My boyfriend's dad is hitting him, and I don't know what to do.

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend is twenty years old & I am eighteen. He lives with his parents and goes to school & work part time..

Anyway back when we first started dating I once noticed he had a black eye, it was a horrible sight & it stayed bruised for a long time, he had told me he got it from fighting some guy.

I believed him, because he fights all the time...but the more I was around him the more I noticed sudden bruises or cuts,

once we started to get very serious & I met his father I noticed something is wrong. Sometimes his father comes home very drunk and he verbally humiliates my boyfriend in front of me and calls him horrible names.he says "is this the kind of man you want to be with?" & he picks at him as if he wants to fight. and although he is a lot bigger than his father, he doesn't do anything back.

when he starts getting physical my boyfriend makes me leave. I beg him to come with me, but he never does.

this is starting to really effect my boyfriend because he's starting to drink a lot more regularly. up to 4 nights a week & sometimes more. sometimes I don't even know where he is. he says alcohol helps him, and sadly, he only opens up to me about everything when he's drunk and he talks about just taking me and all our stuff and leaving .

but when he isn't drinking, he goes back to being reserved..

i want to move away with him, but his dad said if he leaves the house he will fire him from his company.

it's killing me because I'm watching my boyfriend fall apart everyday. I hate his father. I feel helpless to the situation.

I'm not leaving my boyfriend, I love him more than anything..

but I just don't know what to do anymore...

Updates

+1 y

Thank you everyone for taking the time & answering

[Anonymous]

I'm a student psychologist in the UK (B.Sc currently studying for Ph.D) and was intrigued by this as it relates to my thesis.. I hope the OP dosn't mind me commenting or making some observations.. For ease of literacy I'm going to adopt a first person paradigm.. and where possible to speak in lay-mans language.

My initial observation on reading this open letter is to assume that you have witnessed this abuse more than once as you say this happens 'sometimes'..

Lets begin by saying that sometimes we are presented with situations (esp. when young) that we don't know how to handle.. At 18 you lack the mental strength maturity and wisdom to either opt out of any given situation either verbally or physically and are therefore pretty much an emotional hostage to whatever life dictates..

It seems that your boyfriends father is obviously displaying 'peacock syndrome' in that by showing his alpha dominance over his son in your presence he is hoping to curry sexual favor with you.. The use of the words you quoted him as saying are quite literally an invitation to compare..

What would concern me if I were your Psychologist is that you seem to have accepted this situation.. And perhaps, if you are completely honest are sexually aroused by it.. I hasten to add that you should not feel ashamed or guilty in any way by this response it is entirely natural. 'A Darwinian response' Despite our cultural heritage, in matters of love and procreation a female instinct is to find the male most likely to be able to offer her shelter and protection. A males is to find the fittest (youngest) most attractive healthiest partner.

It's possible that you may have even dressed a little more provocatively when going to his dads house even if it was subconsciously. You should ask yourself have I done anything or acted in anyway that could be construed as flirtatious behavior ? Whilst his fathers conduct is entirely abhorrent I am convinced that there was a catalyst for this behavior and the likelihood is that either he was sexually attracted to you initially or has become so.

In lots of way we are no better than animals and this is esp. true in Father/Son relationships whilst the more cultured/educated male is able to hide this trait, the less educated male is not. You say his father owns his own business but I would suspect this is a self made man affair either in the service or retail profession rather than in the professional/white collar market.

Also, you say you hate his father. yet you are willing to describe your boyfriends abuse in detail. The humiliation he suffered etc. This is not something we would do if we truly loved someone but rather a means to further heighten our arousal. Without question I would say that you are hoping that your chosen partner will one day stand up to his father. Regretfully I'd say that was unlikely.

Please feel free to email me [e-mail] for anything further.

[Mortiz98]

You might need to change majors

[Themainattractionz]

@Mortiz98 lmao you think? XD

[Gogators2011]

Nothing you can do. Your Boyfriend is an adult and would have to press charges police can not make an aresst based on what you say because your Boyfriend could say they where only playing around or boxing or something. So he your Boyfriend must help himself. You might want to talk to him and say if he does not do something you will not set around and watch the abuse You say you not leaving him but sometimes they need to loose something good in there life to make them face the abuse and end it even if it's to get you back. Good luck

[septimus]

sigh. I'm sorry for both of you. before you call the police, do some research. he's over 18, so I'm not sure if child protective services can still get involved. you don't want the police to storm the house and not be able to remove him from the situation. who knows what his dad might do then... be strong for him. tell him how much you care about him everyday- make sure he knows. hopefully he'll be able to walk away from the situation. one of my friends was in the exact same situation and he was able to walk away from it without engaging. hope it works out for you two...good luck.

[sweet_18]

I think leaving home is worth sacrificing his job. Honestly. You need to reason with him. This can't go on.

[adeux69]

Tell him to save his money and get the hell out of there. If his dad is beating on him, he's probably beating on his mother. He need to tell somebody in the family what's going on before it get worse or go to the police about it. I don't know how he feel about his dad truthfully but beating someone is not love!

[martyfellow]

Obviously he needs to be out of there. Drag him away if you have to. Things will only get worse.

Convince him to move out of there, and to talk to a counselor at school.

[kespethdude]

His father is a complete scumbag. Report his ass to the authorities. I hope his father rots in prison.

[Anonymous]

I think you should contact the police if it's really that bad.