and prude for a grown married 26 yr old woman to say. How do I fix it?

Updates:
Additional details since you can only post so much..

Long story shory our sex life is pretty much gone. It is making me very depressed. I feel like she isn't attracted to me anymore, repulsed by me, I wonder if she just used me for a child.. And a number of other negative and depressing thoughts and feelings. How can I subtly fix this this?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Doesn't seem like you're really trying to understand the situation. Why does she actually not want to have sex with you? Have you talked to her about it in a situation where you weren't just trying to pressure her for sex?

    A lot of women go through post-partum depression and other hormonal mood changes that deeply affect their sex drive. I know for you it's like hell, 8 months is a long time. But there's probably a lot going on for her.

    If you just keep trying at it to get your needs met without considering her interest you will most likely continue to be met with no just out of habit. She has to want you, and just like in any other situation if you're the one always pining after it then she has constant unimpeded access which can easily be completely taken for granted.

    I don't mean to sound like this is all one sided, there is obviously some responsibility on her end, but I can't help you by criticising her behavior.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Could be lots of reasons, but the two that jump out to me right away are that she is very tired from taking care of the kid as well as the house, so make sure you are stepping up and taking over the baby at times, as well as household chores that she normally does.

    And second is that regardless of her looking great to you, she might be feeling a bit less than desirable. And from that, less romantic. Find a sitter and take your wife on dates. Show her how much you appreciate her, not just desire her. Surprise her with gifts and flowers for no reason.

    If things do not improve, then I would strongly recommend couples counseling. Great at bringing out things that otherwise stay repressed.

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    • I agree with red arrow here

      try these things. u may not be helping enough or not as much as she expects u to.

      Maybe she will appreciate it that u have taken some of the load off of her

      she will start feeling more well rested and more positive towards u as well

      if this doesn't work, therapy might be needed

      also, this is a wild guess here: but maybe post-partum depression is an hypothesis for why she may be feeling like this

What Girls Said 8

  • How was pregnancy and childbirth for her. Maybe it was really terrible, and she can't bear the thought of possibly getting pregnant again. Maybe that's why she is trying to stay as far away from you as possible. it is not you, just your sperm! Maybe you need to talk to her and ask her how she is feeling after having the baby. Could she possibly have depression?

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  • I feel bad, because I'm doing the same thing to my husband, but I can't help not wanting sex. It's not something you can turn on and off. I'm still very much attracted to him. Majority of the time I have heart burn, a headache or am just exhausted. I can only imagine what post baby will be like. This is just part of pregnancy/post pregnancy... Sorry man, you're just going to have to deal with it.

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    • Well, let me tell you, its causing him a lot more grief than blue balls. If you just can't get in the mood.. At least try to remind him that you love him and are attracted to him. Rather than doing like most of the dead bedroom wives anf husbands and just acting completely removed from the situation and looking for excuses. Its probably a lot more serious to him than it is to you.

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    • Hmm why the hostility? Just giving some advice from a guy going through a similar situation as your husband. Nothing rude was meant by it. But dont take my word for it. Get offended over nothing if you want. Makes no difference to me.

    • I'm hostile, because you're willing contributing to the destruction of your marriage. It's all about you, but what about your wife? She's obviously having mental or physical issues. It's been long enough since you noticed and you haven't talked to her. Seek professional help at this point for your marriage.

  • What has she said when you've asked her why she doesn't seem interested in sex anymore?

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    • Well, I haven't talked to her about it yet. Been giving it as much time as possible. I haven't talked to her about it because I fear 2 things might happen.. 1 she sympathizes and bad pitty sex begins at which point I feel like I'm using her.

      Or 2.. She uses that wonderful female ability to turn things around.. Make me out to be the bad guy and a sex crazed pervert.

    • Ok, well when you do talk to her make it clear that you do not want to make her feel like she should try to have sex with you if she doesn't want to and that you simply want to figure out a way to rejuvenate your sex life so that you both enjoy it once again. Also, turning things around is not a female thing, that's a manipulative human being thing and it's called gaslighting. Look it up. I think lots of people do it from occasionally when they get defensive but regularly doing it and also refusing to acknowledge it would be leaning more towards abusive behaviors.

  • She probably feels tired, stressed and unsexy. How about you pay for her to got to a spa for the day and take care of the kids? Then she should feel more sexier and less stressed. Also tell her she looks good. Maybe you could go shopping for sexy underwear together.

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  • are you helping her with the kid? Cause it doesn't sound like it. Are you validating her? Are you only thinking about yourself and not her? 9 weeks after birth is actually natural since it is around 6 weeks after birth your are expected to wait for sex. Are you helping her with the kid, house work, does she work? Are you telling her she is beautiful, taking her on dates, getting someone to watch the baby so you guys can get alone time? You have no idea what the imbalances of hormones does to a woman. Or she may not be attracted to you anymore, I heard of women no longer being attracted to their husbands after their first child but still staying in the marriage do tto loyalty. You need a talk on how she feels and what you can do to help, and offer taking care of the baby, housework and such

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  • It's common for women to lose their sex drive after having a baby and that certainly appears to be the case here. Try not to resent her for this and just talk to her about it. She is your wife after all and you should be able to tell her how you're feeling and about your want to make love to her and make each other feel good. Maybe try to spice things up in the bedroom (maybe by trying new positions?) or take her on a romantic date. If that's not an option because of the baby you could always do a nice dinner and a movie in the comfort of your own home. Either way, you should definitely talk to her about this, and when you do, try not to blame her because that definitely won't help the problem. Maybe just say that you miss being intimate in that way with her and being able to physically express your love. Give it some time, she should come around. Good luck!

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  • She might just be self-conscious of her post-baby body

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    • No, I tried to include this in OP.. A long with a lot of other stuff. But you can only write so much before it cuta you off..

      She has always been very confident in her beauty. She didn't gain much throughout pregnancy and didn't hardly keep any. she's just as beautiful as she always has been and she knows it. I tell her she's beautiful every day always have.

    • You can tell her she's beautiful every day, and although you think she's just as beautiful as she's always been, she may think otherwise. If not, I wish I had the confidence your wife has

    • Well then I've got nothing, sorry bro

  • You don't "fix" it. She doesn't want sex. Simple as that. You're going to have to give her time to want that again.

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What Guys Said 6

  • I'm going to be honest, she never saw you as a true lover. Just from the description you gave its clear that the only reason she got with you was to start a family. You're a provider to her and nothing more. Think about it, if she truly saw you as a worthy lover... you had sex once or twice a week.. that's bad. I'm pretty sure at that point she was only giving you sex to make sure you'd stay. Now that you have a kid, she doesn't need to please you anymore because she has you right where she wants you.

    Sorry brother.

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  • Well you could try giving her a massage or try something romantic like a dinner first. If she still rejects you maybe you need to find out if she is still attracted to you

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  • Honestly, when you are exhausted from having to feed the baby, keep it clean, keep it alive, all that jazz, it makes sense to be exhausted.

    But exhaustion does not imply repulsion from sexual intimacy. The fact she DOESN'T want to connect at all physically would imply to me that she's just not as invested in her marriage as you would hope.

    It's a wild guess though.

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  • I would divorce her, it's a common problem and Odds are things will never change or she will just cheat on you and divorce you anyway, best to get out ASAP! and well planned with your lawyer in advance!

    You can't make her want you! Find someone who actually enjoys your company and wants to be with you not just use you to have baby etc..

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  • That happens a lot. Look up dead bedrooms on reddit.

    Honestly? Divorce.

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    • And also, don't listen to bullshit like pampering her, roses, etc. A lot of women are on birth control when dating/married, and then they get off. BC pills make a woman inclined towards a more supporter, beta type guy, and when she's off she wants more alpha.

      If you want any shot at sex, up the alpha. Be rough, be a jerk.

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    • @Queen_KZ Maybe he should go read dead bedrooms on Reddit, maybe they have solutions lol

    • Right lol

  • I think it's in your best interest to divorce her at this point

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    • Hmm.. No.. I have a child that needs parents. Not a broken home. Even if that requires me to go through hell..

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    • lol thats good advice

      cheat if u have to

      not try to solve is problems 1st

      really second rate advice -__-

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