More than a year after, I still love you


I don't know why I still love you - all I know is that I do, not at all as strong as I used to, but you were with me for three years and somehow I cannot quite manage to cut you out of my life.

It's my boyfriend who told me that he wouldn't allow someone like you to insult his girlfriend like that - and even then, I didn't realise the depth of what he had just said. He told me - finally - that I needed to get away from you, a fact I had been ignoring very well for such a long time. So much longer than necessary if I'm honest.

Photo by Silas Baisch on Unsplash
Photo by Silas Baisch on Unsplash

Do I still care about you? I don't think so. Having a loving boyfriend now, someone who listens, someone who's pure and wouldn't try to hurt me day after day.
Instead, he's caring to the point where he remembers our little anniversaries, our little wins, our first dates, details about stuff I told him ages ago.
I'm so thankful and feel so very blessed to finally be showered with the love and attention you couldn't give me.

And at the same time, you're still ruining things for me every day.
He told me that he loved me - on five occasions now - and I can't say it back. Not because I still love you like THAT - no, because whenever he tries to move closer to me, I feel the urge to push him away because I know that what you did to me I also did to you.
We broke each other - I won't ever do that again.
I don't want to talk about this here, I'd love to have gotten you to meet me in person just once in those three years. You weren't man enough - he is.

Photo by Purnomo Capunk on Unsplash
Photo by Purnomo Capunk on Unsplash

And for that reason, I'm glad to no longer have you in my life. It hurts not being able to talk to you because I know it'll take my boyfriend at least a year to catch up with whatever we had, but that's fine.

Honestly, everything about our relationship is better than what you could've offered me. Financially, you would've been stable and organised where he's smart about his finances and creative with finding new sources of income. Emotionally, you're so much different though - he cares about me.

He makes sure I get to eat what I want for breakfast without expecting anything in return. He respects my body issues without trying to make me accept the way I look. He realised I was stressed out, so he treated his family to a holiday just so that I would be able to get away from home for an entire month.

Photo by Rikonavt on Unsplash
Photo by Rikonavt on Unsplash

He makes a point of getting me flowers. As soon as Covid slows down a little, he wants to fulfill me that one wish I've hadfor years: to go to a cabin in the woods with a nice sauna, surrounded by snow and peaceful tranquility.

I know you'd laugh at me for being with a muslim, especially with my parents, but I stopped caring about stuff like that when you left. I realised that first impressions truly matter - and to be quite frank with you, yours wasn't exactly that amazing.

People who fear God - in whatever way it may be - give off an entirely different vibe, and for that, I am grateful.

I love my life right now. You will have a place in my heart forever and I am so glad that my boyfriend accepts how much you've broken me - but what we had doesn't define me and I won't let you ruin my relationship.

I am finally at peace with myself, so I am letting you go.

More than a year after, I still love you
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