emotionally numb. having been through so much pain that you simply give up and decide unconciously not to feel anymore.
When we are young, we all get hurt in different ways . It could be from a parent who has never shown us love, or a friend who has betrayed our trust. We all learn to deal with the harsh reality of life in our own separate ways.
When you are hurt or let down, there is usually one thing that happens, you gain experience on how to better cope.
So, the next time hurt presents itself, it seems easier to deal with and overcome.
This is what I call the Brick syndrome.
For every bad thing that happens in life, you add a brick to a wall to protect yourself.
This provides a barrier of protection against the next time hurt will be experienced.
For others, a lot of bricks will go up all at once to mask hurt ever being a possibility.
It all depends on what has happened and how you personally deal with it.
Everyone is different.
I will provide a personal example of how hurt has affected my life.
Growing up my Dad worked really hard to provide us with what we needed.
Although he did the best to support us financially, showing love from an emotional standpoint was something he was unable to achieve.
This is because when he was growing up, his parents did not show him how to love. My father's ability to be financially supportive was the only way he knew how to show his love towards my brother and I. Out of frustration, my Mom would go off on temper tantrums. She had this wounded, hurt, and tainted soul. She didn't know how to deal with the situation, instead she became lost in her emotions.
By high school, I was taken out of class by the principal and told that my Mother tried to kill herself.
My perception was jaded because of all that I had been through. The principal did not know that I had become immune to the effects of the behavior my Mother displayed. I told him, "This is the 3rd time this year my Mother attempted to kill herself, can I just go back to class?". I had never seen an adult at such a lost for words. When he recollected his thoughts, he responded reluctantly by saying, "Yes". At the time I didn't realize that was not a “normal” way to look at such a heavy situation.
When you grow up seeing the same things occur again and again, it silents your ability to really feel the situation.
The turmoil that I was facing in my life, became my normal.
My brother had never learned to deal with what was going on at home, instead he turned to drugs for an escape. I never got much support from him. I didn't expect it either, because he had a hard enough time doing so for himself.
My Dad continued to proceed moving "forward" with life by going to work.
That was the only thing he knew how to do.
My jaded perception allowed me to accept that it is ones reality to be alone.
Although my parents shared a household together, they were alone in many ways.
They had a huge disconnection which made me seem more further away from each other than ever.
When I got my first girlfriend, she showed me what it felt like to truly be loved and accepted.
This all changed, when I found out she cheated on me.
It was hurt so bad, in order to protect myself I put up a ½ brick wall to stop my heart from ever feeling that pain again.
I eventually moved on into a new relationship, where the same situation replayed itself but with a different girl.
I found myself putting up another ½ brick wall to protect myself.
Time continued to progress, when it did I met my now wife. She was very affectionate, this made me feel loved.
All of the bricks I had used to conceal myself from hurt over the years, all came crumbling down, the day I asked for her hand in marriage.
I thought I could finally be free to love, until I found out she was being provided with the type of love I couldn't give her,
This affair happened with a co-worker for a year and a half.
Like my Father, I wanted to give the woman I loved financial stability.
I had never been shown love, so this was the only way I knew how.
My wife was discontented and instead turned to someone else to provide what I did not.
Looking back at the situation, I can see that I went wrong in so many ways.
I did exactly what my Father did to my Mother.
I provided what I thought she needed, instead of what she really needed.
The hurt I felt from her betrayal caused the walls to go back up again.
Although I am still with her, our relationship hasn't been the same since.
I have learned to love in the way I know she needs.
But the affects from her betrayal still weigh heavy on me, I still feel heavy weight of all those brick in the wall
Fast forward 10 years I still “love”her with whats left of my heart.
Because deep down she is a good heart
You see everyone has at least a little bit of a jaded heart.
We've all been hurt to different degrees.
Everyone of us has brick walls that they build in their lives, as a way to protect themselves from the hurt of life and it allows them move forward.
The next time you wonder why someone doesn't allow you into their hearts easily,
I want you to ask yourself,
"Why does this person has these walls up?"
Perhaps, they've encountered situations their entire lives where all they had to do with protect there very lives
So, this is why these walls are up.
If you truly care for someone show them there is a way to love with out there jaded heart.