The "art" of getting back together - there is no art, there is no trick

Insert generic, sappy quote poster.
Insert generic, sappy quote poster.

Hi.

If any of you recall, I made mention to the fact that I had broken up with my fiance. However, I refused to fully speak as to the reason why we separated.

Because, as much of a shithead I am, I don't believe in splashing that kind of stuff everywhere with no regard for the person I was once in love with.

So, if you can't gather from the title - yes, we are back together. No, it wasn't a rash decision and it took an immense amount of time and work to get to this point.

As well, if you're just here to tell me:

'OH, COUPLES CAN NEVER GET BACK TOGETHER, I DID IT AND MY LIFE WAS SHIT AND YOU'RE A DUMB NIPPLE-TIT...'

Congrats, that's your personal experience and opinion. I'm not going to argue with you about it and I frankly don't care.

It's working for us and I feel like I need to address this notion (a notion I myself have hypocritically been in support of) that once you break up, you can never make things work again.

First of all, I acknowledge it's VERY hard to come back from a breakup. How could it not be? One or more people decide you are so NOT GOOD for each other they call it quits instead of just trying to FIX the issues?

How could anyone feel okay after that?

The simple answer is by accepting love isn't perfect and humanity is at the very core of this. But, it isn't that easy.

I think we all have a very polluted notion of what love, relationships, and 'romance' is supposed to be. We have it in our heads our partners must be this idealistic person who meets fairytale criteria.

We must be showered the same types of love and affection we see our friends experience, or we have to live the love story we see in movies.

If we don't, we think maybe we aren't good enough, or that our partner is somehow defective or not trying hard enough.

The truth is, is humans are shitty, selfish, and needy at their very core to the point where we can become parasitic if we don't keep ourselves morally in check. Even the best, most saintly of people have their shit and it complicates things to the point of driving others crazy.


The people we love ironically have the ability to hurt us the most.

Why?

Because the people you love have thoughts and opinions that actually matter.

But, I'm beating around the bush, huh?

Plain and simple, my fiance and I broke up due to issues with communication, not being on the same page, and the fear that we didn't want the same things for our futures.

He admits to not being emotionally as open an available as he should have been, and I admit to letting my need to control life and personal insecurities to get in the way.

Both of our issues stem from personal experiences and trauma. Not an excuse, just an explanation.

It led to a three-month-long separation and a lot of hurt feelings. However, it also led to a month-long 'getting to know each other again' stage that reminded us despite all of the shit we had, it was fixable and we loved each other.

What's the trick you may ask? What's the 'key' to getting your previous boo back?

Humility; the ability to put ego aside; and the general awakened state of knowing how fucked up humans are and how imperfect love is.

Plain and simple, if you lack even one of these things, it won't work. If you can't accept full blame and your partner can't do the same on their part, the cycle of shitshows will continue.

You have to have a lot of patience and you have to be willing to address the ugly truths of the relationship. You have to be extremely honest and be very willing to actually change. You can't just kiss, makeup, and pretend it didn't happen.

It's very much a matter your state of being and simply luck if I'm being honest.

Is it easy? No. It's gruelling, challenging emotional work that forces you to confront your own maturity on every possible level. You have to accept love is hard, humans are complex and imperfect, and you yourself are not 'hot shit" incapable of mistakes.

If the love you have is real and strong enough, you can find a reason to fight. If the issues or ego are bigger or more painful than that love, then it won't work, and that's okay too. It doesn't mean what you had wasn't good or meaningful, just that it's over.

So, yeah, that's all I have to say. It wasn't very cohesive and it probably didn't give you the point-form 'how to' format you wanted, but this is what it is. At least in my experience.

Take it, or leave it.

Thanks, guys.

Goodnight.


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ChronicThinker is a GirlsAskGuys Editor
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Most Helpful Guy

  • The reason that it is hard for me to form romantic relationships with people sometimes is that people on the outside will almost always want to see it fail.

    They WANT to believe that there is nothing wrong with their own personality, and that dating just has rules that affect everyone on a negative level. Which is why whenever people ask me for love advice I tell them "do not take love advice"

    Because if you need to communicate how you feel to ANOTHER person (at least when it comes to your relationship problems) you are already setting up for failure. Love is not something you can fix/assemble like an IKEA chair.

    Because if you are mature, empathetic, and mindful with your partner, it will be able to show results and strengthen your connection.

    Good Take, glad to see myTakes are going to be less bland this week.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • Glad to hear you have been able to get back together. Best of luck to you both.

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  • ALL that text. Oh dear. TLDR.

    So here's the thing about taking back an ex...
    It's a lot like rooting through a dumpster - you might find something you like but it's still trash.
    And whatever the reason (s) was or were for the breakdown will still be there. The problems will come back. So it's a waste of time and emotion - find someone that you haven't already shit-canned. :)

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  • Good work, I like success stories, relationships can always seem so impossible to get right. but if you are sorting it out so can others.

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  • Human relationships are messy at best. Kudos to anyone who can patch them up after a schism.

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  • Thanks for sharing this

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  • Good luck. Hope it continues to work out.

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  • Good to hear from you again ChronicT.

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  • Glad to hear things worked out.

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  • Yes queen

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