I thought I would write today about how I feel inside. Today I am having a Down Day. Yesterday the world could not have seemed brighter. I had been swimming in the sea with my boyfriend, we had enjoyed a lovely evening and weekend together. The sun was shining. Life was good…..this morning a darkness fell and now my whole world is so far away from that image that I want to weep. Today I just want it all to turn black and slip away….
Nothing has happened to make me feel like this. No calamity or tragedy has struck my happy life. No depressing event has pushed its way into my world but now, as of 6am this morning, I am filled with doubt, self-loathing and misery. My boyfriend, who tells me daily how much he loves me, who this morning sent me a message to let me know he was thinking of me, today all I can hear is pity from him. All I can feel when reading his loving text is sadness. I’m sad because this wonderful man deserves someone so much better than this. So much better than me. I’m angry with myself for holding him captive with love and pity. I feel frustrated that I can’t tell him to leave, that our lives are now so intertwined it wouldn’t be easy to drive him away and make him stop loving me. Right now, all I would like is for him to stop loving me so I can wallow in my own self hatred.
The problem many of us face when a wave of depression washes over us is that we often feel we deserve to be alone and unhappy. We feel that anything else is just a façade and a temporary pleasure. I personally feel that I am deceiving my boyfriend when I’m being happy because I know it won’t be too long before those waves come crashing down again and I’m reduced to the pathetic, self-indulgent being that I am. It’s difficult to remember that this isn’t who you are when you’re in the midst of a swell of blackness. We float from insecurity to neurosis to self pity and we lose our anchor. We lose what is really important to us and we start thinking that nothing matters. We start hoping that it will end soon so we don’t have to keep doing this.... but that’s a bad way to feel and a selfish view to have. Each and every one of us would leave a hole if we left, no matter how alone you feel you are part of this planet and it loves you and will miss you if you leave.
If you are feeling unimportant today then please know that I value you. I may not know you but we share something; an experience. Just as love can bring us together, so can sadness. It can unite people who have nothing else in common, it can help those who feel alone reach out and feel connected, even if it is in the most melancholy way possible.
You matter to me because we have both felt this pain and for that I will always be your comrade.
So today I’m down and I can’t get up,
I tried being happy but I’m shit out of luck.
The love and laughs have faded away,
and I’m left feeling part rotten and half decayed.
There’s nothing to be done but ride out the wave,
Nothing to be rescued, no I cannot be saved.
The downward spiral is of my own making,
I keep on giving when I should be taking.
Asking for love isn’t showing you’re weak,
It shows a strength to stand up and speak –
To confess all the feelings of sadness and sorrow,
I’m sure I’ll feel much better about it all tomorrow….